To Get Well and Get a Job: Stay sober, go to Therapy, Dont post anything that reflects poorly on yourself or others, be a happy person, be trusting, be social, try harder, write intelligently, dont complain, do your best.
I think what happens to you when you don’t know anyone, and don’t have any friends to be out with, I don’t think those are normal experiences to be out alone, and I also never thought that the world wasn’t safe or that there was something unlikeable about me, have never not been comfortable around people, or had voices (2008-2017). Ive only had voices (2006, and 2017), both due to drug use, so now I know that when youre well, that’s not a good time to be social, and that’s not how you feel good, or are made to make important decisions in life, taking care of yourself on bipolar meds, if you want to be well received in life you have to be out in the daytime, even if youre getting As in law school, that doesn’t mean that its okay to hang out with a friend twice, people will later not respect you by what they think youre doing with your life, and its when respect is lost of you, that you feel off center, get voices, and don’t feel solid, and that’s a consequence of someone seeing you as small, or not having taken good care of yourself or others, and seeing you as chemically dependent, not important, ghetto, or a drug addict alcoholic, if you are the thinnest you have been in your life, ran for 60 days for an hour, lost 50lbs and proud of yourself, without taking photos of yourself, your body, or sharing photos of yourself or body with anyone you know or don’t know. The point at which you are being observed, will always be when you are not affected by most things, and its not until you are affected that others feel like they have their power back, to see someone in disarray, to not know why, and assume that you devalued yourself, not graduating, not getting a job, misrepresenting the cares of others, not worth talking to, so while you may think life is good, and be at peace, if you are not the same person everywhere in life with everyone, and if you devalue yourself, that is why you wind up feeling lost, not trusted, considered an embarrassment, or a risk to yourself or others, “not intelligent,” “not smart,” “not of value,” “a joke,” “unintelligent,” “bratty.” --I used to only shop at Target (2013-2019). On a budget.
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Presently symptomatic (hearing voices), overcoming self-harm, need to start walking everyday, take it easy, work on keeping a job, disclose my condition to my new boss, and do my best to stay well, work on an as needed basis, getting paid hourly, and do my best to overcome embarrassment, and also figure out how to represent others well, given my mental health issues, not subject myself to harm, or those I care about put in harms way.
If I cant stay well, then the blog doesnt work out, the job doesnt work out, let alone, marriage or dating, I think Ive accepted the fact that Im not having kids, now that I have recurring (voices > self-harm) thats not a condition that I can control through blogging, and its really no ones fault, what kinds of imagined pressures I get put under in life, or think too hard about whether Ive been hurt when and why, and just move forward in life, stay alive, be well. I understand that everyone is struggling right now, and if anyone should be happy and be doing well it should be me, since I have been working hard for 8 years, to work toward a paid position, and also in writing prove that Im intelligent, sensitive, care a lot about others, never having issues of my own, with no history of being an embarrassment, or letting anyone down in life. I think based on who you are, and how easily you are triggered in life, or feelings hurt, is something you need to mature from, and not allow yourself to get hurt, lose confidence in life, make smarter decisions, not be too loving, not trust the wrong people, or be convinced youre something youre not, that includes being famous (not printed in professional text), or be treated as stronger than you are, as though you have experience with public relations, or managing your own identity, how you are known is not in your control, and thats not something you can change, and especially not if you have ever self-harmed, or been made to not feel good about yourself, thats something that you overcome, and eventually do better in life, that doesnt mean that you will have a better life, not if you allow the symptoms to persist, and cannot manage your own symptoms (bipolar). Even if no one believes you, thinks you can perform without meds, I just dont think its appropriate for any discussion of potential at this point in time, not if you get hurt again, then thats my own fault, for being embarrassed in public, I have never self-harmed out of frustration or been unhappy with myself, its a product of others not being happy with you, being hard on you, and you losing your stability, in any amount of chaos, its not a condition you can explain to anyone, it doesnt mean that I have done anything wrong and that also doesnt mean that I have ever been made to feel sick or "suicidal" because of anything I have said, or been someone offended, and then not have liked myself, I dont really know what to say. You cant please them all. Self-harm is a private struggle, its not something that anyone respects you for, how you deal with your problems or "auditory delusions," thats really not my fault, how "voices" are caused and Im assuming it occurs if people dont like you, or are trying to communicate to you without you knowing who they are, whether by phone or computer, I think in writing, I do my best to be normal, unfortunately the last 8 years were not perfect, mental health wise, and if I ever have a regret its self-harm, or feeling defeated in life, or not strong, and giving up. I have not been doing well for several days now, and I dont know why I have not been feeling well, and its not something you can snap out of, wake up from, it takes time to heal from bipolar, to get strong again be posiitve. Originally Posted: 01-16-21 Posted on "Self-Harm" Research Page 02-18-21 Theres a lot going on in the world, and I have been willing to blog in spite of all the health issues everyone is facing right now, I go through my own personal struggles on my own in life, and I don’t want to be another prime example of anyone not doing well when they should be doing well or not saying the right things, and helping to benefit the understanding of anyone who is going through something not get help. If there is one thing Im a good example of is getting treatment or going to the hospital anytime I feel off, or cannot think, cannot memorize, don’t feel good, or cant sleep, and it can be for any number of reasons, that meds are working or not working and that’s something to go to the hospital for. So while in the past I was vocal of what I have been through that was generous of me to share my timelines in life, something I went through not a huge story about life, Im sure not everyone struggles with mental health issues to the extent they need hospitalization. That being said, once you get put on meds youre on meds for the rest of your life, and that doesn’t mean that Im psychotic or of below average intelligence not smart or stupid sounding, because Im on meds. I think that’s the misunderstanding, so if you get treated like your psychotic or schizophrenic, then that’s a really heartbreaking experience to be treated as not gonna make it, not going to work, cannot take care of themselves, or provide for self or others, and that’s a really challenging concept to comprehend earning a wage, and being able to take care of yourself past hospitalization. The meds don’t make you smarter, they make you slower, so as a result those who feel better than you may come across as being hard on you, because they are thinking based upon how they feel and probably don’t understand how you struggled if you finish law school, or if you look well think there is nothing wrong with you. I just made a huge ugly photos photo album from the years I was not doing well and what I looked like, remember where you were, and be proud of yourself for overcoming mental health issues, self-harm, and every other problem that occurs when any number of people are not okay with you, not proud of you, or think that you are bringing others down, or no one special to be proud of. Like yourself at least, keep yourself busy, stay well, keep going in life, make friends, be supportive, try hard, and hopefully things will work out for you in life, like they did for me, its just one bad year, so everything Im sure will get better overtime, recovery is a process, its not a good time to get into anyone elses issues in life, when everyone is incredibly busy trying to stay well not think too much about life.
