Unless youre on meds, there are a lot of issues that may difficult to speak about out loud, and suicide is one of those issues, whether you’ve experienced feelings of being suicidal, or whether you’ve been affected by the suicide of another, healing takes time. And just because you are a survivor of suicide, doesn’t necessarily mean that talking about the issues, with someone who has no history of suicide ie Ari Emanuel, would be best to talk to about the issues, likely has been affected in his own way, throughout this mental health crisis. -Last night I had trouble sleeping. As a writer, this usually occurs, when you have said something, you later regret, or worry if anyone is judging you in the negative, self-harm is not the correct response. Unless you can help to build a better understanding among others, then its best not to speak on subjects you know less about, including associations and whether by associations others have been equally affected by recent events. If you have trouble sleeping, its best not to talk about things right before you go to bed, this I realize now, the morning after making such a shocking disclosure, about whether teams have had an affect in life on the suicides of others, no I don’t think so, based upon an assessment of Ari Emanuel’s connections in life, he’s doing just fine. Not all are equally affected by substance abuse, alcoholism, and mental health issues. If Im not writing about it, then it must be because I was not personally affected by it, and sometimes if Im writing about it, its because I feel like my audience is compelling me to write about something that has been bothering them. There is no one way to think about, learn, and accept, the issues others face in life, and become failures to what transpires, or backfires to their own wellness, one thing I can say is that if you can manage to stay sober throughout your mental health crisis, you have a higher likelihood of coming out of whatever depression, or mental health issues, are affecting your thinking, and start feeling like youre on the good side of life again. -We all get down on ourselves, its all a matter of staying well, not being haunted by our past, or the allowing the lives of others, to haunt our own well being. In today’s world the less you shock others, the better they feel, the less shocking your life is, the more accepted you are, when stability is required of us, that’s the best way to be accepted by others, is to be stable. Especially now, when thinking about the times, a stable opinion is always best to share, an unstable opinion would be when someone can question your interpretation, and when youre interpretation is off, either by assuming, or trying to relate things that do not relate, but by your knowledge, when speaking about everything together looks like everything relates. That would best describe my last post, regarding suicides and my recent hospitalization. There was no connection, but as affected I was treated, why so that my symptoms would not get worse, and result in further suicide by me or by those who in support of me follow my blog. That’s taking social responsibility for my health, as a blogger, and not affecting my audience, if Im not feeling well I get help, and likewise we expect that if others are not well they get help too. Most people have to work everyday, and only get the weekend to rest, in Ari Emanuel’s case he only has Sundays to play golf, and maybe get to a Laker Game, he’s probably at work now, and feeling bothered, that he may have affected anyone in the negative, and was not meaning to communicate at all to me, and probably doesnt even know who I am or what I look like, but by including him in my blog, maybe he knows who I am now. That’s being realistic. Others on the outside, think that I know who everyone is, and that everyone knows who I am, that’s to help assist them in interpretations, to think that I am being made fun of not to my knowledge, or that things are about me in the abstract to cast blame on my blogging as being a cause for the mental health issues of others, Im an “A” writer, and have been treated for bipolar on meds, in addition, I have been hospitalized 9x as a law student, and doing my best. As my UCLA Psychiatrist said, “bipolar is not contagious,” this is much to do about educating the public on mental health issues, and not passing negative judgment on those who do have mental health issues, especially mental health issues, related to fame and who you know or don’t know in life. Leave it up to them to speak on their behalves, my interpretation, really is ineffective when it comes to describing those who are doing well, as I am not doing well in life, however blogging seems to be working well for me in life.
Posted 11-14-19.
