01-21-20
Sometimes you get pushed to your limits in life, the best thing you can do is get help, ask for help, and speak to the right people in order to get the help you need. Sometimes things get better, and sometimes, after sharing about your past find yourself reliving old memories of what you overcame 7 years ago as a runner, in public, and how long it took for you to recover, from talking to yourself through your problems, discussion of what ails you never necessitates so much privacy that it need not be recorded, the best way to move forward is to record and move on in life, whether not shared publicly, however that gives no one the right to go through your things, if they are not given permissions to investigate your well being. Its wrong to hurt people, because you think they are being bad, or for worry of thinking they are speaking anticipating that they are not on board, or thinking poorly of others, I think such assignments, such as required by AA, were triggered discussions, about things that bothered me, not things currently bothering me, and upon sharing, became very ill, as well as sharing out loud, my dating history, you don’t realize how far you have come in life, until you are forced to divulge what brought you to recovery in the first place, that must be for the purposes of not making the same mistakes again in life, that is if it is deemed you have been in error in the past. Otherwise theres really no benefit moving forward or going back in life to resume, old friendships, if pried from you something far back to think of anything that ever bothered you, as though affecting your current outlook, or present circumstances, if you have a problem, its never because of problems past, problems that bring you to recovery are problems you have created for yourself, disabling your ability to focus, by not living as best as you can and living up to negative expectations of you, whats even worse is being wrongfully accused of not taking meds as directed and arrested in public, and refused to be allowed to drive a block home, and take your abilify and sleep, even worse when a cab drops you off a block away from home in front of an ex Sponsor’s house, since when is he out on the street when Im running by, encouraging me to return to AA, since when is it okay to be put down, then encouraged to make amends, usually its not the case that you return to places or people you feel hurt by, so for those reasons, seldom attend AA meetings, those are my home groups, but if not welcome, or too difficult to comprehend why someone from a sensitive past has shared in public, its to make sure that never again do we use a painful example as a place to talk about life from, leading back to an even graver pain, and then to lift those affected, put down the storyteller, as insensitive. I think for a personal statement, as directed its okay to mention, to share personal statement, many years later, and no longer 19 as written about, doesn’t make sense, one was my story, one was about another victim, neither story should have been told, as a beginning to a personal statement, best to start with a story about you, that does not include mention of anyone belonging to a sensitive population, later realizing now, if to help not mention who to help, or why, and if to later hashtag to help, similarly, not explain why, as soon as you get questioned in life, the answers get brought from what you have disclosed, as impetus for sharing in that fashion, then if anything piled on later, you cannot keep track of, well you become responsible for explaining what was in error, and why you looked stupid, and what you meant in the past or presently why you are not able to remain stable, even after talking to the courts and the police. I am treading very thin waters, because after disclosing I get help, then I fear others will harm me as representation of who I am being helped by as though to do them a favor, how I got hurt how I get hurt, as hurting me on behalf of those they think were or are victim to me, since when was it declared that I go after people, talk to people, openly share to anyone, its me that gets approached, on two occasions pitched and needed cocaine in LA, that’s all. #stopsuicide
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AuthorLeslie Fischman Archives
July 2021
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