You can have everything in life, once you are broken, there is nothing you can do to make your life better until you move forward no matter how painful living gets no matter how complicated everyones side gets on you, no matter what you have done well, all lives are worth living, don’t let anyone convince you it’s a bad life, or convince you you have been of harm to anyone who has come into you life, or no longer in your life, life is hard to live, if you are not positive, don’t take time to be happy for others, enjoy life, be thankful for what you do have, no matter how stupid you look, there I nothing that can be taken back once you get hurt in life, and even if your life is ruined and everyones making jokes about you, that should not affect you, not if you care about others, not if you have been rooting for others, and not if just today is difficult and you were made to talk about the past in a way to which you took personal offense. Ive never harmed anyone, physically, or sexually, or mentally, I have been harmed in life, convinced not to finish law school not having the potential for marriage, not being poised enough, and that’s too many hoops for friendship, or love at this point in my life at 35, or even for a job its not worth the effort, trying to be something Im not, or be treated as someone stronger than I am. The point at which things become too much, is when you are made to feel aggravated or self harm or be blamed for anyone else condition as being “too strong” or not on a “loving basis” out of “necessity,” and that’s how you end up with no one, nothing is real, not even imagined, your reality is not clear, your future is not happening, your not working, and you have no one on your side in life, that’s supporting everyone, and then not complaining about anything. Anyone will exclaim everything they have been through once they are tired and nothing is good enough. And that’s when they start blaming you, you are no longer happy, you don’t photo well, you are not strong, you become not hireable, you don’t feel like yourself, you don’t recognize yourself, and all those little things that’s people were not okay with, that’s becomes you not okay with yourself. This how a blog is ruined, this is how a “voice” get repeated to everyone who did support you on your blog, this is when you get treated like your on the wrong teams in life, this is when you question your purpose in life, and this is when nothing can be solved by talking about your life, anytime you have been hurt or heartbroken and why that matters now, if you have no one in your life, made to hear voices and stuck at home self-harming, then how should you live life, then how should you get better, then when can anyone help you, when is help not needed?
Today is not a good day, I am not hopeful, I am being defensive, I dont feel good, I have recently self-harmed, I am not feeling well, I am not feeling motivated, I feel hurt, I could not sleep last night, I dont feel like going to meetings, I am not well enough to date, I dont plan on getting married, I wanted to work, Im not strong enough to work, I was doing well, I was not valued, I am getting voices, that is not my fault, I have to state every issue, that causes me discomfort, and pain, and thats not the solution, if people are not doing that to me in real life, then why should I be made to suffer at home with no human interaction, and how is writing supposed to help with voices, if its not a fight that I can win by having friends, going to meetings, talking about the past, moving forward, getting a job, or being defensive, and thats the disservice that occurs upon being loving, toward anyone, and then being treated as stupid, then what is the purpose for being loved, or blogging, or having a life, that was everything I have worked hard towards for 8 years trying to be my smart self again, not to excuse any drug use past, or casual sex, or drinking, all of that made me stupid and weird and thats not something I want to remember my life as being the times when I was alone, and when life was not hard, now I dont have the stamina to fight, be sued, work for anyone and go through all the hoops of being an employee, why am I suffering getting job interviews and replies, why all of a sudden do I feel sick and not doing well in life. Why am I the one suffering because someone else flips out on me, Ive never talked too deeply in private, Ive never been made to confess or be weird or say weird words in conversation with anyone and I dont deserve to be treated as reject or subjecting anyone to being on any losing teams in life.
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Growing up I was always one to have friends over at my house, that was a natural type of socialization that I grew up as end of the year school parties host, or weekend house, I grew up with an older brother, so that was normal for us to have friends over at the house. Im not sure what popular is by todays’ standards I don’t even think 17 million readers at one point, illustrates the fact that I am relatable, I am likeable, and there is nothing wrong with me. If at a later point you become less social, it eventually takes its toll, the more separate from friends you become, and there really is no new life you end up at, not if you don’t have a job, and are open to meeting new people and having a life of your own, which would have included attending AA meetings. That missing part from your life, is not being where you want to be in life, or not being the same person you were before you got hurt. I grew up with no history of mental health issues, did not take any meds in high school or my freshman year in college. It was only until sophomore year, that I began to struggle in school getting Bc and Cs, and on meds got As. So that was one difference I noticed. Ive had learning disability my whole life, in the slow reading group in elementary school. There seems to be a lot of pressure these days to be quick witted, or high energy, or work fast, and I don’t think that really happens for you if youre not prepared. Im still adjusting to a new life of “hearing voices,” which cannot be cured by meds, and only makes things worse the more I think about it, no matter how insulted I get, not to feel sick, throw up, or self-harm would be my goals in life, just to make it past “voices,” which would be to be at peace again, no matter who is watching me, reading me, no matter what “voices” said in the past when I was a full-time runner running everyday, alone at night. I think no one takes you seriously if you don’t have money and friends, and that’s a sad fact of life, and the more you complain about your past, the worse things get for you presently, and that doesn’t cure your mental health issues either. That’s something you have to figure out on your own how to get back to normal, its not by talking to people, any type of reassurances or forgiveness, no one wants to live life threatened by others, or fighting over attentions from men, who wants to live that life anyways, if they are not going to love you, then you don’t have to wait for them either. And if you cant move on, then don’t go backwards expecting love from anyone in life either. Its been a tough lesson to learn, started dating late (in college), and then didn’t settle down soon enough (in my early twenties) get married. So that’s a risk you take focusing on your education, or whoever you move forward with, and that’s totally okay, if things don’t work out for you in life, you can always later consider them friends, and that’s a positive still being on talking terms with exes, no matter what mood changes or life changes they go through be supportive of them.
