Eventually you find your way, with or without help from others, with or without blame, and with or without anyone becoming defensive to any of your choices in life, make you the matter of public controversy, instead of taking ownership of how they view you: criminal. Ive never been criminal in my entire life, Ive never bought drugs, sold drugs, been in a gang, hung out with criminals, or been social for the purposes of coming up with a solution to my problems which doesn’t include crime or experimentation with my health or the good health of others. Ive never done anything without permission, I have never loved anyone for sex, or ever have made sex the problem in terms of how I would look to others, its something you forget, and then afterward it happens, what you look like, which explains why living life is difficult, if you are thought about in the negative then that will be what comes to mind upon looking at someone, and its in my wellness, Im not taken seriously, or if Im one way, treated another way, and you will never know peoples stopping points, when then are done with you, that’s not their attitude, it will be your attitude what you feel like, what youre about, what you work toward, and what youre ready for, and if youre not ready to present on all levels, then maybe blogging is not for you, maybe blogging is not for those who get sued, maybe blogging is not for those asked to leave, maybe blogging is not for those called “weird,” maybe blogging is not for those who talk to themselves, maybe blogging is not for those who date, maybe blogging is not for those who graduate from law school, and maybe blogging is not the best way to show love and care. If I didn’t care and didn’t want to help I wouldn’t blog, your brain is dependent upon your physical health, I already got several MRIs and I survived the worst of it self-harm, there is no reason why that condition should have happened to me again, Im not violent, and maybe self-harming (which looks like a tantrum) is enough for anyone to disregard me as stable, or even be in the same room as me, and so long as that is thought of about me, then you will never know scary, you will never know mean, you will never know tolerance, you will never know insult, and you may never know the issues, being faced with all along beginning 2008, so think 2008 -2021, how did that go, was I professional, was I productive, did I work, did I date, did I have friends, did I go out and be social, whatever it is that is gearing your interpretation of me seeing me alone, means that there is something wrong with your lens not mine, and that’s not conditioning other people to looking at me and to see me as pretty, that’s also not forcing me to share my heart and intelligence with anyone who will read makes sense to them, and in the alternate sends a voice to me, how is that supposed to give me peace of mind, I haven’t been able to stay asleep for several weeks now, and wake up ready to work and read, and sometimes have to go back to sleep and sometimes stay awake, Ive never not been thinking, not been writing, not been working, and that’s not a joke for you to apply to act like you know me and everyone is so close, we are not so lets keep everyone interests separate from anyones interests in favor of me or working not in favor of me, and see how you guys feel if you would just allow me to do well, get a job, and not give me voices, which is not my audience, its b y reading, reading then my feeling reading then looking at me, then watching me write watching me think, then who is the voive instilled into me when Im tired, then that’s who is watching me, then waiting to hear from me, then speaking to what they want to hear coming out of me, and if its guilt, that happens, if its apology then that happens, if its facts then that happens, if its my pictiures then its discussed, if it whats online, then theyre quiet, its easy to scan and review someones life, and make a quick judgment its harder to live life over an 8 year period, trying to get well, waiting for love, and for things to not work out for you, and that’s a very painful truth ab out working online, you don’t get paid you have nothing to show for it, you seem intense, youre not stable, and things are not working out for you, and that’s to highlight whats not working out recently for others affected by suicide. In the 8 years that I have been writing, when did I ever bring up 2008, when was that ever anyones business, and why should whatever happened to me in what year serve what purpose fot the people to know, in order to figure out something else about others, then treat me like I have something they want (love), or Im looking at others to achieve something I don’t have (strength).
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The last I checked, I remembered him
The way he was, without being determined The set of excuses, which no clue can bear The trust of an army, with no room to spare And as he twinkled and I cried, with nothing spent I was able to get by, but without them knowing And from their lives stood, there was not knowing Which element and why before what or represents And that’s when they took me to Makai So if youre ever wondering, and nothing up top Or too animated for words, with a few seconds to spare Do not forget who was there and whos always cared And don’t let your storylines and bylines, lose your hair If we could be one we wouldn’t bundle up under there If we only knew one, we wouldn’t all feel down there And if we broke, and no tent to group us Then that’s all we’d be left with voices to steer us And if you cant trust, or cannot rely on whats made And if whats made you think was in vain No remote control canons or ships in from maps No parades, and tokens, or bridges for hearts to collapse Then who would it fix, to hear from the past And whos past would know, what will happen So far as the eye can see, for as far as we have been When it shapes us and leaves us alone, and wakes us Who is left alone, those who have paid their dues No not for a schizophrenic wire, and those with new cars No not for an admission to a wire, or for driverless cars And when it becomes you, and 100% you, and 100% them What will it matter, what days you have left, if not Proud for the days you have lived, and when they did matter So lets not compare, by what is tagged, and who is now missing Lets not forget, for all those who stood in despair, and not let That happen again, not with room to spare, another reaction So what us painful, is too late, what is well, is not awake What is smart is not driven, what was there is not excitement What was well was recognized as well, what is sick, is forgotten And that’s how you know you’ve changed, and with nothing next Spent 2 hours trying to switch my iCloud email account, make a new one, and fix my phone. Then spent 2 hours writing to stop voices, which doesn’t stop bullying voices, still figuring out how to respond to bullying, what makes them feel at ease, whats a loss to me, whats a win to them, and how to think speak and behave, so that I don’t ruin any relationships or rapport.