Im lucky I got a job, so I need to do my best not to allow any of my personal struggles in life to carry over into work, or be discussed with my Boss, that’s not his job, to solve my problems. And Im sorry if anyone ever had a problem with me, or did not like how I carried myself, what I was doing with my life, or did not approve of anyone I fanned or was in approval of, and later came to admire, after getting to know their story. The world is a big place, and chances are if you are not comfortable being in the spotlight, others are more willing to represent the issues. (I) After attending a Laker Game, and seeing Ari Emanuel in person, that was my first introduction to his name, and to his face. I had heard of his name through a popular television show “Entourage” Ive seen only a couple episodes of. He was wearing a vest, and sweatpants, in navy blue, seating next to a friend, who then mouthed something to me, from across the court, someone who looked like they were from the show Jersey Shore, a man, had a purse at his feet, maybe a real Birkin. During halftime, I stayed, and he walked over to greet Jeanie Buss, who sits in front of us, behind the courtside seats. Behind the family who owns LA Gear, they were Windward Students, and had floor seats for several years, I attended almost every Laker Game 2008, and saved all my Free Taco Tickets, in my Business Cards album. That was before her Mother passed away, and before we lost Kobe Bryant in a helicopter crash. I met Ari Emanuel November 2019, on Messenger, and sent him updates, had just started distributing my blog on blopros July 2019, and started getting likes that showed up in my Facebook button, and when I was getting 200 Likes per post, the Likes stopped showing up, I had been blocked from posting links on Facebook, due to a “Community Standards” violation, I was not made aware of. This is why you have to be careful what you say, no matter what amount of pressures you are under, no matter who has passed, to always respond with etiquette, by what you know, not go by what you have been told, following their passing, that’s insight shared from another, that later does not reflect the care and attention paid following those losses, to support my Siblings, while in Law School 2010, I took Criminal Law and got two As on both essays, and was #3 in my Class to Start. It was all of my Brothers friends who called me to talk, and then to call my Brother to break the news to him, he had been suffering for some time, and once recommended that he go back to school and to take his meds, I did not believe in at the time, I had a WLAC Course Guide in my car, because I wanted to finish my Paralegal Certificate too, to start working, bumped into him twice before he passed, once outside the Beverly Center on his way to Sushi Roku, and once at Qs he was eating alone in a booth. I used to pick him up in Boulder when he needed a ride, and gave my bong to him, when I moved into the dorms, because I could not keep it there, and quit smoking weed 2003. In a spur of the moment response, to the fact that his Mother did not invite any of his friends to his Funeral, made a Page on Facebook, my first Page, and they all responded, and shared stories and photos, and participated on Facebook, I got his birth date or a year wrong, and my Brother corrected me, it was then I started to have paranoia, managing a page online, and instead printed all the photos and posts, and made an album for his Mother instead, to keep as a reminder of him, in case she didn’t think his friends cared they did. So when Major visited me for coffee 2017, and told me that he had been doing drugs before he passed away, I was in disbelief, because I knew he suffered from “Schizophrenia” and my Sister’s friend suffered from “Depression, took Wellbutrin” who I was told had difficulties in her relationship with her Father. I last saw her picking her and my sister up from a Club in Hollywood the designated driver, and we ate at Ketchup afterward at The Roosevelt Hotel, and when she bumped into me at CVS, paid me back for dinner, I didn’t ask for money, she was always very sweet and energetic the two of them hyper together, putting in her hair extension clip ins, in the bathroom, and had photos in my computer of them I think at one point. I saw her older sister who attended school with my BFF, at my BFF “guy’s” house, she is friends with his Wife, the last dinner I attended at his house before they got married, and was not flown to his wedding because I was up all night running, and was not keeping a fixed schedule working, but had lost 50lbs. I saw them last in DC, after having visited, I was supposed to work in DC Summer 2011, got a job at DC Law Students in court, and with a job already accepted, I then received a call from Bazelon, who I did not disclose acceptance to, they were my first choice, “mental health law” since I had been hospitalized once before beginning Law School February 2009. In responding to one of the questions, I mentioned why I was interested in the Clerkship, because two family friends had passed away, and explained that to me it was a problem, and that something should be done, in order to prevent these types of losses, without knowing why, or understanding how possible. This was Fall 2010, I interviewed for jobs Summer 2011, Two Semesters in advance, I had just started dating a New Boyfriend October 2010, after we met Summer 2010, working for Children’s Law Center, I worked as a Law Clerk to Two Attorneys, and was very busy working at both office locations, and in court every morning taking notes. We did not meet until lunch one day, sat with a few co-workers, they were talking about something and by the end of the conversation, mentioned that I was half-asian, and he goes “why didn’t you say anything” exclaimed that to me, I was the only one not smiling, I didn’t understand the joke. Eventually he asked to smoke with me, eventually gave him a ride one day to the Courthouse, he did not have a car, he took the train everyday with another Law Student from Yeshiva, who mid conversation, said “Oh I share my notes with everyone,” and I didn’t that that was a good idea, but since she went to a better Law School than me, eventually shared whatever notes I had left in my computer, we met in the beginning of the Clerkship she was making “two hot pockets” in the microwave. And was told she encouraged Aaron to date me, go for it, I was hesitant to start, he was very shy, and eventually we went on our first date to the only bar restaurant in the area, and there was salsa dancing one night, and we danced, and he laughed. He was very shy, and awkward, he’s tall, was a wrestler in High School, when I took him to a Wine Bar, everyone was bumping into him, he had to lift his arms so they could get by, was not comfortable there, so we left, that was October, that’s when we first hooked up. When I went backpacking in August in Portugal, I was invited by my Best Friend, who took me, who travels a lot, I didn’t pass up the opportunity, and we were going to meet somewhere else, but then he chose Portugal last minute, and reserved a hotel room to meet at a Marriot, we never ended up staying at Hostels, I just found hotels and paid. He read a book the entire time about the US Supreme Court, we didn’t really talk, he was always on his phone. We are comfortable with eachother, he always laughs at all my jokes, who has always been very positive toward me, and am sad, that I could not stay well, to continue my friendships with everyone, be apart of, and took a different course in life, working in internships and writing online. If you don’t know how to help ask, and if you can help do so, but if you get in trouble, that’s your own fault in life, how a good