That’s not always an intervention when everyone is together on an issue specifically having to do with you, that you are not made a member to discussion of, and the an agreed to disposition of you, is assembled without your permission, as a proper way for responding to outlying issues, whether occurring in Colorado, or rocks placed in front of a meeting in Westwood, that’s not an admission coming from me or them, but what it does address, is the potential for a rumor mill to have assumed that a shooting in Colorado has anything to do with my academic record, success, dating history, honors thesis, or twitter, and that’s an assumption. Only someone of importance, who is of value to others, should ever be responded to in a way that: (1) protects their best interests (2) addresses blame on a social level (3) addresses blame on a romantic level, and that’s how people become separated from you, fairing off better without you present, that’s them thinking there is something wrong about you. Depending on what your issues are, you will be discriminated for losing weight, wearing hats, what you dress like, what you sound like, who you talk to, what you are inspired by, who has helped you, or what you feel offended by. And its in those later stages of not belonging, that it no longer serves your best interests to be in the company of anyone, who is not made to admire you, trust you, or believe in you. Everyone will feel smarter than you, and that’s not being made scared in just a hurtful way, its also in a purposeful way, trying to boss you around, like they understand your issues in life better than you, or have any concrete proof, of anything going wrong because of you or what you have shared anywhere, then what is the purpose for being close to anyone, who does not take you seriously, and that’s how being put in jail ruins your life, for the rest of your life, puts you down for the rest of your life, so you don’t have a life, so everyone looks at you in that way, so no one wants to be close to you, so no one is made happy for you, and what then results? Alienation. How are you supposed to survive if no one respects you, you cant get a job, or you don’t feel like yourself, how long does it take to get well again. It took me 4 years of working on myself to not feel intimidated by others, to pick my head up, to actually talk to people, and leave my room. #stopsuicide – When someone feels right about you, in a negative way, that is what causes someone to turn on you, and also gang up on you in support of others, that’s there is something wrong with you, and that’s to make you feel small, or not feel smart, and treat you as though you have a big head, are not supportive, or blame any others death, suicide, or overdose on your life, as lived, making it about other people, and that’s not my responsibility, to be a public speaker, or to not share any truth from my life, to serve as any fabrication of interests in defense of myself. No one will care if you ever campaigned, or helped, they will always judge you based on what you look like, your confidence, your mannerisms, and your speech, how you speak is important to being respected in this country, and if they are trying to deconstruct your life, that’s that’s them also demoralizing you, no matter how refined you once were, until you sound like them, someone whos angry, someone unhappy, someone without friends, someone who cant date, and then what purpose does that serve to make them feel better about themselves, that’s not taking one for any teams in life, that’s destroying a life, because one views anothers advances in life or thanks, as meaning something more than what it is a common courtesy, or people in business in tech. -Lesson: So don’t admire, don’t be loving, don’t be trusting, don’t be nice to others in private, don’t over disclose every interests possible concerning your identity, trying to argue that you have ever done anything wrong or have provoked anyone to do anyone any harm, that’s not a hand that you can survive in life, being treated as a threat, or be treated as someone who makes others feel small, or not worth it, not pretty, not tough, or not loved. That’s why I was hurt, and that hurt doesn’t stop, not by moving home, not by getting a job, and not through blogging. These are things I don’t discuss out loud, and complaining does help, nor does anyone trying to make a joke of my life, throwing me in the hospital, so that I cant speak so everyone thinks that Im mentally ill or anything is my fault. Then I wonder how am I known, and for how long?
By the time you get sick of someone, or are made to feel sick by someone, is the time when you need to rethink how you are thinking about life, and for what reasons are you annoyed, or feel entitled to know anything about a person, in so much detail that everything begins to make sense for you again in life. Im not the dream, I was never the dream, Im obviously no ones dream girl, Im obese, I hit my head, I can barely work, Im not stable alone, I am caused to self-harm, men I have loved turn on me, I get picked on, provoked, or shouted at and that’s not my fault, or not needed. And for whatever reasons those are, Im not your pervert, I not your lesbian, Im not gay, Im not your victim, Im the joke inside your joke in life, Im not your fake company, Im not a fake person, Im not your bombshell, and if Im nobody to you, then good luck in your life, and with your business ventures in life, and nows not the time to team up on me, or prosecute me for being nice or being gay to any women in your life, I don’t need friends, and I don’t need a husband I need a job. Im not manly, Im not discouraged about my looks, Im not your villain, Im not your friend, Im not to be admired, Im not your influencer, Im not your attorney, and Im not your doctor. Every new person who comes into my life insults me, when someone has been shot (thats a time to think about others not just your own safety needs, together on an issue or apart on an issue), when kids are dying from suicide, then you tell me what judgements you have of me that are working in your favor, don’t call me needy, don’t call me demanding, and don’t call me a user, I need a job, I don’t need your money, I don’t need your advice, I don’t need you to record statements from me, to prosecute me or accuse me of not being who I say I am, I don’t need your soothing, I don’t need you to talk to my heart, I don’t need you to get inside my head, I don’t need your friendship or your love. And that’s how I feel presently, then don’t be loved by me, then don’t be admired be me, then don’t trust me, then don’t read my blog, and take it to court, if you don’t like me and you feel like talking $hit about me, then put it on pen and paper fill out a court form hire an attorney and figure out how to sue me, and what have I not already declared in public that Im bipolar, that I attempted suicide (February 2009), and wanted to work for the military one day, that’s because Im conservative, I don’t need you to set me up, I don’t need to get married, I don’t need to have kids, and I don’t need a companion in life, then where will I be without love, or without trust and without money. Im not your homeless equation for prosecution, Im not your quotes diety or someone to anniliate in life, to make better sense of your own comprehension of world history, and its not something that hits you in the immediate, insults, if you don’t think that way you are not bothered by anyone, by the time mental illness takes its toll, that’s when you have nothing, that’s when no one needs you, that’s when people think you have done others wrong, that’s when people complain about you, that’s when races matter, that’s when discrimination happens, that’s when people feel better, that’s when no ones on your team in life, that’s when you get burnt out, that’s when no one needs you, that’s when your help has become ineffective, and that’s to make whos ego and outlook stronger in light of everything, that’s to make who feel better, a woman who doesn’t like you, or a man who is not attracted to you. That’s how society is if they see you and they don’t like something about you that’s how you get treated and that’s why I call 911 and that’s why I report, and that’s why I disclose what the voices are saying to the police, and that’s why I don’t want any connections in life, don’t need to be famous, cannot talk sense into anyone who is already mentally ill or not compliant with their meds, and that’s why they take from me, they go through my computer and they devalue me, so that they can be stronger, so that’s they feel brighter so that they feel better, and if Im being called that that causes me self-harm and suicide, don’t call me a “gay pervert,” don’t wrongfully accuse me of being gay with women, don’t prosecute me or alienate me for having friends who were women, and don’t talk $hit about me because Im not married. If someone dies, then why should I marry, if someone is not well then why should I marry, if someone doesn’t need me then why should I marry, they only notice once youre gone from their life, and expect you to love them the same way you did when you were in love with them and by then its too late, by then there is no bond, by then they cannot protect you, by then they cannot help you, by then your problems are too big for anyone to micros-manage, or to support you through, and that’s intelligence, going through your things and suddenly not needing you. So hit solider mode, I enlisted February 2013 before I attempted suicide. So whats it to you, whos team Im on in life, and why do you care if Im strong, why are you putting me down in life, and whats so important about your life that I need to be in it, or represent you for what?