Today I wore all pink, without knowing that the sky would be pink today, and the other day I wrote about things in not positive way, and then sky was dark and cloud came over and rain. You will think a lot of about life, but you will not know the beauty of life, until you waste time getting tired, not saying the right things, not able to use your smarts, or get weak trying to reason with any voice, that doesn’t appreciated being connected to you hearing from you. The main lesson, is that eventually everyone learns of one another, and if the world feels small that’s not in a good way, so always do your best to represent others well, even the ones who took over for leadership positions when others were not strong, a positive representation. What is a life force? Someone you improve for, it may not be actually happening for you in life, but it will be someone to remind you, that you don’t know it all, or if you suffer will be because of something you have done wrong, not always deserved, but a pain is also not a feeling you can fight about, inquire about, prove happened, or try to make sure doesn’t happen, all that matters is that you accept those who are well, for being well, when everyone needed to see the beauty in life, focus on the positive, not for anyone to feel replaced by any lesser order, or any lesser being, or any lesser influence, or any lessor intelligence, not in tune with their surrounding, or even happy with who they are, upon connecting will always be a responsibility, to say what is proper, not to challenge anyone listening, when there are listening ears, that’s also a heart that’s being invested, a heart that can be torn, a heart that deserves sensitivity, when that cannot be provided, you will not inherit a stronger heart or a stronger body, or become that person proving anyone wrong in life, and that’s setback, pain, and miscommunication, all of which leaves you in a feeling of not saying the right things, or even worse bringing upon yourself any pains in life, or crediting ones own relationships in life, as not having suffered any pains, or being used to subject anyone else to pains in life by comparison. Who is leading who, by description, it will be you what you say that will lead the thoughts that others have with regards to you, whether you have something of intelligence to say or whether you would ever respond or react in a way that subjects anyone to harm, especially the vulnerable, especially the disable, especially the young, especially those with futures. So although its important to win and be strong, that’s not how you get power and light, seeing someone, ruining their life, and then become spokeperson to the issues for everyone. That’s not how a person is represented that’s not how to appear better or be viewed in the wrong, no one is tolerant of anyone who needs love, or photos in order to be loved, it’s a new thing, probably short lived, and not a respected form of communication, the fruit for disagreement. So when is it painful, when everyone was okay and youre not okay, because of voices, they think are from online, readers don’t talk, so it must be something talking about or connecting them trying to talk to me, to see if I can hear and whether Im mean to myself or if I hear the voice of someone self-harm, I think if you get hurt within your body, by a voice, that can hurt your mind and body, and then not catering to the understanding of another, then made to self harm as though a voice does not matter, and that’s not how to live life, be treated as someone without a voice, or be given voices as described and create some network of voices within a body to see how power is retained, lost, or made, and by what advices is one able to steer clear. I think life goes on, and if you get sick, its not always your fault, and if there is a pressure you cannot withstand you can call your attorney and police, and if you recover its okay to blog, if you later become not strong enough to work, that’s okay too, but don’t make anything you think past bipolar important for anyone who is not smart enough to be able to tell what has happened or what is presently going wrong for you, so what hurt is, something I cannot explain, what is hurting me, and that’s being hurt some place I cant see it, something I recently feared was being done to me, to treat me as someone who connects or believes there to be a connection where there is not one, and has fake fantasies about themselves with another they admire, to people who are not inviting in that way, and wrongfully accuse you of watching people, or deriving joy from watching people, or cause you sickness if well among, and then see how you feel without anyone, its all painful, past the point of not doing well, and its not something you need to explain to anyone, why you were nice looking and smart, now in pain. Why (removed): Painful now – word “hate” doesn’t feel good writing the heading – not post
By the time you have gone though mental illness and back, everyone will already be over it, no one will need you, everyone will think youre too much, or not happy, not thankful, not be appreciative, not see you as well, not think youre well, apart of them will always think, there is something wrong with you, with expectation for you to appear differently, or be stronger, or keep going, or love someone new, or keep taking videos, or smile or photo,and think that that is fun to see your face change, your head size change, your body change, and either prefer to remember you as fat, or for something grose they heard about you, then who is the person they see as you trying to be like, picking up traits from, what do they think your made out of: stupid. If I were stupid I wouldn’t get good grades, focus on school, be liked, have the heart time and attention to love, wouldn’t respond, wouldn’t be affected, would care to help, wouldn’t