deed, quickly got misunderstood to be for bad reasons attended a US Supreme Court hearing 2013 January, that was not not anything, and starting somewhere, and have not stopped writing since. So when I say Ive come a long way, I feel like I have, and while I have tried to stay in positive spirits and not try to take on many responsibilities in life, when I was well and able took jobs, and during the interim kept busy working from home, managing my own life, records, and files. If I couldn’t work in a Law Office, then that’s why I bought plastic filing cabinets, and used my high speed printer, and made folders for myself, and at least practiced skills, so in the event I was ever given a job, at least practiced managing my own life first, before stepping into anothers life and office. There is reporting and there is having fun, and you cannot mis the two, when it comes to talking in private, and if you ever stop and think and things seem serious in your mind, respect the lives of others, and not share those deductions or fears out loud, life is meant to be lived with normal conversations shared, talking about approved content, not stuff you think or fear, those worries become turn offs, and no one ever clarifies to you, whats going wrong in your life until you figure out things for yourself. And that’s instability, when you ever get lost and question others, is how friendships fade, and if you go public, is how you get ignored, and if you are being fun or entertaining others sharing your mind, then you look stupid. And by the time you arrive back to normal, everyone already knows what they know, while you suffered for 8 years just trying to get a solid head on your shoulders again confident, not following anyones lead in life, not being bothered by any comments, and without worry for anyone trying to cue you into things, and cause you to believe that others think differently of you. That’s laying low, figuring things out for yourself in life, without contributing to any chaos. I think that losses cause you to reflect, and that’s a normal reaction, and sometimes we ask for help and want to know why, and that’s something no one can explain to you, and always based on what your doing with your life, get viewed as the person known: and that’s whats being decided without my advisement, and why Im hearing voices, as though I was not positive enough or successful enough, as though my identity was hard to accept, as though I presented myself to the world in an offensive way sharing all the photos I had and took along the way, and whether anyone cared to understand my issues, or thought I was just looking for attentions in life. Well if no one talks to me, and if everyone is always busy, and if I have to be the one to maintain all my relationships in life, then eventually I get tired, and just maintain contact on a yearly basis with Friends who have known me my whole life. So that’s the burden that was suffered, how to blend in with the successful without interfering in their progress as a unit, and not to be someone they blame, as having contributed to any false understandings of the value of a human life, the preciousness of time, and the importance of being honest, and continuing to move forward in life, its that understanding of life known, that is what is not explained to you in life, how everything is connected, at best you are always responsible for your own connections in life, to make them proud, to work hard, and be a positive influence to others. So its doesn’t matter if all my photo albums are gone, all my yearbooks are gone, it doesn’t matter if I don’t have everything important to me, and things went missing, I never thought twice about it, or looked that hard for things in life, but its when things go missing, that you should say to yourself, do I deserve this, and when it starts to matter, that’s when your life is in danger, or being misunderstood as a cause for bad luck, and that’s how you eventually get mistreated to be someone more difficult or complicated than you are, simply because you are on meds, you are not well adjusted to in life, not feeling as smart, not easy to move around, in bed all day, and all you had time for was running and writing from your bed, or working dressed to the nines. Those were my only two modes. Be sure to speak of yourself in the positive, if you don’t present everything in the positive, that’s when people assume you have always been this way, no its not until later in life you get smart, and that occurs through education, not by luck, by choices and focus, and by doing the right thing, without the necessity for politicking or being social, I later found out, that only makes you appear to be more powerful than you are, as though you have always been this mature or bright your entire life, when it comes to the philosophy of public health, happenings, dating, love, relationships, friendships, academics, we all blossom at our own paces in life, and if you don’t work hard, then things don’t happen for you in life, and you don’t get jobs, not strong enough, not smart enough, not bright enough, not energetic enough, too many snafus in your past, and that’s what east at you little mistakes in lfie, you beat yourself over in for in life. By the time you regain control over your own thoughts, don’t be sad about the years lost, not applying for jobs, you can only do what you set you mind and heart to in life, and if working doesn’t feel right, and if you have already worked, and know what types of jobs you want in life, then its okay to stay home, and work from home, and make a job for yourself, and create a life for yourself, without interfering with the lives and progress of others, not be an embarrassment, not cause trouble, not being defensive, not being accusatory, and keep thinking, when one door closes another one opens. That’s how I live life, I never look back, not until AA, if you don’t recognize your problems, you wont think about your life, in a negative way, that’s when your functioning, an the minute you get made to feel ashamed of yourself, that’s when you stop functioning all together and getting good grades. That was the difference between having a career and working in DC, to being sent to Rehab because she would not prescribe me 3 adderrall, and was taken off all meds, then finishing my Paralegal Certificate and working in Marketing, then getting two jobs Summer 2012 one in Criminal Law Defense, and one at VWAP DA’s Office in Compton, that was August 2012 I got screamed at by those who have known me my whole life who didn’t understand what was wrong with me, maybe too focused and intense, and withdrawn quiet. Life isn’t a secret, never be ashamed about your worries in life, and its always okay to ask questions along the way, not keep everything to yourself. The main lesson is, the stronger you appear, and the more successful you become, the more others think that they are entitled to attack you, the more is wanted from you, the more is demanded from you, and the more you get made to feel like the work you have done thus far is not good enough, and that’s how someone of value, gets devalued in public, stands out, thinks no one is watching, then hurts me while everyone is watching, just to get a reaction from a crowd of people, and witness changes to my stats, I went up anyways, that’s the difference between giving up and losing in life to hate, or not contributing to questioning of you, as though you’ve not been reliable for 8 years helping everyone to the best of your ability, not trip out, and give up in life, and not put anyone in harms way, that’s being overprotective, not telling my family about what I think, and figuring out life for myself, on my own, without help from anyone, figure out my own self-worth.