So long as you are not happy with yourself, there may be no one who can convince you otherwise, to beat the odds, and to keep moving forward. If going backwards hurts that’s a tell tale sign that there is apart of you, that others do not agree with or are not proud of you or do not understand why you ever got “voices” how that happened, and think that there was something wrong you were doing in life, to cause you mental illness. And that’s not how mental illness happens, its when you give up on yourself, when you do your best, and your best is not good enough, and that’s when you get finished off in life, during times of instability, weakness, not in a period of strength, and it will often be when you least expect to be hurt, that someone else shatters your hopes, your dreams, your ambitions, your progress, and your livelihood. Convinced that you are some denomination of something bad, and not value you as a human being, and that much hurts, for someone to be nice to you, threaten you, then pretend like that never happened. I always wonder what gives people the right to be so emotionally mean to you for no reason, and people still respect them, to me it seems that people with money are always entitled to be intense, moody, and short with people who they don’t agree with. Well Im not someone who has time anyways for fighting, and that’s not what I work for, that’s not my goal in life, that’s not my purpose in life, to fight with anyone in any space, for the rest of my life. When you allow someone to aggravate you, that’s your body giving out on you, that’s you not liking who you are, that’s you not feeling good, and that’s you not happy with the way things look, and no one can help you out of that position in life, if you allow yourself to be convinced, that your life is hard, or unmanageable, or not worth living in the positive. And that’s exactly what they want, someone emotional, who complains, who cant think straight, is not positive, is not appreciative, is not loving, and that’s what makes people think that they are stronger than you, more deserving that you, and consider you the problem or a poor influence to the life of anyone who has ever been in your life, and that’s nothing you can fix, not being of value to anyone. So how did life used to be? I used to be happy, humorous, motivated, hardworking, driven, disciplined, I felt good about myself, I was at peace. I wanted to help others. I wanted to be supportive of others. I wanted to be able to get a job. I wanted to graduate. And what is the feeling like now. If I share about how Im feeling I become aggravated, my head hurts, I don’t feel good, I become unhappy. Im not proud of myself. I think I look stupid, I feel powerless, there is nothing I can do to change my life, I don’t feel like trying, I don’t know who to trust. I don’t know where to work. I don’t know where Im headed in the next 1-3 years. I don’t know if I’ll ever date again. I don’t know if Ill find love. I don’t know if I will be able to have a companion in life, I don’t know if Illl be able to work. All of these feelings are a result of allowing someone from your past to get through to you now, and cause you physical and mental illness, just feeling scared as to what they have left in them to do to you, to finish ruining your life, embarrassing you, making you look stupid, devaluing you, making fun of your choices in life, when you were obese 192 lbs, bipolar (hearing voices), self-harming, and not feeling good about yourself, and whos fault is that? No one ever convinces you that your nothing in life, its actually you allowing people to convince you you are nothing and not continuing to believe in yourself. You might not be for everyone, but that doesn’t mean stop living your life, and that’s why I continued to blog, not to be a startup, not to get 17 million fans, not to make money on site indices .com, not to be listed as a top blogger for some blurb about me, in the positive, its because it is my calling in life to help others, its how I feel best situated in life, doing something for someone else in life that I am not able to do for myself (make money), and its not for underserved status in life (to be famous). Im not strong enough to be famous, Im not strong enough to be a public speaker, Im not strong enough to handle lawsuit, and Im not strong enough to handle hate. Ive never been in a single fight in my entire life, but once you lose power its like all your decision making power is out of your control, then you get thrown into rehabs, then no one will date you, then you get labeled an addict, then you get treated like your mentally ill, and no one believes in your diagnosis, then think you don’t need geodone, they think youll feel good on adderral like its an upper, I have disability, I take naps on cocaine, it does the opposite to my mind and body, adderrall and cocaine makes me sleepy, it stops my thoughts from running in a negative direction, and stops me from thinking all together, Ive never had mood instability in any relationship, in any friendship, in any school, why all of a sudden now, am I made to feel sick by people hurt easily, if I photograph my body loses shape, my face loses shape, I didn’t deserve to go through all these physiological defects in life, not be able to recognize myself in a picture. I don’t hit on anyone, Im nice to everyone, I don’t need sex, Ive never not been laid, Ive never reported anyone or accused them of rape, or cheating, or playing me, Ive always gotten tested, since when is someones personal life (preferences, sexual history, or mental disability) anyones business, but my own, it seems when you concentrate on my life or my personal history that’s when I get made to not feel good about myself and get mental illness, that is not sound smart everything sounds personal, I sound stupid, I sound immature and I don’t make progress in life, and that’s treating someone as defective, mentally ill, moody, or not appreciative of the life they already had and have left to live. So someone explain to me, why is everyone being hard on me like Im not a woman. Im not gay, Im not the man to your equation, your first experience to your straight life, your pretend friend to make you feel tough or strong again, or the person to experiment with to make jealous, or see if I transition into someone fat or ugly or manly. There has got to be a better system of treating a woman like a woman, than treating her like shes gay!