go out of my way, to figure out, wouldn’t have put everything together to see what happened. And that’s no ones fault if anyone doesn’t understand the concept of someone seeing something well, then seeing you as not well, whether or not you wrote all four essays, two for you two for your boyfriend. So that’s you not gettings As, and he got As, then he was admired, and you weren’t, and the files saved in my computer, continued to represent him in my words, see him as and see how I sounded in a very important class: Violence Against Women and Girls, so if you ever wonder about where everyones opinions come from, its half of what people say, half of what they think, half or what think think looking at everything without you knowing it, half of whats left behind or missing, drawings, or photos removed, or torn up, or yearbook amended, it will be what you think the judgement is about in the negative toward you, will be what they think you are saying when you share a photo or keep a nice photo of another, not understand that you do everything with care, but anyone looking will see that you were like this then you looked like that, and they will blame you to see how you feel, if you get portrayed as not trustworthy, or be treated as though you have a personality, that they view as problematic, not a mindful person. So the more immature you are, the more that goes wrong, the more you get sick, the poorer you respond, the bigger they are, the smaller they see you as, that’s them sticking up for someone you are not at odds with supported, then treat you like you are a poor influence, or not a good person, and think that you want to be them now that they get to be you with him, look at you. I don't think Ive ever looked dumber in my entire life, blank, not going, not working, not able, than right now, and Im sure there is nothing I can do about giving up, the meds not working, still subjected to self-harm, still viewed as bad, or guilty, ot not smart, or not pretty, emotional, or lost, not put together, and it seems that the more there is wrong with me, the better another will feel, as though they have not done me wrong, and me not doing well or saying anything that does not better situate me, is a defense for them, and then they wont feel like they look bad, and thats how life is, you either move on, or you dont move on then they think youre attached, then you get better then you do well, then they get scared to see what you remmeber, if you rememebr and already talked about it, then its probably not the issue faced with now, if they think thats a good issue to treat you as having graduated and see that good things did not happen for you listening to your friends, thats how the past or other people who dont know new people, get to hurt you to see how you respond if you get hurt, and expect you to be stronger, or better, or more resilient, or poised, see if you get sick, what you do next, or who you like and thats not the solution, to create any animosity toward anyone who deserves to have a private life, and who does not need the negative attention does not need to get hurt, or for anyone to think that anyone hurtful is watching them, or treat me as though Im the energy or person watching others and writing online, I dont check my Facebook. #privacy - Who deletd my Farmville up to Level 39? Who printed a picture of someone I met living at the Dorms that I did not have sex with? Who remoevd the photo of Kedrick from my Diary, who put a tear drop on one page? Why is anyone going through my things, what is there to know about me, if you are well around me that means Im well, if I seem special maybe that means not to hurt me, if you are scared, its because you think that Im going to go backwards in life or think anyone is hurting me now because anyone hurt me then, deserved, its not. #sober - So in viewing my life, and seeing Im nice, thats not permission to punish me, or use me, or hurt me, lose respect. Thats seeing me, knowing me, then not caring about me, if you want to do all of that, and dont ask for my number, or if you want to know all about that and wonder why we dont talk, its because they dont text me, they are nice to me, and maybe they know that I am doing well in Law School, and usually thats how respect works, if you have done a good job and well they leave you alone, if you are not doing well, they feel entitled, then everyone treats you like a club, thinks that the more they know the more they'll understand, and that if they see something or they know something, then that will be something that they know they dont think you know, aware. Originally Posted 03-06-21 What is self-sabotage? Some things are forgiveable, being stupid is not one of them, especially when you have it all, and wont be anyone elses fault but yourself, if respect for you or your condition, having been hospitalized 9x for being tired, or disillusioned, and its not your fault. What does it feel like? According to healthline.com, when “you feel trapped in patterns that create problems in your life and keep you from achieving your goals,” [1] that is your ability to stay well, and continue to move forward, your life comes to a hault, and that’s not a force to be wreackoned with, not feeling well, and getting sick, its not a condition you can fight through, its not a stage of life you can talk yourself through, and its not a state of being, that you can turn on and off like a light switch, whether the damage is permanent, its your job to get well. This is why some people are trusted and some are not, it depends on what you allow to control your decision making in life, whether you are thinking of everyone, or whether you appear to be focusing on the wrong things in life, what you don’t have love, a boyfriend, or a husband. That will not happen for you so long as you get sick, or don’t feel well, so spare