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Posted: 11-10-19
Ari Emanuel is “an American talent agent and the co-CEO of William Morris Endeavor (WME), an entertainment and media agency. [1] Endeavor Agency is his new agency founded “after the merger of the William Morris Agency,” WME represents “artists in movies, television, music, theater, digital media, and publishing. [2] According to deadline.com, “June 1, 2019 marks the official 10-year anniversary of the William Morris Agency-Endeavor merger.” [3] WME is one of the top agencies according to the observer.com, with clients “Ben Affleck, Charlize Theron, Amy Adams, and Martin Scorsese.” [4] A competing agency is UTA, which was “founded in 1991 following the merger of Bauer-Benedek and Leading Artists.” [5] UTA’s clients include: “Angelina Jolie, Channing Tatum, Chris Pratt, and Mariah Carey.” [6] -Where does mymollydoll.com stand in the mix, as a friend of Matt Bauer who’s father founded UTA, he was the one who helped get me sober December 2006, and attended rehab shortly thereafter at Boulder Community Hospital, later graduating with Honors Cum Laude in Sociology, at CU Boulder. One of Bauer’s client’s Jim Carrey was recently struck by the suicide of his girlfriend, similarly we were recently struck with the suicide of Saoirse Kennedy Hill, a mental health advocate [7] and Asian pop star and beauty icon “Sulli.” As soon as I heard the news, I checked myself into UCLA Resnick Neuropsychiatric Center, for Bipolar, and attended an IOP, which I finished, and signed an agreement with UCLA, asked to speak about my recovery, my social worker told me that is was the fastest recovery she’s ever seen. After speaking to the LAPD twice in front of my house, leading up to that point, they decided to hospitalize me. Meanwhile, back at the Laker Game, Ari Emanuel kept, moving around, eventually with his hand on his head, and friend gesturing and mouthing toward me “you f-ked up,” clearly because opposite their bench area, I saw someone who looked like a character from the TV Show Jersey Shore, with a Birkin bag, at his feet. What about Kate Spade? Of course I was traumatized by her passing, I had attended a birthday party in Las Vegas in Louboutins (August 2008) and was told that David Spade was present in the audience, while Dita Von Teese danced in a Martini glass, I sat alone at the bar drinking, attended with my boyfriend and friends. -After the school shootings it was me who flew to DC twice for $2000, and met with the US Supreme Court, writing down what happened in Law School, explaining to them why I was not graduating and ended up crying. I don’t think that blogging is the only solution to combat hate, but it certainly does an excellent job of bringing the people together on subjects via hashtags, Id like to think that I was someone, who with permissions from the court, was able to put together a tech savy series of campaign(s) via quotes and fashion and music and movie jokes, to help kick start everyone in the right direction, including the sharing of my law school notes. I’m sure by connections, others have been equally affected mental health wise, whenever you are so dedicated to a cause, anything occurring not in alignment with the best interests of others, calls attention to those who are in the middle of the spotlight, and doing their best to shed light on the issues, without rehashing too many negatives, or triggering other parties directly affected by the issues. At this point we may not all know eachother, but we all know eachother well enough to understand the ramifications of mental health issues, and the necessity for causes to protect the well being of those who are doing well in life, to serve as cornerstones to our positive self-development, and not shed light on issues such as addiction and recovery which have plagued many in the past, and led often to times to their demise, and/or death. -What do you think when you see Ari Emanuel, obviously still confident, not as confident or as comfortable as him, but having met SCOTUS, I have a very strong sense of faith, and have taken on a more conservative approach to the wellness of those around me, blogging my best work, intended for books, not for notoriety, or for sharing and stories, shocking or accusatory toward others. That would not be the solution, to wrongfully accuse others who have equally been affected, as being the cause of anyones hardships, or point blames toward those who as they are coming up in life, met with discord, or dissatisfaction, or offended by their sense of comfort and being online and likeability, that has nothing to do with who I knew growing up, and has never affected who I have mentioned or followed, as though by agency only nice to. I am nice to everyone, and get along sound with everyone, and by my issues, maybe some have been able to relate, and those who can relate is not only limited to those who have experienced hardship, its not all about recovery, meeting attendance is important, but its not the end all be all of your ability to survive, you have to be conscious of your wellness and how it affects the wellness of others, and you should always only show up if youre doing well, that’s a great rule of thumb when it comes to public appearances, and if you cant work, don’t work, blogging is my primary form of work, besides working in film distribution on the Lot with Showtime and OWN, whats my connection, my job, and losing a Shorty Award to HBO, which makes my job funny. -If there is any advice I could give to onlookers, it would be to stay strong, work hard, and to focus on yourself, when things get crazy, these losses have had a tremendous affect on the way people do business in each industry Im sure, and its obvious more resources are needed to help other begin to cope with their mental health issues, and stop blaming those for their ability to recover in life, as contributing to the social ills in society, as though their recovery or inability to recover puts them at fault for any illness or suffering by anyone who has committed suicide. I take responsibility for my blogging, I call the police, often they know my stats, and get help whenever I hear voices, that doesn’t mean that I should not be able to blog, it means I help. -Its those who dont care dont get help, and dont fix themselves, or try to better themselves (getting certified) to help others, thats the difference between an advocate or someone who helps to make themselves look better, or to undo a wrong they have done, look like part of the majority, not without permissions who cant help others. What I'm doing online is writing, communicating, and helping to clear the air, not to add more hardships to the table, than there already are, or have been faced. There are many obstacles to being successful one things thats required is being politically correct. References: [1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ari_Emanuel [2] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Endeavor_(company) [3] https://deadline.com/2019/05/william-morris-agency-endeavor-merger-where-are-they-now-1202618487/ [4] https://observer.com/2017/11/hollywood-talent-agencies-wme-uta-apa-icm-info-details/ [5] https://observer.com/2017/11/hollywood-talent-agencies-wme-uta-apa-icm-info-details/ [6] https://observer.com/2017/11/hollywood-talent-agencies-wme-uta-apa-icm-info-details/ [7] https://www.eonline.com/news/1061825/saoirse-kennedy-hill-opened-up-about-suicide-depression-and-sexual-assault-3-years-before-death [8] https://www.washingtonpost.com/world/asia_pacific/k-pop-singer-found-dead-in-suspected-suicide-highlighting-mental-health-pressures/2019/10/14/1e69a8de-ee67-11e9-bb7e-d2026ee0c199_story.html Don’t become an underlying trend to inner turmoils faced by those who are suffering from mental health issues, its not ones responsibility to bear the brute of whatever is bothering people. If I bother you because: (1) I was raped (2) I was left at a bar (3) I have no