#dontdodrugs: Whatever your reasons at the time are for being made to try drugs or to do drugs, none of those reasons are ever a good enough reason, to engage in any illegal substance use or abuse, anytime you engage in any unlawful activity with a substance that is not approved by law, you are doing something wrong, not only are you doing something wrong to your body, but as a consequence you will not be made to feel good about yourself, let alone feel good around others, it doesnt matter if people are doing drugs with you, in a movie, or in a song, it doesnt mean that that is your ticket to hot, or weight-loss, or feeling pretty, feeling good, or how to feel loved, its hard to be close to others when you do not feel good about yourself, drugs are the one thing that makes you think you are feeling good, when it actually makes you a less attractive to mate to others the more unstable you become, and if you are not stable and not feeling good about yourself, chances are you will not be able to date, or make anyone else feel good by what you are choosing to do to your body and to your brain, its not a replacement for love or feeling good, drugs is not the solution to whatever is missing from your life or not going well for you, it will always bring you down in life, and so long as you are the kind of person who is allowing themselves to be brought down in life, dont expect anyone to be there for you to lift you up, it will be you that has brought yourself down in life, and have become a difficult person to care for, to support, or to trust. #dontdodrugs Im now 16 years sober and clean from cocaine, which I went to rehab for 2007, at Boulder Community Hospital. I will always regret having tried cocaine, I dont think it was necessary having already been prescribed adderrall and was high functioning and on Deans List (on two adderralls a day and no night meds, a stay at home student, have lived alone my entire life 2004-2017, and have never had a problem with the law and have never been in a fight in my entire life, have always been independent, have never been raped, have never not had friends, have been taken advantage of only if I was out with friends drinking, which is probably a miscommunication to someone who started a conversation with me, and for me to talk to them, being up in life feeling good about myself and for that to have been misunderstood as for allowing someone to do me or have sex with me, which doesnt always make you feel good afterward, to have sex with someone you are not attracted to). Its not always your job to make others feel good, or to feel bad if you are not able to make someone feel good, its not your fault. Allow for feelings to be hurt, its better than you allowing for yourself to feel hurt with regret for allowing someone to use your body in order to them to feel good, and devalue yourself in that way. In your 20s, your a free spirit and you dont always think of the consequences of drinking or dating, and having casual sex, as you get older you become less inclined to live for the moment, and love so freely, thats after you have been hurt, and it may take you a long time to warm up to people, to be yourself around others, to talk freely, to be open to meeting new people, to be open to dating, and thats nothing that anyone should ever take personally when a woman decides to stop putting out, respect that decision, respect peoples reservations. As important as it may be for you to make some kind of a joke out of someones life who has self-harmed, convince them to self-harm or become suicidal because you think thats a good joke, be careful not to attempt to exercise a good use of humor (or inappropriate sense of humor on the subjects you may think are relevant overviewing the life of someone you deem unimportant to society) to make anyone not feel good about themselves or knowing of someone who's life was treated as a joke, not the anecdote to hate, disability, discrimination, violence, or whatever other ailments we have suffered from this far as a Country over the past year, thats not how you shine light on special interests, thats not how you calculate for solution for world peace, thats not the basis for which deals work or dont work, and thats not for any one person to decide or experiment with the good health of someone who has been open about their condition, has recently suffered from some amount of stress putting them at risk for heart attack and stroke, then making any abrupt decision to end their life for them, in the form of embarrassment, physical injury hurt and mental disability. #stophate Originally Posted 02-26-21 I think Im going to take a break from blogging, for the time being, and focus on my health. Its clear that in order to blog, I need to maintain a steady regime of walking everyday, long distance running, focus on weight-loss staying positive, be more at peace with myself my past and anything going on recently for me, which shouldn't require too much unnecessary explanation. This is not what I wanted to happen for any reason, for things to get worse, for any suicides to occur, I dont think that I make the best role model but its been my experience in IOP and group therapy sessions, that people have been vocal about their experiences, the only difference is that online, there is no signed confidentiality agreement, and not everyone is required to respect you, or not judge you, or not talk about your condition, in a way thats not beneficial to your health. Just because Im blogging or have been hospitalized past doesnt mean it was ever my fault for experiencing bipolar symptoms. I think I improved a lot, I never did not expect to ever get sick again, or slow down, or not feel good about myself, I think there is always a chance for being hurt upon being close to anyone for any given amount of time, and Ive never had to apologize in public so many times, if Ive ever been hurt, and for me not to feel the same way I did about life after having to disclose. So Im not sure what kind of regret Im being faced with in life. Which is why it was so important for me to write articles, to cite, to be professional, to learn blogging, continue my education, share my progress, my goals in life, and to me that was an exciting life to follow someone who is working toward being a better person, stetting goals, and being able to achieve goals in life, not in any stuck state of any amount of disagreement in life. So I plan to continue reading, move forward, not allow myself to become aggravated, do my best to avoid sharing anything "psychiatric" than can be solved with a medication adjustment. And just do my best to write from a different place in life emotionally, not a place in which I dont feel good about myself, and be able to speak from a place, where I look back, and wonder I cant believe I felt that way, or wonder why I sounded so immature, be strong again, not so weak emotionally, not so bothered, and be my confident self again. What I need to work on.