(II) I contacted this person on messenger a "Donald Trump Account" I have spoken previously to an account circa 2017 after leaving an AA meeting, someone to talk to, who responded, then went to another account, thats two accounts I spoke to and received replies from, then I started work Fall 2018, and my phone was taken away during work, and missed text messages, and eventually the relationship ended, he left. Then February 2020, I remembered I had a pen pal, and tried to look for him, but could not find him, and texted a few accounts, and this one account responded under a different name "Real Donald Trump Tweets" I usually send photos for them to choose whether to talk to me or not, because if they are not attracted to me, or dont like me, then probably would not talk to me and reply. We maintained positive rapport, until March, when I texted a "Joaquin Phoenix" account to fan mail him, following his success, just in case he ever wondered about a poster taken down by me, whether that was relevant to their decision to make a movie featuring just the Joker, after I made "Batman 5" jokes online, Im sure that may have sounded insensitive to blame a Movie for being the cause for the loss of their Star Actor before Aurora, since I went to school in Colorado, I made a choice to submit a preliminary research proposal to CU Boulder's HRC, which based on my request, they could not approve, I have gotten approval from them in the past as an Undergrad, so they were the first organization I contacted, if I were to study crime at all, or its effects on society, and changes that we have undergone overtime, not typed, handwritten, not professionally submitted in a rush, this was living at 158 Anita. So to me it a meaningful interaction, then heard his story, and found out who his Brother was, and what he went through, after we talked. I used to be taken to The Viper Room to drink with my then Ex Boyfriend, a couple times, and then moved to West Hollywood, to be closer to his work location, to be more convenient to see me, while a Paralegal working for the LA City Attorney's Office. Because I paused to talk to others, he got upset, then eventually turned on me, asking for nude photos then posting them online, after I got robbed $7000 from a Leonardo Dicaprio Account, and Identity Theft from another Joaquin Phoenix Account who then texted me by phone asking for personal information, to make accounts for me, and move money through my accounts, to send to others, using my identity, and then making me do things for him, I did not make any money through that interaction, but I lost money in another interaction, where money was taken from me, belonging to me and my Charles Schwab account, as down payment to meet Leonardo Dicaprio. (III) Im sorry, I am doing my best, and I always do my best even when necessary to prove myself wrong in life, and not allow others to treat me like Ive not done good work, to help others, reporting to others, calling the courts, and not waiting until something bad happens to get help, that’s being prepared in life or anything, and then there are some losses you cannot prepare yourself for, and that’s working hard and not making any money, that’s blogging. Im sorry if my life is too intense to have business associations, have friends, or date, I understand I have an intense life. Originally Posted 10-30-2o By the time you open up, it will have been expected for you to with reflection have opened up, under the totality of circumstances at the time, have some ability to provide some mature reflection as it relates to what is presumed to be something that everyone is going through. So while you may be in a moment of assembly, thinking or writing about what you think is important, it then becomes a waste of time to care for anyone, who is too busy backtracking trying to solve right now for instance. If you have ever kept a diary, you would never think that at some later point, it would be required to share you thoughts with everyone, to make some sort of difference as to what was thought of you, before you ever reached a place of stability in terms of output that matches the maturity of your audience, usually when going through something difficult, you can sound immature, or what you remember seem not consequential, or what you recall wondered about why important, there will be many times when you will have unimportant conversations with yourself, or have unimportant memories of having lived life, and its totally normal to see all your experiences in life as important, no one ever said that it was not okay to talk about your life or your experiences in life. So understand where other people are coming from, when you share something they deem to be inappropriate or unimportant to them, and when a heavy thumb is placed on of what importance are you speaking and about what and why, that’s the pressure, someone wanting to understand the significance of your experiences in life, trying to get to the bottom of something, which is usually their acceptance of you, needing a basis for understanding you, which is to understand what you are writing about and why, and why you remember things and why you are later discussing things you have remembered and for what purpose. This is why talking about your life, when you are going through something difficult, can seem like a slow uphill battle of recollections, not all of which will provide an answer to someone else problem with you not understanding the point of you talking, or feeling like you are talking for selfish reasons to get to some point in life of making anyone else look bad, this is why you don’t talk about others, and you especially don’t talk about anyone you do know or care about make reference to, while in discussion of what you think presently. We all go through learning curves in life, and they wouldn’t have called it “The Trial of the Century,” if that’s not what it was, not important, not significant, not consequential, not traumatizing, not historical, not devastating, not of issue to all, so as far back as you can remember, at what point did the past serve as a learning lesson, which you then applied, given your present understanding, of current power struggles, well had it not been for Fox News not fanning Barack Obama, then I would have not thought to visit the US Supreme Court instead, and was fortunate enough to meet them in person, and perform to the best of my ability taking notes, which Im not sure who read what and why or who went through my computer and why and what any desperation over who knows what ever became of significance at what point in time and why, when it mattered to know who thinks what, or what things are about, and to what end are others trying to reach for the comfort of kicking their feet up on their desk, and feeling like they did a good job, taking care of a situation that I don’t think everyone was ever thinking about in depth, in a public way, addressing all, concerning any discomforts at the time, I think people who are uncomfortable with you, its not that they don’t trust you, don’t love you, or don’t believe in you, it means that there is something going on with them, that could have nothing to do with you, or everything to do with you, Ive been through the same feeling, going somewhere that doesn’t exist, like an end point, or a state of arrival to wellness, that never fully seems to present itself no matter how well I am doing in life, and no matter what is going on in the world, that’s not a gift trauma, that’s being forced to focus on yourself, and to rely on others at some points in time who provide you with stability needed in order to feel safe, and as you get older you have to be more and more independent of others, and that’s the price you pay for isolating as a law student to focus on your studies, if you are not in control of your progress then who is, and then decide is it worth it to be attached to things in life, that are not helping you to feel better, or able to have a clear head and clear outlook in life. All computer data loss issues aside, and online memorials, you will experience a