friends (4) You think Im to blame for my problems (5) You think friends, family, or Schools are to blame for my problems (6) You don’t think I have problems relevant or helpful to what others are going through or able to help others, via my experiences in life (7) Whether you don’t think by my experiences in life I was harmed but benefited from those experiences in life (8) You don’t value my work or my hard work writing, and do not see the value in my writing, that you think its okay to distribute my writing for free (9) You don’t think that if my work that was written in private is shown or distributed would not hurt me, you are being insensitive to my well being as a writer (10) Patience is not valued but is instead viewed as someone who is stalling, without understanding that it cost money to distribute and that one must be ready mentally to share their finished work with everyone, to view, and criticize (11) and because I was sued all the harm that has been done to my reputation was magically reversed to free others from blame, and to leave me alone, as accepting the consequences of drinking, drug use, or suicide attempt. Its no ones fault when someone commits suicide, but the fault of the person who suffers for not getting the help they need and calling 911, or complaining about their circumstances in life. No one who lives a life free from harassment, ridicule, or bullying is ever affected if anyone, myself included, is harmed in that way by others, for having shared my experiences online, its not in jest that you share your experiences online, if its shared its because somehow that experience in life affected you socially, and made you anti-social, and because you are anti-social judged as having some kind of mental health deficit related to you thinking you are bigger than you are, or you thinking that others know you, can read you, or that youre being read by others, interpreted as though you think you are bigger than you are, that is what having bipolar is like, people bossing you around, like youre egotistical or think that youre smarter than you are and need to be put in your place, we all suffer from abuses in life, the more centered you can be in the face of bullying, and other people putting you in your place in life, the better off you’ll be, and if others think it appropriate to treat you as though you are the pervert to their problems or a source of unwanted solicitation, conversation, or interaction, than that’s a manifestation of their need to describe the discomfort they feel being around you, as though you are in need of something more from them to feel whole, stable, or loved, the more needy you are, the more likely you will be to get hurt, by people who think they are smarter than you, and the more introverted you become, and the more anti-social you become, the more susceptible you are to getting hurt, when your defenses are down, and you have no one to help you but yourself. Lifes not about sexuality, or being girly, or proving whether or not your gay, feel inferior to others, or look up to other women, and that because you have experienced inferiority means that you are jealous of the traits that others bear, or wish you were someone else or wish you were something bigger than you are in life, if you cannot be yourself in public, then there is something wrong with you, whether that’s a product of how you have been treated in private by others, or in public, it will all manifest itself, as a writer online, its hard to hide anything that may be bothering you, and if its your self-worth that’s at issue, then that will all come into play, as others assess your worth online, and determine whether you deserve to get paid or not for your written work, whether it has benefited everyone or whether it has hurt anyones sense of self or being. How can anyone who gets put down by society, sued, and treated at someone with mental health issues, who is an embarrassment to others, be treated as someone above others, dictating how one should think, and be held responsible for the mental health of those who have committed suicide. Its because of disbelief in others that groups suffer, and its from disbelief in the betterment of society in spite of the times, that people as individuals suffer. Have faith, that no matter what is trending or who is trending, the joke will always be on them, and to do our best as a society, not to enable others to behave and act in those ways, as though its okay to make fun of others, and do our best to present the best versions of ourselves, no matter how easily affected we are to these losses in life. And whether or not you agree with my hashtagging as helpful or not I would have rather hashtagged and posted flyers than done nothing at all, and help create a broader awareness of the issues surrounding mental health, than just shed light on my own personal issues, as being of importance. Whether you think Im being helpful or not, is your opinion, and if for any reason you do not agree with anything I have said, than its okay to call 911, no one is stopping you, just don’t make me suicidal because you think if I die that will better explain what has just been discussed. Just because one pervert accused of rape committed suicide, does not mean that if I commit suicide it is because I bear guilt, and that it’s a deserved, is the rumor theyre trying to spread about me, Im a woman, do not treat me as though Im the offender to anyones best interests. #stopsuicide -Its because I was a crisis hotline counselor, and because I have left relationships, that others think that there is something justifiably defective about me, that Im responsible for correcting my own problems in life (Ive never blamed anyone for my problems, only explained how I was affected reputation wise), not taking into account how I was or was not treated by others, and let go. Those who get let go, are deemed troublesome or responsible for their own mental health issues, designated as addicts or alcoholics, to protect the best interests of an organization who either does or does not support them, including the schools to which they belong, how important is the reputation of any organization, than any one persons well being could negatively reflect on that organizations ability to help foster positive growth in others. Something to think about. -If youre not suicidal then stop bringing up the issues you think are causing suicide, to see if I become suicide and express those grievances, that it is okay to mark me off as someone who is suicidal and doesn’t deserve to write or be listened to. If I get suicidal no one empathizes with me, and throws me into the hospital, claiming that their health is at risk of harm, why is it okay for others to talk about whether or not they have been suicidal, and not one says anything to them, or questions them, but supports them, that’s not how to prevent suicide, by making it okay for some to share their depressed feelings out loud, but making it inappropriate for others to share whether or not they are depressed out loud, where is the good thinking in that, if any sharing is to be out loud, it must be in the solution, either something you’ve overcome in life, and what youre doing to better yourself now, or share something you have struggled with, and where you are not compared to where you have been, and anything that puts your life in jeopardy, means to be shared only with LAPD, not enable others to retaliate on you, based on the stories you tell, no one should be harmed, so long as the LAPD knows my timeline, and whether or not I am suicidal or doing well, is all that matters. If we cant all get along as to these issues, then its best you read something else. To make me defend myself, or to fight about things or terms not heard or said to my face or loud enough in public for me to respond to, would just make me look bipolar or delusional, why its not worth my time, to respond to anything that’s not concrete, or just thought others think.