I need time to focus on, why I am presently not able to work, whats not working out for me in life, what I feel confident in, whats putting me at odds (voices), what I need to overcome (mental health wise), figure out where my voice is coming from, who I am connected to, who I am speaking for, whats going on within me, see my psychiatrist, get a better understanding of whats making it difficult to talk to people, how Im addressing my audience, what is causing me instability, when things feel like its a good day, when I am not sounding well or sound like Im having a good day, what does a bad day feel like, why am I sometimes able to speak fluidly, what is slowing me down, where do my ideas come from, how am I able to say something original and helpful, what is interfering with my ability to sound smart, what do I want in life, where do I think I belong in life, what will make me happy, what do I need in life to make me happy, who should I share love with, why I am not speaking well on my blog, why does everything sound like talking, why do I not sound professional, what is it that others have against me, whats so not cool about me, what is what is expected from me, whats a good attitude in life? Originally Posted 02-26-21 Where does your sense of pride lie? Is it in your success, is it in how you have overcome failure, addiction, breakup, job loss, setback, embarrassment, punishment, bullying, grade drops. What will be the characteristics that define you later in life? Which is half of what you say, and is comprised of half of what others have to say about you, based on what they have read about you, what has been disclosed (no matter what circumstance you have ever been in which made you feel like it was necessary to disclose, defend, or shine light on a issue, you are not comfortable with sharing about yourself or others), what will the special consideration if any taken with regards to your privacy interests be respected, and what would cause anyone to violate your right to privacy in the pursuit of what benefit, good knowledge, or proof of where you have been what your experiences have been like, what you have accomplished, how much work have you gotten done, that is ultimately something that you cannot fight about later in life, what is known about you, disclosed in private in your computer or phone, or what is later made to be said out-loud, to all your following and to all members of your audience. Ive never experienced mental illness in my life, any addiction left untreated, or have had any issues with drinking too much, or dating outside of monogamy. What is the basis for others lowering their tolerance with regards to how they feel about their own interests, usually has to do with them not respecting your space, which could mean not being nice to you, being cold to you, reading your blog, not being appreciative of the platform you have built for yourself, to speak in favor of what everyone else is going through trying to adjust to the times, not feel out of loop, or be too hard on themselves not to see life as difficult, or any problem unsolveable. You cant discriminate people from reading your blog, and although that may be an energy you are choosing not to focus on, its not worth mentioning how you would feel is someone did not like you and was reading your blog, that’s something you don’t have control over and there is nothing I can do about someone knowing me, who I don’t want to be all up in my business, searching through all my posts, or creating some type of story for themselves about how they have been affected by my blog, as though I have ever chosen to live a life in solitude, without any input from anyone, no help from anyone, no job, no career, and not be able to make enough money to house and provide for myself one day, that’s extremely stressful. So now blogging is not for fun, its not a fancy job in place of a fancy job, its not a fancy career to be identified as pretty or likeable, its not a fancy job in order to get married and pregnant, its not a fancy job to have friends that are women, its not a fancy job to attract any clients or try to help anyone that I do not have experience helping in life, or be put in a state of mind (mentally and physically) to not be able to care for myself or another human being, its not my job to explain what causes mental illness, its not my job to explain what causes jealousy, its not my job to psychoanalyze anyone who doesn’t like me, its not my job to run a political campaign over breakups and identity and who is who and who deserves what in life, and its not my job to represent anyone, to defend anyone, to speak on behalf of anyone, or to talk about anyone from my life, who I am not in contact with, and make anything that I have to say about anyone who does not like me. What you do in life is your business and is none of my business what anyones reservations are about me, my life, or what sharing my life exposes anyone else to about life that they cant already see for themselves. What amazes me is how funny everyone thinks it is to be purposefully mean to me or discriminatory to me, just to see how it affects me, whether I can tell anything being done is being done for reaction from me, or to cause lawsuit or complaint, if that’s the case explains why I don’t have anyone in my life, I don’t talk to anyone, and I don’t date anyone, because its not worth it to me, to have anyone of value in my life, who others are going to fight with me over, who possesses their heart, or who is allowed to be close to them, love them, or be trusted in anothers care. So lets all be understanding of one another, that we are all good people, if I was not a good person, I would be dead, have committed suicide already, probably would’ve been beat up, or fired, or dumped, or failed out of law school, be stuck in jail, be suicidal in jail, have been sued, have moved to another state, would not be able to run outside, would not be allowed to blog, think about it. Everyones important, we get that, everyone made money, everyone has big homes, everyone owns stocks, everyone has jobs, everyone has kids, everyone loves tech, everyone has a macbook, everyone has itunes, everyone loves music, everyone loves movies, everyone thinks theyre hot, everyone has sex, everyone eats burgers, everyone knows OJ, everyones been to court, everyone sues everyone, everyone thinks theyre smart, everyone is privileged, everyone thinks everyone is shady, everyone thinks theyre fat, everyone thinks theyre shy, everyone thinks theyre old, everyone thinks everyone else is mentally ill, everyone doesn’t understand bipolar, everyone drinks, everyone thinks drugs are stupid, everyones seen someone naked, everyones been naked, everyone wears bathing suits, everyone text messages, everyone videos life, everyone has taken a selfie, everyone used to be young and healthy, everyone thinks theyre funny, everyone wants to drive a nice car, no one can afford a big home, no one can afford rent, everyone takes time getting used to, everyone remembers what school was like, no one likes violence, everyone screams at eachother, everyone loves their family, everyone dates, everyone worries that everyone is racist, everyone thinks that everyone has it easy in life. I think we are getting somewhere finally ….