lot of loss in life, whats more important is how you respond in the event you lose something of value to you whether that be property or a boyfriend, friendship, or an ability, you are still you no matter what condition you are placed in, and as you get older more things will come to mind that probably did not come to mind when you were a child, protected from all arguments in life, including arguments about race, disease, winning teams. Don't let anyone convince you that you dont matter, or that life is sad if your own life is not sad yet, people in reflection will come to understand life differently than you see things, and while you have yet to see anything in that way, dont be surprised if you later figure out what all that thinking was about or where its coming from, that will always be the other side of things, the side that probably doesnt make you feel good, feel insulted by, or made to read into things in a way that hurts your own thinking about things, or causes you to feel bad, we can't all be on the same wavelength, allow for people to speak freely, even if its not about you, even if its their issue with you, we cant all be competitive in those respects to understand everyone in a way that all are made to feel better by. So while at the time that may have been an okay reaction for them to have toward you in disbelief, eventually you have to let go, and figure out life for yourself, just dont get lost trying o figure anyone out in life, you can always ask questions and state your fears, there is nothing wrong with not knowing what to do or how to think about things in a way that helps you to process what has gone wrong, without becoming scared yourself in disbelief. So be mindful, not to allow anything past to convince you that life is not living, or convince yourself that people dont care, and when has it ever been so intense that people have been unable to comprehend solution during a time of need, when is it ever okay to convince yourself that life is not good, or people are not good, or treat yourself as an insignificant part of any equations in life, if you have not understood history, or the meaning of life yet, then you will not have understood at 35 how much work goes into keeping you alive, and if you can understand that much about life, then you wont waste time being so defensive or over-focusing on subsidiary issues in life present or past, to convince yourself that life is more difficult than it has been, and if you cant take a look around and appreciate where you are and who you are surrounded with, living people, who care whether you are sick or not, then that’s one step in the right direction to staying well in life, no matter how far back you go trying to understand the historical importance of being a human being on earth, whether you are spiritual or not, connected or not, believe in yourself or not, admire people or not, survive or not, always do your best to let go, the more issues you compile as affecting you, the more things become about your own unhappiness in life, and misunderstanding about where you stand in the grand spectrum of issues, in terms of living a good life, or ever being someone important to anyone you have loved. So at what point does a conversation become heavy, if its not the solution, and if what you have to say does not better others, then that’s the point at which what you have to say becomes unhelpful, and that’s when the heavier your discussion gets, the more problems occur, not solved, by any mentions past, which is why its not in your best interests to use history as a prime example for anything having gone wrong with those people at that time based upon what every did or did not have in life, life gets better, so appreciate that much about the economy and technology, it was meant to save lives, not just by investing dollars in what is of value to us, but also to invest dollars into what give us meaning and purpose in life, connecting to things of value just like connecting people of value matters in terms of keeping people well. Everyone wants to feel good, and everyone wants to make other people feel good, one of the main problems, is people being mean to eachother, people bullying eachother, and people making people feel bad who don’t feel good to them, and maybe that’s how things will always be, not everyone will feel good to eahcother, and not everyone will be happy with themselves, proud, or feeling like everything is within reach, and to a fault sometimes, people take things too far, and it will always be based on what they know, how they feel, or what they see the problem to be, and not consider you apart of any solution in life, based upon your health or deficiencies, treat you as though you don’t matter, so that is why some people are famous and some people are not famous, there will always be a pecking order in terms of what gets distributed in life, or mass distributed for that matter, its based on what translates well and what makes sense to others, so even though you make sense to yourself, that doesn’t always mean that you are fit to tell your own story, and sometimes the last thing you need is for someone else to tell your story for you, as though you are not capable of representing yourself in life, and telling your own story first hand, in a diplomatic way, not in a controversial way, without blame, and without too much explanation in life, that you become regarded as someone who carries guilt, responds in guilt, or who has ever appeared guilty, or not well in public, and assume that you are not well or pretending to be better than you are, you cant fake wellness, that’s one thing you will learn as an adult, and you cant lie to anyone who is watching you, or who has watched you over the years, and knows your patterns in life, or feels like they have a good understanding of what disempowers you, or what makes you feel good being you in life, no feeling lasts forever, including your smarts, you will always be challenged and tested in life, and the more thoughtful you are, sometimes the better sense you later make, the less you care about others, the more selfish you appear to be, and the fewer connections you have in life, the less significant your experiences in life are deemed to be, just don’t allow anyone to convince anyone to push you onto any planks in life, so that you don’t exist, or label you as being anyone who has ever let anyone or everyone down in life, you don’t really become that responsible for other peoples feelings until you become famous, or until you become know, until you get likes, or until you have published your own story. So know your place in life, do your best not to allow others to intimidate you, or cause you to feel like youre not apart of, whether or not they take your badge back. When people are done with you, that’s them punishing your privately, because they don’t see you as someone worth fighting for, or someone worth defending, or someone worth representing in life, and that’s how you get put out to be on your own in life, when people think you have it good in life, they don’t ever foresee the repercussions of their reactions toward you, and really don’t care of the consequences to your psyche, when they respond poorly to you, its as though you are supposed to be responsible for the moods of others or their instability around you, and that’s not always your fault, what issues seem pressing or of importance for them to discern in life, and you will not know what anyone has gone through in life emotionally, until you go through it yourself, just don’t take anyone badge back, just because they complain. That’s life everyone has attitude, everyone has deadlines, everyone is short, everyone bottles up, and everyone either supports you or gives up on you, and it will always be your responsibility to do your best to ensure that others are in acceptance of you, that you appreciate others, and that you do not pose a risk or problem to anyone who has crossed your path in life, later become responsible for anything that has later happened to you in life, as a result of them letting you go in life.