Everyone values quality quiet time, in fact that is a right protected to you by the law, not free from unreasonable or negative thinking, but free from disturbances by others. Whether or not someone is mentally disturbed has not yet been factored into the equation, and or for what reasons, be considered disruptive to the peace of others, so much so that those people need to be removed from social settings, to help promote and foster the social well being and thinking of those present. That’s a justifiable cause for discriminating someone, someone who causes civil unrest, or someone who causes mental disturbance to others, upon being seen, who is the cause of that labeling to become someone who is not able to fit in in society, and is not able to fit in among others in society, that’s not fame, that’s something else. Your wellness is so important to functioning properly in society, and to get along well with others, its always when youre not doing well that you become difficult to be around and or speak to, depending upon the maturity of others, deemed someone worth spending time around, or someone to stay away from. Its all about the predictability of a person, those unpredictable are not trusted, and likewise those with mental health issues, who cannot predict their symptoms, are further labeled among those who behaviorally are unpredictable and of threat or harm to the well being of others, they are called “flight risks.” A flight risk for example is someone who spits on others, shouts at others, or thinks there is a reason to fight when no fighting is necessary, or who fights in response to what they are told, when corrected, blame others for their negative self-talk or thinking about the world, so that when approached by others, threatened by them. That’s a very rare case of mental illness, Ive only seen that once while at UCLA, for the most part all patients are doing their best to stay positive, its as you improve you get to go home, so it wouldn’t be in anyones best interest to be non-compliant, with what they are told, while under the care of medical professionals who specialize in helping those with mental health issues. -Its especially not helpful to drink when you have mental health issues, especially if you are put on medications, you are not supposed to drink, in fact advised not to by medical professionals. Some will rebel, do your best not to pass judgment, and keep your side of the street clean, this discussion is not to justify the behavior of others, who are not well, and voice their opinions toward those who are well. -I was well off, I had a house, and was learning how to blog, and was placed among those who are not well, while living across the street from a sober living home, and running everyday 130lbs, maybe to others I seemed mentally ill running everyday and tweeting or sharing on Instagram, but that was how I lived life, and was performing well in Law School, not all will agree with how you live your life, especially if they think you are trying to be a public figure, trying to be an advocate, were an advocate, or trying to be some kind of advisor as to wellness online, then its by another set of credentials you will be judged by in the negative, your hospital stays, or rehab stays, not by what you accomplished in spite of those setbacks in life, which can or cannot set you back further in life. Don’t allow any hardships to cause you to contemplate life, and or contemplate life to place blame on others, for your inability to live life, that would be selfish thinking, to think that your health is equally being affected in the negative by others, using their arguments, to justify your own ascribed negative thinking, why its important not to think what others are thinking, absent hearing from them, and not to think what others are feeling, absent being told how they are feeling about you, or about themselves at these points in their lives, do your best always to move forward. As much as its not about you, don’t make things about you, by bringing up the past, that’s just a recipe for disaster, to bring up old problems, or old issues, to explain how far everyone has come in spite of those realized difficulties they went through in life, now that they have matured, and found themselves. Be proud of who you are, and where you come from. There are some who do not have the opportunity to speak for themselves, constantly reacting to others, and not able to think for themselves, that’s on purpose, to prevent people from speaking who are in the wrong, to prevent further hardship to those who have fallen ill to certain issues or problems in life, that’s why the guilty are required to be quiet, and that right is reserved to them, and to those who have prosecuted them, that’s to prevent further fighting on the same issues, that’s what I think. Can I relate? No, its because I did not stay sober, and relapsed on cocaine, while blogging, with a cat dying from cancer I was feeding through a tube, and medications daily, that I committed suicide, under two lawsuits, for messaging and blogging an ad that included the identity of another, and delivered cupcakes and Valentines Day gifts as a thank you for helping me, that’s unfortunate that I was so desperate at the time, that I went to the wrong people for help in life, that doesn’t make me a bad person, that just makes me look like a bad person, and because I look bad, am treated bad, and because I am treated bad, Im expected to feel bad, and when I am expected to feel bad, its because they think it’s a deserved, and like a non-stop train at you in life, like its deserved, to replicate how others would have felt had you messaged them, that’s not what happened, if someone is in need of help they are NOW expected to call 911 or call their doctor, or call a hotline, or go to the hospital, that’s normal now, being hospitalized, friends are not for getting help with mental health issues, that’s the big lesson to be learned from my experiences, you call 911 for help.