yourself the disappointment, for trying for things in life, like companionship, friendship, or love, whats more important is your health, when you are well its easier to help others, take care of others, speak normally, not be defensive, and set a good example. So no matter what words are put through you to cause you sickness, to put others in a state of disbelief, always be honest. The first people I reported to were the police (hard to get through to), the FBI (not interested), Texas DA (oversight), Oklahoma DA (oversight), a detective (who Im talking to by email and everyone affected), 911 (oversight), and The US Supreme Court, (what went wrong) that’s in the event that you are no longer yourself, and not feeling well, that is something you have to report, even if nothing can be done about it, what are the consequences? #stopdefamation --Everyone who was okay with you, proud of you, happy for you, didn’t have a problem with you, did not study you in depth, were not bothered by you, respected your mental health issues, did not expect much from you, were looking forward to you doing well in life, understood how hard you’ve worked, how long it took for you to do well, all of that mattered then, but what cannot be fixed now is others trying to comprehend how you got sick, what caused you sickness, how you were harmed, why you were scared, what put you in shock, how you lost control over your own life, and content, what made you unstable, and what caused you voices and mental illness (self-harm) and that’s not something that can be changed, no one can make you feel better, reassure you, fix you, treat you, or help you, not if you are not willing to give it up to God, and move forward with your life, not put anyone at risk of harm, or overshare in exact detail, of what was done to you, for who and why. What is the importance of having a job that you get paid for, earning an income, having money in your bank account, and being able to provide for yourself? And what will people think if you have no money, just overcame mental health issues, started doing well working at a steady pace, what could go wrong then? If youre not desperate and living a slow paced, careful life, then everything can fall off balance, and that’s nothing you can control, what voices are created in response to something not going right, its something everyone can hear, or no one can hear, or everyone can feel, or no one can feel, and that’s not how you determine who is important, who is of value, who has a future ahead of them, or who should not be allowed to move forward, not have a life, not feel good, or suffer and be put in pain, given headaches, and feel sickly stuck in bed, that’s how quickly everything can go wrong for you in life, and that’s why to be careful about who you talk to or give power to make any decisions for you regarding your present state or at the flip of a switch, ruin your life, or put you or anyone else down in life, treat you like your scum of the earth, or come from a bad seed in life, an imitation of something already successful, not someone who has been working towards being well functioning normally, over an 8 year period, responding to the courts, calling the police, reporting as you go, sharing insights, where youre at, whats going well or what needs work, that’s the shock, of your life being thrown away, and no one will understand that much about you. Why is having a job important? Ive been applying to jobs in law since 2008, the purpose for getting a legal education was to work in law, and they are very picky, and if you don’t stay well burn out for something personal, then you cant work, you don’t stay well, and you stay home, and that’s not what I wanted, that’s not recovery, that’s not an excuse to complain, or talk about life any differently, that’s not something you can control, your health and what others think. How has blogging helped, over a two year period, “Having a job to go to everyday is very closely linked to self-worth and self-esteem, says psychotherapist Charles Allen. ... When you have a job, you feel like you are a contributing member of society,” [2] not to mention I got my face back, I lost 30 lbs, was running every week, sometimes everyday, living a peaceful life, not in seclusion, never ignored anyone, was there for everyone, responded to texts, and did my best when everyone else was struggling on their own at home during COVID, not all will understand or have compassion, nothing was ever my fault, had there not been so many natural disasters, I would not have written books, pitched ideas to FEMA, stayed healthy, or blogged, and do my best not to assume what everything is about, not to play mediator to any ongoing fights or arguments, worked, did not complain, or treat anyone else as suspicious or at fault, for anything happening to me in my life, but there comes a point when you don’t stay strong, and that’s when you burn out, when you look stupid, when you don’t feel good, and nothing can be done. That’s life, you either get let back into peoples lives, or you struggle, doing well is a precondition to being let back into peoples lives, and if you don’t stay well, then that’s hurtful to everyone, and that’s how your life gets ruined, and you have to start over, that’s how quickly wellness is lost. Everyone has been waiting for me to leave my room, start talking, head up, face fixed, lose weight, get going again, get a job, be myself again, not convinced Im mentally ill, or not going to make it in life, or worse be punished, or subjected to lawsuit, and harmed again in life, I wouldn’t work hard or write, if it didn’t matter to me for no one to be mad at me, for no one to not be sure about me, for anyone to think differently than me, without a blog, all you get are voices and no progress, and stuck in bed all day, you have to do something with your life.