Originally Posted 02-01-21 You may not get along with everyone, and you might not click with everyone, everyone is running on different information these days, and in the street sense of the word, going by what they hear also, which can be in reality, or through other means, meaning focused on. Not everyone can handle the pressure of who they later become known through, and that’s the pressure of public speaking, who is attached to you or listening from your advisement, and the communications back through feeling may not always be so easy to discern, it’s a pressure like no other, speaking in public, and having a balanced opinion in life. If anyone could be you, who would you be, to set a good example for, and how would you be to ensure the safety needs of those attached to you who know you, take their feelings into consideration, as you speak online, for a solid two years I was a top blogger, but when reality hits in an offensive way, that’s to test your spirit whether you get brought down by the beliefs, sayings, or expressions of others, or whether you accept all with pride, no matter what is said, be glad that others are speaking too and themselves around you, that’s what life is all about, understanding and having compassion for others, no matter where their humor lies, or motivations in life, we cant fulfill the dreams of all people who come into our life, the benefit will eventually run out the harder you are on yourself or others, that’s not perfection that’s rejection, or job loss. To overcome a set of conditions, that you in your heart believe is the right thing to do, is why you decide to support a professionally made campaign that has been around longer than you have ever thought twice or brought into consideration their interests in combatting violence. I think coming from a “high profile” case, you automatically are geared in a way to help a situation, and at a young age, you don’t necessarily, worry too much about the negatives, and do a good job performing to whatever standards were expected of you in helping to take care of those suffering, under unwanted spotlights in life, the goal is always for everyone to be well adjusted, to feel safe, to not be in need, to be independent, to move forward, to outgrow insecurity, and that’s not letting them win, whoever those voices are, and whatever news helicopters are flying over head, over your home, it may have not been a traumatic childhood for you, but for me, it was a constant need that needed to be fulfilled, being a good friend, being professional, being well behaved, being funny, being supportive, introducing friends to one another, able to cater to the needs of others, Ive never been a selfish person, Ive never been into myself, Ive never cared about looks, Ive always done well in school and sports, its only later in life, that benefit becomes an issue, how much is on your plate and why, why are you helping everyone online, and why were you ever not trying your best and doing well in life, or suffering, was there any support lost at the time you fell ill, and what were the causes for you falling ill. I think when Star Magazine announced that OJ was dead in jail, I realized that my time had run out and cried in my cubicle in law school. If you have known a person since you were 4 years old and grew up at their house and on every family vacation, then yes that would make you special, that would make you important, and that would make you affected, and not feel apart of, or to yourself, not to social, focused, and trying to do well in life, not to suffer, not to not be a good friend, or not to not represent the issues and risks inherent to tweeting online, which I recently disclosed to my boss of 7 days, and then I was let go, not needed. It’s a confusing task of acceptance of you, and if you are not in it for the reasons, then you become a fire joke to a bunch of wealthy businessmen and women, who manage money and people for a living, and think that everythings a political communication to be made to demonstrate that they have a heart and to make you look like you don’t have a heart. So that’s your image being used, to make themselves look good, and as a result if you do not demonstrate traits or a story line, or by line, that represents what youre life has been like, where you are now, and if no one feels sorry for you then that’s letting a lawsuit win, or a breakup win, or a condition or diagnosis win, and that’s not helpful to me or the recent 13 suicides of students, who need school, just like I needed school (law school) to survive all the hate, politics, misinformation, rumors, assumptions, and aggressive legal strategies used to make fun of people out of court. I wrote a very thoughtful book after the first fire, and wrote several drafts of books after each fire, and that’s not my fault if there are wild fires, or make fun of me based upon entertainment decisions made, with regards to what other writers I have been in contact with. When a book gets tampered with that’s to label you an offender, a bad decision maker, make fun of your sex life, or dating history, Im not a fraud, Im a Brady Member, Im not obsessed the organization was recommended to me, and my friendship ended because I supported Brady not because of my Twitter which was disclosed to my boss of 7 days, and he let me go.
Originally Posted: 02-08-21 My boss is positive again, still working on being present and focused on moving forward in life. I went through a lot privately I was trying to stay chill and not expose 17M fans to the hecticness of private communications gone wrong, Ive never experienced any situation in life, where I was ever controlled, slowed down, convinced, insulted, made to look stupid, experienced changes not aware of, and the upon detachment become so smart again that was so weird, I guess you get stuck thinking about who you are connected to whether consciously aware of it or not, it seems to be some new experimental system of communication, so just be careful who you chat with, dont be too needy, dont share too much, learn to be professional, allow people to learn to respect you, and to respect all the stages of your personal development, be understanding of space, and if youre online, you dont need to talk that much in private, not unless you are trying to earn trust back, respect is reserved for the elite only, unfortunately, so wher ever Im cruising in life, whatever playing field Im on, Im always doing my best, being myself. I was lucky enough to open up, and he replied, so its important to let your boss know of your situations in life, otherwise if you go through something and dont tell them about it, that can subject them to harm assumed to know everything about you, especially if they have just met you, so understand peoples limitations, be courteous, honest, thoughtful, dont expect anyone to chase you in life, you have to be willing and able to work again, so get all the issues down on paper, then tell yourself, Im not gonna let that happen to me ever again, and apologize to everyone, I didnt realize that my alexa would turn red, but everything happens for a reason, hope everyone is doing okay, doing my best to be strong for everyone, and hopefully still keep in touch, study and write helpful things with links, to help all the new research minded people feel challenged in a good way, theres so much to learn so much to read so much to know, dont fret if you get stuck, just ask for help, and always be a lady, was what has been recommended, so whatever you kept in mind, you dont also have to share, it can be for the same reasons that kept you strong in life, can affect what you stand for eventually, just do your best, be kind.