While you can convince yourself, that you have time, time will always be of the essence when it comes to bettering yourself, and as for relationships making time to bond with those you admire, some of those moments pass us by, many opportunities lost, when we shy away from what interests us in life, and stay in our heads about the world, more happens when you open up, and if you care about others, and want to make a positive difference in the world, then start getting to know your surroundings, the more you try on your own to figure out the world, it seems as though the less the world understands you, don’t come across as foreign upon re-entering society as a new person, what have you accomplished? There is a such thing as waiting too long, but its better to have finished law school, than to have never started in the first place, I was referencing earlier, not bonding with the US Supreme Court, who Ive been pen paling since 2013, but neglected to check in often with Justice Roberts, who I think I made eye contact with in court, but not sure if he saw me, crying at the end of the session. He had to have noticed me, semi-flirtatious walking out of the courtroom to take a break, leaving my turquoise wooden chair, I was seated at, by the bailiff, kitty corner to Justice Sotomayor, who at one point lifted her head when I looked at her, I was writing, and taking notes the whole time, before going into a full-fledged bipolar note-a-long jotting my law school experience down in sections with arrows, to complete a sentence, trying to keep up with the pace of the court, and taking notes based upon the statements made by the Justices, one shouted, at one point, before I took a break, the other with his head down on his hand, upon walking in, that must have been after my break, because I saw him, Justice Roberts. Upon any coming of age ceremony, being introduced to world, can take its toll on public acceptances of you, I don’t think that micro-blogging on Twitter, in an episodic way, reporting my every recollection or memory of instances when things seemed off, helped, it actually made others awkward toward me, a usually stable person, noted as “stoic,” and “placid” during my childhood years, the friend that everyone talks to “even-tempered” but eventually paranoia sets in, anytime paranoia sets in its usually due to some addiction past, don’t blame your education on your lack of foresight in life, an inability to comprehend is simply just that, a comprehension issue, not necessarily meaning something wrong with anything anyone is doing or wrong with you, or how you have expressed yourself, you are only responsible for your own actions, not the actions of others. I was told in The Economist today, at Equinox, on the treadmill, that gun violence is an epidemic, a “man-made environmental hazard” [1] This is probably why upon leaving the court room, I felt like I wanted to do more, I wasn’t really thinking about, my best friend’s Dad being in jail, at the time, I was mostly concerned with what people thought about me attending Law School, in defense of my purposes for being there, as not to free someone who was convicted of a violent act with a gun, which later complicated volunteering for Moms Demand, and Brady Campaign, -my record gets expunged 2020, thankfully, looking forward to overcoming Bipolar, now attending an IOP, was just hospitalized for a 9th time. -My best friend’s Dad’s jersey once stood atop their stadium, he was their Alumni and Heisman Trophy winner, I grew up at his house, on every family vacation, including one to the Bahamas, we stayed at Atlantis, I once walked alone with him through the casino, to the bar, he was stopped and asked to sign autographs and take photos along the way, that was the usual response of people seeing him in public, unlike how he was responded to in the news, and on pogs at the time, his picture behind bars on a slammer. I don’t think that politicizing my position as a Law Student was beneficial to my health, taking a side against gun violence which at the time, combined with a pitched entertainment campaign, vague at the time, and posting flyers with “music” and my “website” made any sense connection wise, other than my sister-in-law who sang a song with Eminem, one of his co-stars died from the Movie: Clueless, in a famous Deposition scene, Cher was asked to highlight everytime she saw something, in the Simpson Depositions, there was only one deposition, with a blank space, that was my Mom’s Deposition, which after reading was highly embarrassed, and later attempted suicide 2009, after apply to the US Navy, wanting to enlist, not take any sides, be on everyones side. -I don’t think sharing these stories are relevant to my now, and not sure whether it makes a difference to share my life story, but at least we’re getting somewhere helpful, that’s always the end goal, a shared understanding, not one that sparks controversy, or leads to sides toward or against, nothing shocking too hard to accept, about the past, but I believe the past can be shared in a way, to which all can make amends and move forward, regardless of what anyone thinks, their condition now, accepted as well or not.