#worldpeace Reference: [1] https://www.healthline.com/health/self-sabotage [2] https://www.bayaudenterprises.org/social-enterprises/the-link-between-employment-and-self-esteem/ Originally Posted 03-06-21 Its never advantageous for you to mention another, all mentions will be noted in the negative, why not to mention anyone, without their permission, or mention for interpretation for how you feel about someone, whether or not you are happy for someone, or remember something, that sounds like you feel as though another harmed you, if you have been in someones life, as an employee, no matter what the circumstance was, if they were nice to you, does not always mean that anything that has gone wrong, without mention, has not bothered them or been the cause for their instability or your own. Never call attentions to anyone specific, its likely to attract an audience, of unwanted attentions in life, and whether or not you can feel that difference in attention toward you, results in a stress, an unwanted stress, and that’s not a disconnect from who you were compared to how you are viewed now, that’s without expectation for it amounting to something remembered about you, that causes you not to feel good about yourself, and its not always through a misrepresentation of you, usually thought deserved brought upon you, thinking that you are not connected situated among the well or deserving to do well, others may not photo the same, everyone will appear differently, some more affected than others, but in order for those immediately reviewing your work, how you are, what you say, who is connected to you, the beauty in life, is being able to speak freely its not in who is around you that words are spoken, or that ideas are made, or readings created, based upon anyone watching you, knowing you or reading you, all input affects your output, whether or not you can control that or your tone, even if you get voices, which is not your voice, or how you sound, if it affects you, that is what is being tested for annoyance, tolerance, or change to sickness or wellness. What is deserved? I think if you get sick upon anyone not liking you once, you will get sick upon someone not liking you again, and that’s talking to men, if you are not well, they don’t want to know you, youre hard to talk to, their disinterested in you, if anything bad happens to you, theyre upset with you, and you don’t feel like yourself able to be your loving self. So recognize what is done to you and why, don’t be defensive, report it, and do your best to get well even if your head hurts, you don’t feel smart, not able to start law school until a year later after getting into a new school, all traumas take time to heal. -Later if you improve if you are read its not because you are talking about your troubles, or because you are important its because what youre saying makes sense and is of value, and that can all change if your life shortens, if you get sick, if you stop being unmotivated, if you give up, or if you lose confidence. You get let back into life once, after disappointment, and it’s a steep hill to climb past disappointment, your head hurts, you may self-harm, anyone who has seen you upset, will not see you as strong, will see you as pathetic, will treat you as a threat, will not see you as a woman, its men who get upset with you, think that they have that right like you connected to them, and they are you watching you and trying to change you and observe you, its my life too Ive been improving: running everyday, posting everyday, reporting if I need help, not complaining, not threatening suit, if someone is upset that means stop, that’s not because Im going to get angry snap or hit my head, that’s my head I only have one brain, and if I get sick, I cannot hand stress, I cannot handle voices, I cannot handle photography, I cannot handle conversation, I cannot handle work, and then how am I supposed to live the rest of my life, when I look different than I sound, if Im not well enough to work or be loved, then where is that pain coming from what rejections in life, what judgements, and that’s how you go downhill in life, that’s not being old, that’s your body giving up on you, and that’s you not being left alone, and being attacked as though your integrity is non-existing, that’s how a life gets shortened, without the ability to work and stay well around others, and its really nothing to complain about, its if you say something that someone is doing to you, then they do something to you to say that you are doing something to then, then if its you that’s not doing well, then its you that’s reading into them, then you get sick, and they feel better, then they connect, then they feel good, then you feel worse, and you feel sick, and that’s having no one in life, that’s them blaming you, then wanting you to describe them, then its who takes ownership of what has happened to you, is it you what your saying, is it them thinking you are talking about them, or is it you that feels sick, and that’s what has caused their loss in motivation for attacking you, when is the stopping point, if they don’t stop, then I don’t stop about how I have been harmed, and then when is the point that others give up on you, when you don’t sound well anymore, when you are not doing well, when no one new can accept you, then its you not positive, and if they are not positive about you not doing well, then what is the point for a temporary emotion that they can snap out of, worth to cause a permanent injury to me to illustrate another joke of someone who gets threated suit, self-harms, so no one cares, and that’s the cycle of violence, that’s the script to be followed, who last did not like you and why, what is going on in your life, and that’s the power they feel, seeing you not connected to you, and then you not feeling like you, and no one connected to you, then what is your worth? All the magical things that happen in life, occur when you are well, that is when you graduate, that is when you are loved, that is when you can get a job, that’s when everyone is happy around you, and if you do anything stupid, or something stupid is being done to you, then that’s how you lose everything then how long will it take in order for me to do well again, that was