If you get demoralized in life, not only do you appear to be a smaller human being, then no one is on your team! Everything will figure itself out on its own, take responsibility, when you look stupid, and fix the problem. #bebrave! Sincerely, Leslie Fischman mymollydoll.com If something can be done to fix your life, better yourself, be taken more seriously, then do what you can to live a better life, the times are already difficult as is, this is when faith is important, not necessarily a one solution remedy to fix the times required. If you have ever been through a difficult time in life, it could be something that you have no control over, feeling hurt, and that physical disability occurring for you is something you need to report to your doctor or to the police, there will always be moments when you cant move forward usually occurring when you feel harmed, if you ever need help and don’t know who to ask for help that would be your doctor or the police. What makes now different. It seems that the more intense the issues become the more serious and intense everyone gets, that’s a natural reaction to seeing anything that causes you unhappiness, frustration, or fear. That’s just the times, unpredictable. If you ever want to be apart of change its starts with you, what your faith is, what do you want? We all have the time to think at this point, probably too much about life, but its always in action that problems are solved, not on your own, not in your head, and no without studying or preparing yourself in advance should anything go wrong, not wait until its too late to get help. Understand that your emergencies in life, may put you under pressure, and don’t be offended if no one else recognizes whats important to you in life, and what matters to you in life, people are pretty selfish when it comes to happiness, expecting you to either make them happy, be there for them, or on a personal level, be absent minded everything in life that has ever caused you stress, that’s the type of stuff you don’t share one on one to friends or loved ones, problems are best dealt with talking to a professional who can advise you, its not a solution you can read and suddenly feel well, we are not all gifted in that respect to be invincible and fearless, and even if it goes over your head, that doesn’t mean that any facts of life will hit you in the wrong way, and cause you to not feel well, facts shouldn’t be that shocking in life, only if you allow yourself to become overwhelmed, or freeze in response to others, no one has the power to control your thoughts or your output, not through reading, and not through route memorization of your disclosures, there will always come a time in life to be professional, but if you are not doing what is best for you and others, don’t be surprised if you are made an example of “shot on your way up” just to make a “50 cent joke” about you, or your cares in the world, and if you suffer, don’t also allow your sufferings to accept or negatively impact what is going well for whatever organizations are working in support of others. I think I am someone who speaks freely, and when my heart is in it, sometimes I am able to say the right thing, or explain something in a way that makes sense. We all improve overtime, that’s just life, better to live without expectations in life, and improve, then set your standards too high, of self or others, that’s no way to live life under imagined pressures in life, whether created by another to make you feel small, or created to disempower you to give strength to others, there will always be people better than you in life, and if that’s not enough to intimidate you in life, and stop trying so hard in life, well then you are only letting yourself down in life. #stopsuicide, never give up.
Originally Posted 02-03-21 Sometimes talking doesn’t help, and if its ever your responsibility to protect other people from harm, then that would not be the time to open up, or to present things in a way, that appears as though you are arguing, or becoming defensive to anyone over their own issues in life, making things about you. When does a good idea, no longer become effective. I think at the point of disagreement, is when whatever side is better situated in life, becomes the representative figure to your story, or decidingly so to speak about you, whether for you or against you in life, and that’s life, not everyone will be on your side, and expect for others to shrug off your issues, in discomfort, not make what youre going through about them either. Rarely are our problems about others, but more to do without own unhappiness in life, or lack of success, failure. Just as your success is important to you, so is the success of those who come into your life, expecting a benefit, whether or not you can provide that benefit, if you are not God you cannot make things happen for people in life, that they cannot readily ascertain on their own, without your help or by use of your identity, and this is where the cookie crumbles. Where someone has provided advocacy, instead is made to appear as though success is generated by the reverse, using people for political stamina, or for vocalization of issues, which then now affect them in the immediate, so why would anyone in harms way waste time energy and effort and money on speaking to everyone, if one cannot protect others from harm, and create a safe space to think, and dissect the issues, in a non-confrontational way, whether that’s with understanding of peoples issues with you, whether that’s to do with your specific identity, wanting to make money off of you, manage people on your behalf, or talk to people on your behalf, degrade you, shame you, and make fun of your ethnicity and heritage, and make fun of an otherwise pleasant interaction, to add fruit to the tree of responsibility, cast you out to be sexually inviting, or not special or unique in it of your self in life, made on your own, success, then that is someone wanting to tell the story of an offender, then situating you similarly, to fail or become suicidal, and treat you as though you are drawn to the wrong things in life, or are taking cues from outsiders, and hurting whatever is inside the equation current that is bringing others stability to not over invest in any ideas or strategies for that matter in putting people down in life, based upon whats going well, eventually you have to leave people alone, and trust that what is going well is going well because one is well and is not causing problems, but once you make things about others, who are at peace with someone who is doing well, then you are allowing for someone to get beat up in life, based upon being misrepresented to not have been endearing, or consoling, or supportive, or friendly, or creative, or loving, or absent minded fears wherever they may lie, rape is not a joke, rape is not a fantasy, and rape whether by technology going through peoples records, or evaluating their medical history does not give you the right to do away with an otherwise pleasant identity online, to affect the life of someone who has improved who is not at risk of harm, who is presently helping others, cause them to feel bad about themselves and not succeed in life, what is conflict? Conflict is someone not understanding why you are well, and test you based on assuming you sent a box of responsibility in life in defense of self, with no allegations made, be treated as though you should understand what is going wrong in your own life, fix yourself, and understand the concept of "the silent treatment.", To make things look or appear to be about what they are thinking, can only do you more harm than good, and instead of clarifying any issues or concerns, you get made out to be the one with issues, or be considered someone who has done others wrong, and thats when your side is not taken, and that is why someone who did not have any problems, later comes to understand life