References: [1] https://www.economist.com/leaders/2019/08/08/america-is-the-only-rich-country-that-has-frequent-mass-shootings You cant really stop people from relating things to you, or combining negatives to negate your innocence, as connected to bad incidences or incidences in which others were harmed. That’s the repercussion of getting sued, being put on the losing team in life, and as a result of being put on the defensive or losing team, it becomes a slippery slope, of others playing hardball with you, attacking your character or ability to speak to what cannot be spoken about but what can be felt, and upon viewing you, as assembled from their viewpoint, have the ability to dictate what direction thoughts about you, become, toward the positive or viewed upon under a negative light, that’s to bring one to a point of frustration, as sided against, without an ability to communicate yet, or not having understood the communications about yet, as seeing the big picture of what others are trying to represent, by their outward representations of their facades or the changing of their facades, like changes to facades are made by real estate developers following an incident of homicide to a property, this I saw on the news, back when Mitt Romney was running for president, I was living in Santa Monica at the time, and recorded the Tivo’d episode from a local news channel. -Rocks were added to the façade of my meeting, which is now closed to most, you have to be on time to attend. I’m not sure whether that has anything to do with the fact that I volunteered for Moms Demand or know the President of Brady Campaign LA and have attended a meeting, or whether that change has anything to do with the fact that I was a speaker at that meeting prior to being hospitalized twice, whether my attendance has anything to do with the story of that meeting or whether my identity being present had an adverse affect on the meetings identity, that would be an assumption, so would the fact that I attended CU Boulder, a school that was found responsible for one of the first incidences of gun violence in a movie theater in Aurora, a photo of the defendant was inserted onto my magazine page of my website without me knowing it, Im assuming that it by someone who thinks I got involved in gun violence prevention work, because I was directly affected, yes I was somewhat affected, I flew to DC twice for $2000, whether that’s an obvious assumption on behalf of others, why I attended a US Supreme Court hearing and what was discussed in my notebook, while hearing arguments from them, and their participants, is not intended to be used as a negative toward me, but should be viewed upon in the positive, as exposing myself to others, so from their good vantage point, maybe view a larger picture, not yet with an ability or capacity to understand, why later drawing them, was viewed upon with insult re: Justice Roberts or Filmmakers, possessive over their identity, as not wanting to be held responsible for a poster, I purchased on Pearl Street, on canvas, the Artist later passed away from France, as me buying an image of someone snapping, as trying to be related to the movie Legally Blonde, and as added justification for attending Law School, as a means to defend or attack the positions of others, as to whos influences should be held responsible for subsequent acts, which is of discussion now, but was not then, as an undergrad and at age 20 studying for the LSAT 2006, I took 4 prep courses, and took the LSAT 3 times before attending Law School, just to get a 152 on the LSAT and get into Law School, I had wanted to attend prior to OJ going to jail, and before being hospitalized 8 times for bipolar, which was later diagnosed, February 2009, prior to attending Law School, I had swallowed a bottle of Kolonopin, not a self-harmer at that time, but was alcoholic drinking with my then boyfriend, who I later separated from, after a year of being separated from him, given alone time, to fix myself, declining a game of golf, once I had started Law School, was third in my class to begin, getting As on exams. -If you have an idea or a solution, share it, and especially with the Nobel Prize committee, and if you feel like your experiences have given you knowledge, which you feel gives you the power to understand how when you feel a certain way others may feel the same way, then get help from whatever organizations you deem fit to respond to crises when it arises, that’s the shame that accompanies being a patient, and at the same time, once being an advocate to those struggling with mental health issues, following assault, and or feeling suicidal, I was once able to be there for others, but after suffering my own bouts with mental health issues, have decided to become a blogger instead or pursuing a career in the legal field, which is very challenging, but would have given me the opportunity to help one person at a time, which is more beneficial in the long run, than trying to help a group of people as a blogger, its more controversial, in this way, than as under the direction of an Attorney, who can review your work and provide you with feedback, that is a privilege I do not currently have the benefit of benefitting from, only through continued education, am able to better realize how to help others, and what issues, are perplexing others, as to why I am blogging, or went to Law School, it was because I could not get a job, 2008, applied everywhere, it was my dream to work in Century City one day, a dream that later came true, driving a 4 door silver Porsche down Ave of the Stars, past Petrocelli’s building, which had my Boss’s Company’s name atop it. I was his Intern. -I think one has the right to continue their education to get a job, I don’t however think its okay for others to investigate why I did not get the job at the City Attorneys Office, after complaining about a Paralegal who scratched his leg, in front of me, while sitting in a cubicle with me, he was on meds at the time, taking his son to Lego Land, and answering calls from me from the bathroom, he handed me my Supervising Attorney’s cell phone number prior to being hospitalized, who moved offices by my cubicle, and used to put his feet crossed on his desk, the office plant stayed, after attending a promotion lunch, the Attorney who was seated in that office, and a painting added above his desk to his back, something simple Japanese art, too small for the wall. He told me “maybe you can run for President one day” after reading my personal statement, he did run for President, Barack Obama, I think I applied to his Law School. Always have an open perspective in life, and never allow your frustrations to boil you down, to fixed points of interests or beliefs about the hows and whys of life, sitting in my room, helicopters above, and people moshing through our neighborhood, and through my driveway, I think a green fence will do, everyone had fancy gates, maybe the gates were a simple solution, to keeping others off the property in the event any more crowds came bursting through the neighborhood. Its not easy coming forward, not to one, and especially not to all, and share your story, but if it does help Im glad, and if not, do not blame those you are pansickenly detailed when trying to get help, it just may have been them that helped others, not get the ball rolling per se, but to help prevent the onset of mental health issues, once suffered as a result of studying the deficits of others, which is evident, when there is social unrest, and a few groups from within are unaffected, such as the children of a case, and when later social unrest occurs, become the influencers, or voices of reason, once they are able to have a voice, share.