my last opportunity to move forward in life Ive been applying for a paid position since 2008, I got one paid position 2018, chose to work in film convinced work to pay, then got sick let go, and that’s how life is, you either buy into ideas and do well, or there is nothing for you later in life, and if you are 35 you don’t have time to invest in anything that you can sick, or not recover from physically or mentally so its not important to bring that up, to justify anyone for furthering a disability to see if you can handle negativity in life or loss of control, and some don’t recover. So its not necessary to hurt someone publicly they are not to blame, for travels, for deals, for lawsuits, for sides, a book is not about blame or bad ideas or misleading covers, and to stop violence its not about nudity, talking about anyone, mentioning countries, or sharing all my belonging and timeline, I don’t hide anything from the courts, I share everything, so if Im doing well I have reported everything, they know everything they are not blaming everyone and that means that Gods job has been done, so don’t treat anyone like they are nobody or not helping an already stable situation, if I wasn’t of value to President Trump, he would not have gotten COVID, when I got hurt and made to loolk stupid, that means real people have been helped by me, and that means that their body is in disagreement over who is getting sick or why, so know that much in life, that bodies are dependent upon one another to do well in life, and that’s not to say that a regular body doesn’t deserve to feel special, all people deserve to feel special, and all that wellness should be evenly distributed to all, not given to one person, not held by one identity, and that was a rare instant in which someone who was punished was able to do well, and that’s not to be famous alongside any famous defendant, that causes mental illness to me.
Ive stated my weaknesses, thats not to help someone hurt me: (1) I don't like excitement (2) Fame is not the solution for violence (3) I dont identify by race or religion or defend people who think its OJ (4) I dont need to be hurt to learn a lesson or be made fun of to shrink my ego (5) Thats not my ego thats my heart and thats my head taking care of my body (6) I dont need to experience life to know about life to talk about life (7) I dont need love to feel pretty, and companionship is not marriage and property (8) I own my body and my face and my life, and I worked hard to have my body my face and my life (9) Only a few people were proud of me and finally happy for me, and they all got hurt (10) If everyone is hurt I cannot go to the hospital I have to get help and help everyone (11) If everyone is okay, and COVID is rising, and mental health issues dont help, why I went down (12) If you are well and then you get sick because someone is mean to you, its by what you say (13) If everyone sees death and they see you, and dont see you as affected, thats how you get hurt (14) If no one knows when to stop when I say stop thats because they want to compare me to OJ (15) OJ is not my God, he is not my client, I grew up around him, and I did my best to not die too. (16) Im not suicidal, I get voices, and I dont have to say what voices are saying to say why my head hurts. (17) If voices are reinforced by people harming me thats so they can build a lawsuit. (18) The purpose for building a lawsuit, is to mischaracterize me in unison, and blame me. (19) The purpose of blaming me in unison, is so that I dont belong anywhere dont feel good anywhere. (20) It takes many years to get going again, be smart. I said fighting causes me illness, why Im sick. (21) If I dont defend myself and things get worse, then how am I supposed to do well elsewhere. (22) The importance for you seeing what I sound like mentally ill, me being well is more important. (23) If someone is not interested in me, and my attentions wander, thats not permission to attack me. (24) Dont attack me on their behalf, dont cause me suicide, and dont cause me self-harm, I wrote them: 8yrs. Originally Written 03-05-21 I think Im going to discontinue blogging for the time being. I have been suffering from headaches/pain since November, and thats not a selective decision to give up when it appears that Im doing well, if I get headaches or do not feel physically fit to handle any pressures in life and continue to write well, then that was a smart decision, Ive been doing my best seeing a new psychiatrist, I have not been running as much, going through a lot of stress, with mental health issues, and need to write less, and get back to normal, I know that if Im not doing well that doesnt help anyone else, to hear from anyone who is not feeling well because of voices or self harm, I would never give up in life, or put myself in pain, or necessary hardship, and not get help, when you are not well, you wont always know what the reasons are for you not feeling well and its also not something that you can explain, disappointment is apart of life, and if your not strong enough for criticism, then its not required that you continue to challenge yourself past the point of not being respected, and its never been my intention to talk about life, like I ever didnt do my best, or was ever focused on the wrong things in life, or ever deserved to be bullied, if I ever misspoke then that would be my fault, if I was ever made to feel guilty or not a good person, that hurts me, professionally to have improved over 8 years, and to get sick again, it also hurts to not be well enough to be around people continue doing well. Im sorry if I ever experienced bipolar in public, its not something I talk about, I know everyone is busy with their own lives, not to be disappointed by anyones health issues (voices). The goal is not to give up, or self-harm, and not to connect past the point of disappointment. That much I understand, anyones rejections of me, or not seeing any improvement in me through writing. Why I stopped sharing photos. Take care everyone, and stay well, bipolar is not a common disorder, and if I dont represent someone who improved then I dont also want to be a sad story mislead anyone into thinking that being on meds is easy, or getting back to normal. Take care.