lived with people hard on you not kind to you, if you respond in public unnecessarily in a way that leaves you in isolation in life, dont be that person in life. The less you assume the better off you'll be, and even if at the time nothing is anything or something that you feel equally offended by, that will not stop those who respond in support to anyone you have mentioned, not be in support of you, so thats losing support in life, based upon your mental health, or causes for becoming disillusioned and made to live a harder life than deserved, thats suffering, whether or not you know of what has happened that you have done wrong, those who know you, will always judge you by what you have to say, determine on their own whether you have contributed in a negative way to anything going well, which lends the question of whether you reacted in response to things you understood and became offended by and what was it that caused you to change and be so vocal seeking help in life in a public way. Confidence is a trait that is exerted over you during any period of sickness or instability, its when others expect you to be well, and become disappointed in you if you are not doing well, let alone ever feel embarrassed by you or what you have to say, think that you knowingly speak in a way to effect anyone who does know you or has known you since 2008 (President Barack Obama), so if in one instance you were able to inform prior to an incident occurring, that does not also mean that anyone around you is aware that you have tried to help in the past before law school started, and then try to blame you as being the incident of hospitalization or the person in error or the defective identity known treat you as a source of discomfort, the point of no return will always be what you allow to happen, or whether you do your best to not be an example of something going wrong in the lives of anyone, who would rather not see life through the lens of someone who has ever suffered from mental health issues. So don't make things about you in a negative way, or assume that anything has ever been said in the negative to misrepresent what youre about without mention of your name or face, the less you assume, the less you give power to situation taken into the hands of another, allow to affect you, or be used as a provided excuse for whatever does not go right for you in life. If no one has ever treated me like that, if I don’t deserve to be treated like that, and if that is not helping but hurting others to see someone of value be degraded in public, then that is using someone elses identity, for the purposes of feeling good, and the hurting someone with a clear identity because you do not recognize me as a victim of homicide or a high profile case, equally subjected to illness, sickness, and a mental illness, and disability, if situated on the wrong teams in life. Don’t push someone into a fragile state, and then blame them or treat them as though they are to waste time energy and effort treat as negotiating with the principles of any group being directed by hate, or by impulse, by feeling alone, and without forethought that maybe things are going right its because someone is doing a very good job of living life disciplined. Don’t scare people, don’t intimidate people, and don’t heighten already rumored tensions existing with regards to the direction and focus presently working for others, who are doing their best to steer clear of negative energy or unhappiness in life, I think we have all suffered from enough embarrassment at this point, and I think everyone wants to get strong again, no matter whos family is the frontrunner first in line, up top, or running the show or trying to cheer everyone up, I think we have all suffered at varying lengths and I think everyone is to the best of their ability doing their best to avoid illness at this point in time not be attacked for stupid reasons over how someone holds a private conversation, and what causes them to lose their professional stride. #donthurtwomenplease #menshealth
It would never be safe to put lives on the line when it comes to image, that would be an irresponsible antee in terms of making any bets in life, when it comes to what people think, that’s something you cant bet on or predict, that’s just an earned trait, people skills, when the odds are with you in life in terms of acceptances and sounding well to others, that’s not class, that’s tact, and that’s not a vocabulary ability to speak to others in a way, that levitates you or places you among the best, that occurs overtime, not by communications public or private, but by communications on paper officially submitted in conjunction to the opinions already held by them. I am not someone to represent someone poorly, but I am someone who others do not want to be represented by. And just as its not okay to make Hitler, “Odole Rules,” Osama Bin Laden, jokes about me sharing my thoughts, or my ability to move forward past trauma, does not give you ammunition if mentioned to say that if stated in reality I would take personal offense to such commentary, as though trying to teach me how to think evil or make evil jokes like a triple axel Barack Obama joke, that’s like if he “shot a Father and son responsible for 9/11” overseas and found them, that similarly committing suicide if my Father dies, would be to communicate a similar message of blames, as though assuming that is something evil thought about my family and I. Because if mentioned as affecting thought to literally be something plausibly connected as though in my power to DJ the correct songs prior to 9/11, and that my DJ-ing abilities were responsible for 9/11, I don’t think so, but I do take all assumptions into account. Triple axel meaning quadruple homicide, that would be two people dying for a crime, then two other people dying as though being framed for the same crimes, as responsible parties, via DJ-ing rap music, or alluding to Rap Music being the song DJ’d that inspired the taking down of the Towers as though Black People should be threatened that a Black Rapper’s song was alluded to in the terrification of NY and our Country as a whole, that any medium we produce could be used for a negative purpose, by another culture who understands what brings us pride, our differences, not our similarities clearly. For anyone new not from 1985, its seems ridiculous, how much we have improved, doesn’t seem to see the value in anyone who is not evolved. I choose not to evolve, not to be adept to trends, but have done my best to evolve when it comes to technology building a website of my own without advisement from anyone. As far as Im concerned, my beliefs don’t seem to matter in a culture that was so fixated on “predicting” well they were gonna free OJ that was predictable, and she didn’t have to go to law school, and its not because she visited that he was freed. To argue that it was my drug or alcohol use that led to my suicide, not what I comprehended and wrote about, and that it was because of my own instability that I committed suicide, not having to do with anyone elses beliefs or non-belief in me, while trying to go to law school. If people respect you they don’t think less of you, and if someone does not see you as having “overcome adversity” doesn’t understand what I have overcome, and was advised to write about, as having overcome “adversity.” I don’t have dirty thoughts about others, I don’t even look at people, and to be treated as though Im a dirty person, who comes on too strong, is typical of who is thought to be above me, as though I am a lesser caliber of woman to be involved with, not solely because I am older, but because of who my family is, treat me poorly, as though my decision making when it comes to men, is poor [removed -Called the DA today, not a requirement to speak].
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July 2021
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