Have not been feeling well, have not been able to call in and continue doing work at the new job that approved of me. Have been having difficulty blogging and feeling good. I am doing my best to speak intelligently. There are too many things to keep track of in terms of solution provided, and then be able to continue doing well, and not be made to not like myself or feel sick, its become very complicated for me to understand the reasons for which I am not liked, or not able to make others feel good or be accepting of me. Its not my fault I dont feel good, I did my best to take good care of myself over the past 4-8 years, improving, finished law school in the capacity that I was able in an MSL legal research and writing degree, its not my fault Im burnt out, mentally, trying to manage symptoms of bipolar, and also speak well online, so that my image is appreciated, so that I am not treated as someone who is doing better than others, or is out and about or applying for jobs in order to do better than I was doing which was doing well blogging online. All I wanted was to have a companion in life, its clear to me that I dont match easily with everyone, that there is something about me that is not well or not consistent, and it starts with my writing, the energy that I feel in return for something I have said. Life has become more and more complicated for no reason, which occurs when not everyone respects you or values you or is interested in you. If blogging is not a solution to my mental health issues, then it will have been a painful use of time to have written without pay, and then be made to not feel good about myself, and about my progress, which breaks my heart, along with not being able to share conversations or love with anyone, and be too hard to love, or be around, so thats disappointing myself, and also not doing well, whether by something I have said or because of something someone else has said, or because of what was done to me, or whether I allow myself to be hurt, whether I subject myself to hurt, or whether my story was never not inspiring or helpful at one point, and now wondering why if Im not famous, what is the energy coming from me at this moment in time, apart from everyone, that makes me sick, or not feel good, throwing up, and Im not sure what can be done if Im not feeling well physically, not running/walking everyday as I used to, being sedentary stuck in bed all day, and also do my best not to allow my condition, changed condition, to affect my output, what I have to say about my life, not sound like Im fighting for my life, or being combative, or too sensitive, and if I self-harm that breaks my heart, thats hurts me physically, that does not solve or cure voices, bullying, or change the effect that anyone has on me in life, which is all positive, so if I dont feel well, that means that I need to find people in life to connect with who make me feel well, and make sure that they are who they say they are, and be present and able to talk in therapy, about things that are relevant at the moment, be able to think about what is working for me what is not working for me and why Im not feeling well right now, after visiting all the doctors and being interviewed at the ER, I have no idea why Im in pain.
Originally posted 02-22-21 One thing you’ll learn about success, is that you cant keep going if you cant keep going, and in order to keep going, you have to figure out what is holding you back, what are your deficiencies, what are your potential setbacks, what are your fears, and also pay attention to audience reactions, what is liked, what subjects are shyed away from, what sounds good, what needs work, what needs to be said, and what has not been said that can make things better. Doing well as a blogger is all about, minimizing controversy, not being avoidant to major issues, saying what you think will help a situation, leaving things open, and not similarly subjecting your audience to any misunderstandings that you may have encountered getting going as a blogger. There will always be some expectation, for you to be in a certain place in life, where you can answer all questions about life, even if they are not asked, and that doesn’t also mean that we currently hold an opinion about matters not directly affecting us currently. Starting August to November, I encountered a very heavy pressure, a negative pressure, which Im not completely sure I was capable of overcoming, and while I have grown as a blogger since, that doesn’t mean that things got better for me emotionally, physically, or mentally, you will always hit roadblocks moving forward, that may turn up in the form of a past decision made you are made not to feel good about, or a future decision that needs to be made, that you don’t feel 100% confident about moving forward through disclosure of your own interests, and not affecting your health or the health of anyone, not a party to your personal best interests in life, and that’s the difficulty with growing as a blogger. Not be tied down by any connections in life, misunderstandings, or controversy, and being able to rise to the occasion of speaking your mind, without becoming insulted about anything past said, that’s being in a better state of mind, when you are not affected by the past, and that’s being present, not being stuck thinking about something or being bothered about something that you don’t have control over, such as what people think. I can already tell writing this post, that I don’t have a specific direction that Im going in, and while that may be troubling to me, to zone out, I don’t think its beneficial to say out loud. Some things are best kept to yourself, and nothing gets better so long as you talk about your problems, this I experienced while being alone for many years, living a very quiet life disciplined as a long distance runner, I had many years to think about life, what I wanted to do with my life, and how important it was for me to stay well and be strong, in order to be more resilient and not get sick over any number of reasons, that one gets sick, stuck under a negative spotlight in life. I just read an article on effectiviology.com, who described the “spotlight effect.” [1] This article reminds us as writers, bloggers, influencers, and professionals to “feel less self-conscious and more confident,” [2] how so? If seeing is believing, then how is it possible to convince your audience, that you have overcome your mental health issues, or setbacks past, other than a public demonstration of your current state of mind in the form of writing online, for some that will not be enough to get them to rely on you, trust you, believe in you, or be made to feel good by you, there will always be hesitancies in life, if anyone is made to not feel sure about someone, and that’s always in your best interests to trust your instincts, that doesn’t mean that my website is going to fail, or that Im going to fail, you wont always get that much reassurance in life, to see a visual change in a person to know that you have done the right thing ignoring someone or not talking to them or not paying attention to them, get a pat on your back for your decision to exclude, ignore, or not allow for a person presence in your life, we all get to pick and choose who to include in our lives, and for the most part, people are avoidant of those the determine to be troubled, or mentally ill, unintelligent, or not worth the company. So be mindful as a blogger, that as much as you are stuck obsessing over what everyone thinks, more times than not people are not bothered by you until you mention things in a way that makes them feel like you are trying to say that