If you are doing well, and misdescribe the interaction, then that is who is watching you punishing you, coming on too strong by voices, to treat you as having a strong energy that you bring upon others, or cannot tell is an unwanted energy, or an excited energy, that they think is suspicious, or demonstrates misconduct, or for the wrong reasons, nice to another. I don’t think at any time I have ever been racist toward anyone for any reason, nor have accused anyone for not being welcoming to anyone who was of value to me a companion in life, and its for those reasons that you are made to look sick or be punished in life if you have not realized the consequence of your statements, who that affects, who has supported you, what arguments are made in support of you, and when anyone has suffered where were you in life, to have been there for others, to have made things better, present and aware, or distant, aloof, and into yourself, or not being cautious for the good health of others. That’s not a team in life that is made to suffer, not for their own wrongs, not for anything you have said, everyone who has ever helped you, is not always connected to you in a deep or spiritual way, and if you ever fail to impress anyone, or later come to think of any lectures, then it will be by what you have written, judged as though you have ever questioned or been made to believe that anyone who has ever trusted you, heard from you, and helped you to make a decision concerning your education, and future not have been a significant part of your life, and also be mentioned with the same degree of sensitivity of anyone living, who is around to watch us all evolve, and for some to take responsibility for their level of achievement in life, or for others to be punished, or made weaker as a result of not having performed well. Even if there is nothing that can be done that doesn’t mean give up, or be caused to endure any condition of accused “addiction,” to cause any loss to anyone, depending on you to stay well, and not to cause harm to their health or result in a loss of faith, that is feeling hurt by you, not proud of you, people are very forgiving, but there comes a point in time, when you can no longer tolerate all the accusations or confrontations, or bossing, or mismanagement, of your life and career, and be swayed around in life, to witness a public reactions they wish to take credit for, in pride, and that’s having no one on your team in life, and you don’t need law school for respect, you don’t need a masters to be considered smart, you don’t need a website to stay alive, you don’t need to date to not be considered gay, you don’t have to respond to voices, you don’t have to defend yourself, or speak about anyone elses experiences in life, be judged as being insensitive, or stalking an issue, and making an issue having to do with another your own issue, and that’s how you get viewed, what strengthens your character what weakens your character, who you trust or admire, and what is later deemed to be something wrong with you that you cannot fix about yourself, theres not later point in time where a hope or a sense of pride, needs to be diminished to cause a similar reaction on a grander scale, even if by another Country, be compounded and connected to anything in your possession, make things about them, as though you are around them, you are not helping them, or are helping them, or are crediting, or not crediting, or for any others circumstance in which others want to know how you look or what you say in the event of a loss, or whether you turn to people, God, or substances to feel better, and that’s not your Bosses job, that’s not the Courts job, that’s not an Attorneys job, that’s not your pasts job, that’s not your Family’s job, that’s not your Doctor’s job, that’s not your Boyfriends job, that’s not the UN’s job, that’s no ones job but my job to create a sense of wellness in my life, not to create guilts, or do anything to harm myself, to cause me to not like myself, or to not be liked by others, and that’s the problem with being open, being professional, being chaste, being loving, getting well, getting sick, or trying to overcome any condition in which you are having difficulty living life, providing for others, being trusted, or being able to stay in your shoes in life, and demonstrate some control over the issues, so that no one responds poorly, or causes you instability, lack of clarity in presentation of the issues, in a kind and easy way to digest everything that is important to be known, and to not push people to their limits in life, be tested, or put through any more hoops than they can handle in life, to broach subjects concerning the merits of others, while your own merits be questioned as being insensitive to all, or partaking in any criticism to anyone, or ever speaking or considering the issues of others, in a personal way, naughty way, vindictive way, jealous way, or in any way, in which you seem threatened or blame anyone for your later loss of control and stability, and that’s not always caused by anyone, that results when you lose love. And that’s not your fault.