You’ll face a lot of unwanted emotions in life, mostly unhappy feelings toward yourself or others, you feel in competition with, don’t get jealous, don’t even worry about how you look in comparison to those who are more successful to you, just do your best. Establish yourself. If you want the world to be your oyster, and you want to reach your highest potential, don’t start by comparing your best work with the best work of others, youre bound to not feel good enough, and have even more trouble finishing that project you’ve been putting off for months if not years, and failing to complete the steps necessary to move forward in life. Its hard at times to maintain pace in life, some days questioning yourself whether you can keep going, remind yourself that each day is a new day to begin again, and learn to put the day down, you cant accomplish anything tired, that can be better accomplished with a sound mind. Coffee doesn’t always do the trick, and if youre on meds, and coffee doesn’t work anymore, and neither do the meds, then youre really in trouble. -I tried stopping day meds for 2 weeks, and the results have really shown, I feel like Ive gotten back to my old self, going on long runs, even sat at the DMV today for 2 hours, without getting any jitters or feeling tired. It seems like time is going by miraculously, without flinching just a bit, or feeling like I need more meds, to stay awake or to keep going in life. Self-harm takes time to overcome, those feelings of worthlessness, or feeling not good enough, you have to stay productive, and value yourself, if you want to get your life back on track. Success does not come easy to most, and well if you find yourself contemplating life too much, you can always call the police, they always seem to know what to do. -Its always an embarrassing feeling when you need help, and cannot solve a problem on your own, as an adult, the more independent you are, the more successful you become, but it comes at its costs, spending less time with friends, and worse yet family, can really do damage to your sense of normalcy in the long run. Losing friends along the way is not easy, and if you miss them check in, even if youre not at your best, Im sure theyd be glad to hear from you, even if they don’t reply, sometimes its difficult to talk to someone going through a difficult time, you cannot always rely on friends, to be there for you or to empathize with you, thinking its just addiction, or that youre suicidal because you’ve failed in life, and are a lost cause #stopsuicide [1]. Don’t be the “dead” friend, don’t be the “rehab” friend, and don’t be the “weird” friend. Keeping going in life! -I just started an IOP Program at UCLA, for 6 weeks 3x/week, for self-harm, I never thought Id be one of those bloggers with their wrists cut, but it happens, in my case other things … fess up to whats not working for you in life, and do your best to live a better life, the sooner you get help the better you will feel, and if you can just rest for 2 weeks, like I have under the care of medical professionals, then you can add that many more days/weeks/years to your life, its worth asking for help, don’t try to doctor yourself, not with meds or substances or alcohol, the only person you are hurting is yourself, don’t make your life worse than it already is, and make more time for yourself, appreciating what you do have in life, rather than think about what life you could have lived, had you gotten married, or finished law school etc. There are so many ways to live life, that aren’t built by professions, create a life you are proud of, any life. -One reason I started blogging and writing a book. So long as its coming from a good place, share, overcome your troubles, one step at a time, lifes not a race, take your time, recovery is a process! You can do it!
Reference: [1] suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ I grew up in a period where there was a huge disparity between the rich and the poor, when we went from Horse to Ferrari in 100 years flat. Knowing this about me, my insights do help, but that doesn’t mean because I learned by spiral notebooks, flashcards, and outlines, that I know any better about how to get smart and stay smart in spite of the times. We all have to achieve in life, and mental health issues are something that affects us all, but we don’t have to draw attentions to our weaknesses in life, be identified as a State, or as a people, as by our representatives in life not well, that’s the whole point of a Country leading itself, when you no longer feel free in spite of the ideas or mentions shared by others, there will always be a parting of ways, that’s to protect whats in your own best interests as well as the best interests of those to whom youre affected by. The Olympics are coming to town soon … I believe, why they rebuilt our Cities in preparation for the crowd, which showed up 8 years early. I suppose we should bike and run for them, Im not sure what to do, just be normal as watched. Its not a fun feeling, but you should be proud of where you come from in life, whether you agree with them overdeveloping Marina Del Rey or not, who is to judge real estate investors and city planners for the job that they do, they know best, how to prepare for a following. Its by wellness we share spaces in life, and by energies we understand eachother, and some are just plain nervous about change or about being exposed to others, thats a small town mentality, to not go with the flow, embrace change, skeptical to the words and actions of others, lifes not meant to be worked and reworked until perfect, you live each day as the day is given to you, and from there you move forward minute to minute hour to hour, by your own paces in life, and when things feel right you go in life, the day moving by naturally, without even a blink, those are the best days. Not all of us are privileged to be given assignments in life, that’s to do with time, having a routine, and by practicing those routines in life, feel good, just like you feel better after cleaning up, same idea, hygiene is so important to your health and to the mental health of others, to look sharp, we wont all age the same, and we wont always look our best, its as you are compared to in a room full or people, or a room full of pictures that you either blend in or stand out, that’s a gift in life presence, that’s called wellness, to be casted out as someone who does not care about their health, well that’s for history to judge as by looking at one years worth of photos not well. Because we are connected to time, its important not to be co-dependent on others, affected by their sense of time in life, thats what time is about, your best timing, may not always be in tune with the needs of others, thats instinct, and sometimes, when our timing is off we are to blame as directing others, and sometimes as attached, hurt one another as to finding their own best timing, thats what work is about, whos leading who as to time, and time well spent.