other people are the cause for your own instability, or demeanor in life, we cant really credit people that much for any changes we endure, and we cant also take the blame if we don’t succeed and become sick, be accused of “asking for it” in life, leading a life that deserves mistreatment or lack of respect, treated as though our presence does others wrong, and this is why people disassociate from people who they deem are: mentally ill, problematic, socially disoriented, poor decision makers, or who don’t represent positive traits in a person, intermingle among the well, why people get discriminated, because of what they look like, not to be duplicated among a majority they view as being better situated than them in life, not to expose others to see someone in person, who they don’t deem fit for public appearances. Effectivology.com states that “whenever we think about what other people think about us, we tend to overestimate how likely they are to notice things that we do, as well as how likely they are to care about those things.” [3] How does this affect someone as a blogger or a writer? “We experience the spotlight effect because when we think about how other people see us, we suffer from an egocentric bias, which is the tendency to anchor other people’s viewpoint to our own.” [4] This explains the change (November 2020 – February 2021) on mymollydoll.com. If you are ever concerned with what people think, and if you have not heard anything negative as of yet in reality, or by comments, then its not something that you should allow yourself to be consumed by, the potential for negative assumptions to be made concerning your likes, dislikes, dress, demeanor, weight loss, success, or struggles in life, unfortunately we don’t live in a take you as you are society anymore, in which people give others the benefit of the doubt, you often times have to prove yourself worthy of being in the company of others, and if your not careful be treated as someone benefiting from an interaction and for it not to be viewed as a mutually beneficial union of interests, but that’s okay, people who have it all, don’t generally see you as able to benefit them in the positive, not if you cant speak of yourself in the positive, and present more reservations, then state what is going well for you in general without the need to explain how or why, or by what circumstances, or specific successes experienced in the lives of others, that you were ever noticed, I don’t think if you are not well that anyone notices you hence 14,000 Highest Rank on Alexa to 50,000, that’s not being able to keep going in life, and being held back in life by some negative pressure that your not completely sure what it is about, that also doesn’t mean that you can simply get a job and start getting paid doing something completely different with your life, that’s one thing Ive learned about blogging, that it only goes well for so long as you feel well, and in the event you are ever taken advantage of in a corrupt way, overexposing your best interests in a way that’s defamatory, compromising, or subjects you to hate, that’s nothing you can control, not then, not now, and not ever during the time you are put under duress, as though your face, statements, or conduct has anything to do with the Country as a whole, or other Countries for that matter in terms of what they think of us, I think that’s taking things too far. The result, “we tend to be quite focused on our own actions and thoughts.” [5] So don’t take your tone for granted, the more serious life gets the more energy it takes to dispel question or hate for that matter, it’s a tough subject to talk about, but its important nonetheless, to be careful of who you speak to, always be someone who is nice to know, that also doesn’t mean let just anyone control you, you are worth more than that, you are more important that that, you don’t need to stoop so low for attentions in life, you don’t need negative attention, you don’t need favors, all you need is yourself (COVID), and if you cannot be strong on your own, then its no ones job to make you any less strong, so that you don’t survive, so that you get sick, so that you cant date, so that you cant procreate, so that you don’t get a job, who wants to live a life anyways subjected to ridicule, loss of respect, and wrongful accusations, as though ones personal health has anything to do with anyone elses health in life, including their mental health. If I have made it this far being professional online, then there is not reason, why I cannot work, get paid, and move forward in life. -This is probably why I have not published a book yet, everyone jumping the gun on me, I know that life is exciting, but the future opportunity for me is not limited that its an emergency to be a NY Time Best Seller right now at this moment, be famous, or be featured in a magazine, article written about me, and that also doesn’t give anyone the permission to trash me, hurt my earning capacity, or wrongfully accuse me of being obsessed with anyone else career or livelihood. Learn to be happy for people, even if you cant control them, get under their skin, insult them, or cause them physical and mental disability. I have been on bed rest for years, working on getting well, overcoming the medications I was put on that most incapacitate me and leave me bed ridden and tired. So if Im awake and if Im trying its not my last leg in life, its Im pushing myself so that I can live life as dramatic as that seems to anyone who has money and a home, I have nothing! I have to work hard to that I can earn money and have a home! That’s how important my life is to me whether you understand that or not, don’t destroy me don’t destroy my family, don’t hurt the Country’s faith, don’t hurt the faith of women who are trying to be strong and positive, and don’t hurt the faith of men who liked me enjoyed reading my work, were rooting for me, and are happy that I am sounding better, and not stuck in bipolar delusions, made to feel like Im bigger than I am, treat me like Im smaller than I am or for any other reason thought better than me because Im half-filipino, half-jewish, unmarried, single, in the process of working at a job, be misdiagnosed in public to have unreal expectations for myself or others, if two attorneys died of aneurism and cancer, then yes that would be me too being defensive and unapologetically to myself and not social, because we don’t completely know the reasons for which people are made to feel sickly, mentally or physically disabled, by what currents of disbelief in life, are caused when the smart cannot be trusted, when the uneducated assume that we have more, when there is competition over wellness, when we get judged by our home, when we get judged by our associations, or if we get judged by how we responded to a flood in Texas, left my AA meeting with 2nd degree burns on my shin, there was an earthquake in Mexico, and three + major fires in California, and what did I do, I started writing books, when no one had anything to say, when no one knew what to do, and when there was no public discussion whatsoever about how anything happened, or who was to be held responsible for any number of deals put together, and whether specifically, how anyone was made to feel scared, was because of any deals that were put together, that I was never apart of, not by letter, not by text, not by messenger, not by website idea, not by job, and not by what Im doing now which has everything to do with being a positive sound board, to whatever mental health issues are currently derailing the best decision making of people, not make everything so heavy that everything is realized at once and causes anyone to feel sick, sad, or powerless, or responsible. So what is the solution? Please don’t hurt me or practice history, psychiatry, psychology, defamation, negative spotlight, humor, or racism on me, to get a result: positive or negative, to determine whether your own reactions where necessary or proper, given the subject matter of a conversation, that was not negative, or corrupt, or for any other reason that would ever make it proper to trash a human being online, who is connected to 17 million people and my family, in the middle of COVID (a pandemic), Riots (a symptom), Protests (a cause for action), Election (a reason to participate and be heard). If its not something I can stop, then what is in my power is not to give up, not to talk about how I got hurt, not to talk about everyone who was disappointed or upset, me myself included. #stophate
Reference: [1] https://effectiviology.com/spotlight-effect-stop-being-self-conscious/ [2] https://effectiviology.com/spotlight-effect-stop-being-self-conscious/ [3] https://effectiviology.com/spotlight-effect-stop-being-self-conscious/ [4] https://effectiviology.com/spotlight-effect-stop-being-self-conscious/ [5] https://effectiviology.com/spotlight-effect-stop-being-self-conscious/ Respect is not a right, you wont feel good to most, the ones who don’t believe in you, don’t admire you, don’t see you as important, don’t respect your privacy, don’t see a future in you, not sure about you, don’t need you, don’t value you, and don’t depend on you for anything in life. Then there is you as a writer, what you think, what you express, what comes naturally to you, and what others think youre about or trying to communicate, or in avoidance of discussion, what is published on your website, what is taken down, what is supplied, what is not shown, what is private, what is shared, and then judge you as someone with knowledge withholding solution to others, or not providing solution, or carrying some guilt, or disorder in life, not disclosed to the majority, its then to be measured in whos interests do your writings support, the interests of a minority of people who are disinterested in you or not attracted to you, or those who are new to any equations in life, hearing from you, and what you are thinking currently today. I don’t think that aggravation should be a shared feeling in life, it usually only benefits whoever is not at peace with you, who then becomes happy to see you not at peace or aggravated and affected. Three is a such thing as playing with someones emotions, whether that’s to benefit someones understanding of human life and personality, not all are fond of being hurt, or mismanaged, or portrayed in the negative, or made to not speak from a place in which they are at peace and can demonstrate that they are at peace. According to unlvpress.com, “Respect in a person’s words and actions are vital for both a person’s well-being and for society as a whole.” [1] This article believes that “respect is a right, not a privilege.” [2] This may be at the core the issue of millennials taking anyone seriously these days, and likewise if you are 30 and above, you really don’t have the time for being sidetracked in life, misinformed, put at odds, or be subjected to any number of difficulties in life, be brought down in life, by anything you have said, or anything that anyone else has said, which you believe to demonstrate some guilt of some kind, some discomfort of some kind, most just don’t have the time to deal with anyone, whos interests don’t serve them, and that to me is how respect is earned and lost, based upon the benefit from knowing you, how you are known, and how people fair in life knowing you, whether or not your position in life necessitates support. You would think that 5 years later, that someone would be able to move on in life, having done their time, away from society, at home, minding their own business, but that’s not always the case, that anyone who perceives you to have done any wrong in life, give you that privilege to move on and move forward with you in life, so that’s not that your feelings are hurt that you are held back in life, but that’s a treatment of you or condition placed over you or subject you to, that hold you back in life, and disables your ability to be your positive normal self, thinking things are about preserving the peace of a specific few who are not at peace when you are at peace or have moved on in life and that’s how short life is and that’s how unfortunately small the world is, everyone entitled to defending their own spaces in life, nothings a given, and that doesn’t mean that you have to give up your privacy rights, or your personal space in life (comforts) to anyone in life, just to earn a permission to move forward in life, and let things go. Life is precious and life is short, and its never necessary to ruin someons life, so that they cant move on and focus without an unwanted pressure that they cannot report because it cannot be proven the causes for disability, change, mental health issues, physical illness, rejection, or failure, that means there is something wrong with you that is intolerable to anyone who thinks that you have done anyone wrong purposefully and then not be willing to support you, or advocate for your best interests, if they haven’t taken it to court, then they also don’t have the permission to practice witchcraft or me or my family and give me a hemangioma, mental illness (“voices”) by misdiagnosing me in public, put me to sleep tire me cause me confusion push me demand anything from me, or claim that Im defective or not recovered and positive influence, Ive gotten all my lab results I have no cancer, no disease, no COVID, and I don’t have a fractured hand anymore, Im 35, I have bipolar, learning disability, and Im fertile meaning (I can have kids, I can get pregnant, and I still have eggs), that means that I have a future, that I don’t need to be finished off, put down, or a notice to be sent to the world that there is something physically or mentally wrong with me and put me in harms way, and be wrongfully accused or not being concerned or connected to other human beings, and not taking good care of myself, I ran a half-marathon, Im not suicidal, I have not self-harmed since (August 2019 was hospitalized for it). And I was hoping to help everyone writing online, and move forward get a job and start earning a living, be paid for my work, I have recently completed my first assignment. I have a new boss who is willing to train me and help me in life to provide for myself and be independent again, I also have an Attorney in the event that anyone sues me and complains about my mental health, I am not blamed as some bobo doll “Psychology,” experiment or a disease carrying woman who has sex, I don’t have sex, I stopped having sex (2014) when I got carcinoma cancer and had two surgeries to stop “Ovarian Cancer,” and then I lost 50lbs because that was me recognizing that its dangerous to date go out and have human contact in the form of sex. So respect that about me, that I value having good clean fun, and Im not pg-13 on purpose to pretend like Im this good perfect person and that women who show skin are dirty, I think all things you do, to devalue a woman is dirty, so please don’t make “nasty gal,” joke about a millionaire who made money off a “Biggie” song joke, and then went out of business, that’s her deal, her moon helmet book, and has nothing to do with me. #righttoprivacy.
Reference: [1] https://www.unlvfreepress.com/respect-is-a-right-not-a-privilege/ |
AuthorLeslie Fischman Archives
July 2021
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