Some people the best way out of a bind, is to stay motivated by secrets, that’s their business savvy, being in tune with others in a way, while making money, that speaks in volumes to others, that is making other people feel safe having known them, and provides clear thinking strategies for wellness, that’s in doing business with them. We are not all privileged to get paid for the work that we do, but we would hope not just on good merits alone, that people would report to higher authorities, when in need of help. You are who you are associated to. Not to bring light to individuals, who have historically not been well liked by society, cause unnecessary hardships to those who while raised under those lights experienced no side effects of those lights in life, that’s how to not be affected by the arguments ensuing around you, and to hold steady in the face of fears about who is being exposed in the limelight, and as to what secrets about, others feel that they are not benefiting from the successes of others. As though everyones best interests in money is somehow more important than the overall health and well being of those who are not doing well, keeping people further down in life, to enable success for others, is not how to stop someone who is well from intimidating those who are not well, there will always be hierarchies when it comes to intelligences and wellness, and by the more people they can convince that someone is not well, its not until someone is not well do people realize when to stop. Life happens daily, that is you wake up and you go to bed each day, motivated to start a project or continue on with a project the next day, this abrasiveness over control over outlooks in life, has got me giving up by 5pm each day, and that’s totally inappropriate to hurt someones image and change their outlook in life or life expectancy for that matter, everyone deserves to run on whatever energies help keep them living in life, and have a right to live at whatever paces in life they wish to live, that’s for no one to judge. Its people who don’t know when to stop that are the problem, if this is my job its my job to write, that’s not someone who is doing anything that needs stopping, and if anyone needs to stop, its those who think they know me best, Im not trying to be predictable Im trying to be innovative. Im trying to be well liked. Im not trying to stand out, I have broken barriers, and that is in terms of acceptance toward those with mental health issues, and its my right to live life, free from discrimination as to the interests of others not wanting to be associated to someone who they think is blind or stupid, and no Im not responsible for negative commentary about me, have always been appropriate, conservative, well spoken and never snap, until aggravated. Snapping is not the solution to your problems, whenever you fight toward someone, that usually causes a breaking of the heart and then causes you to become tired, you cannot self-harm without harming the health of others watching, and you cannot hurt anyone without being of harm to yourselves for watching. That’s the issue, who thought it was okay to see me private then hurt me as mentally ill, how you deal with your problems is your right to privacy not of public interest or of the publics right to know, everything about you in private, learn to leave people alone, and allow them to get well. Its not by keeping someone sick that the sick get sicker, its those who cannot get well because you think they are sick they are affected. And its not until you get well that hopefully they realize its time for them to stop discriminating you.
There are many who write online, its not new to blog your thoughts presently about life. Its a learning process, how to write, and share your work. The goal is always to publish a book, when the time is right, and I am feeling well, strong can publish a book, but not at this time, this is good enough, earning a living takes time writing. Sharing your work is not spreading illness, what is assumed, and to argue in favor of those who know you and do not want you to be known to others, those are their reservations about you, thinking you are not well enough to be liked or followed by others. It could be a new audience of people who do not know me, or it could be an audience of people who have known me overtime, who are being critical of me, in the face of a new audience, to spread likewise feelings of a few who do not like me, and spread those mixed feelings to others, who will likely hear both sides, and then be sided toward me, or read along, as not affected. You cannot hear a fight and not be affected, that’s only being human. And you cannot take one fight, and say that it is like other fights, that illness that is felt by me, then take my shoes, and say that others exposed to fight feel like me and become ill, those are not the causes for illness and addiction. I wake up early and go to bed at 8pm because I live at home with my family, that is out of respect for their wellness not up at night and not out at night. There are some people who are privileged to be in charge of their own wellness in life, and there are some to whom their wellness affects others. I am well aware of having illness and whether those illnesses have an affect on others, I take meds, that doesn’t mean Im mentally ill nor should be treated as mentally ill. I was hospitalized on 06/28/19, its for those reasons I could not sit at dinner for my Mothers birthday, learn to let things go. Its wanting to know if upon recognition I feel ill around others, whether that’s just inside me, or whether in public others are ill toward me, as recognizing me or seeing me. Illness is illness, not by fame, are people seen and recognized and hated upon, and if you are trying to influence that condition, that is likely to cause illness or worry to those reading along, and especially ruins or hurts my condition as sharing, and hurts my ability to share, as not well. Voices are voices, and if you hear voices, you call 911, and visit the police in person to discuss those voices, and if you need help they can assist you, either help you to the hospital, or help prevent others from hacking and hurting your insights in life. Eventually people move further and further away from you, that’s the goal as a writer, not to be hurt nor affected by others, as having written.
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AuthorLeslie Fischman Archives
July 2021
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