You can have everything in life, once you are broken, there is nothing you can do to make your life better until you move forward no matter how painful living gets no matter how complicated everyones side gets on you, no matter what you have done well, all lives are worth living, don’t let anyone convince you it’s a bad life, or convince you you have been of harm to anyone who has come into you life, or no longer in your life, life is hard to live, if you are not positive, don’t take time to be happy for others, enjoy life, be thankful for what you do have, no matter how stupid you look, there I nothing that can be taken back once you get hurt in life, and even if your life is ruined and everyones making jokes about you, that should not affect you, not if you care about others, not if you have been rooting for others, and not if just today is difficult and you were made to talk about the past in a way to which you took personal offense. Ive never harmed anyone, physically, or sexually, or mentally, I have been harmed in life, convinced not to finish law school not having the potential for marriage, not being poised enough, and that’s too many hoops for friendship, or love at this point in my life at 35, or even for a job its not worth the effort, trying to be something Im not, or be treated as someone stronger than I am. The point at which things become too much, is when you are made to feel aggravated or self harm or be blamed for anyone else condition as being “too strong” or not on a “loving basis” out of “necessity,” and that’s how you end up with no one, nothing is real, not even imagined, your reality is not clear, your future is not happening, your not working, and you have no one on your side in life, that’s supporting everyone, and then not complaining about anything. Anyone will exclaim everything they have been through once they are tired and nothing is good enough. And that’s when they start blaming you, you are no longer happy, you don’t photo well, you are not strong, you become not hireable, you don’t feel like yourself, you don’t recognize yourself, and all those little things that’s people were not okay with, that’s becomes you not okay with yourself. This how a blog is ruined, this is how a “voice” get repeated to everyone who did support you on your blog, this is when you get treated like your on the wrong teams in life, this is when you question your purpose in life, and this is when nothing can be solved by talking about your life, anytime you have been hurt or heartbroken and why that matters now, if you have no one in your life, made to hear voices and stuck at home self-harming, then how should you live life, then how should you get better, then when can anyone help you, when is help not needed?
Today is not a good day, I am not hopeful, I am being defensive, I dont feel good, I have recently self-harmed, I am not feeling well, I am not feeling motivated, I feel hurt, I could not sleep last night, I dont feel like going to meetings, I am not well enough to date, I dont plan on getting married, I wanted to work, Im not strong enough to work, I was doing well, I was not valued, I am getting voices, that is not my fault, I have to state every issue, that causes me discomfort, and pain, and thats not the solution, if people are not doing that to me in real life, then why should I be made to suffer at home with no human interaction, and how is writing supposed to help with voices, if its not a fight that I can win by having friends, going to meetings, talking about the past, moving forward, getting a job, or being defensive, and thats the disservice that occurs upon being loving, toward anyone, and then being treated as stupid, then what is the purpose for being loved, or blogging, or having a life, that was everything I have worked hard towards for 8 years trying to be my smart self again, not to excuse any drug use past, or casual sex, or drinking, all of that made me stupid and weird and thats not something I want to remember my life as being the times when I was alone, and when life was not hard, now I dont have the stamina to fight, be sued, work for anyone and go through all the hoops of being an employee, why am I suffering getting job interviews and replies, why all of a sudden do I feel sick and not doing well in life. Why am I the one suffering because someone else flips out on me, Ive never talked too deeply in private, Ive never been made to confess or be weird or say weird words in conversation with anyone and I dont deserve to be treated as reject or subjecting anyone to being on any losing teams in life. Growing up I was always one to have friends over at my house, that was a natural type of socialization that I grew up as end of the year school parties host, or weekend house, I grew up with an older brother, so that was normal for us to have friends over at the house. Im not sure what popular is by todays’ standards I don’t even think 17 million readers at one point, illustrates the fact that I am relatable, I am likeable, and there is nothing wrong with me. If at a later point you become less social, it eventually takes its toll, the more separate from friends you become, and there really is no new life you end up at, not if you don’t have a job, and are open to meeting new people and having a life of your own, which would have included attending AA meetings. That missing part from your life, is not being where you want to be in life, or not being the same person you were before you got hurt. I grew up with no history of mental health issues, did not take any meds in high school or my freshman year in college. It was only until sophomore year, that I began to struggle in school getting Bc and Cs, and on meds got As. So that was one difference I noticed. Ive had learning disability my whole life, in the slow reading group in elementary school. There seems to be a lot of pressure these days to be quick witted, or high energy, or work fast, and I don’t think that really happens for you if youre not prepared. Im still adjusting to a new life of “hearing voices,” which cannot be cured by meds, and only makes things worse the more I think about it, no matter how insulted I get, not to feel sick, throw up, or self-harm would be my goals in life, just to make it past “voices,” which would be to be at peace again, no matter who is watching me, reading me, no matter what “voices” said in the past when I was a full-time runner running everyday, alone at night. I think no one takes you seriously if you don’t have money and friends, and that’s a sad fact of life, and the more you complain about your past, the worse things get for you presently, and that doesn’t cure your mental health issues either. That’s something you have to figure out on your own how to get back to normal, its not by talking to people, any type of reassurances or forgiveness, no one wants to live life threatened by others, or fighting over attentions from men, who wants to live that life anyways, if they are not going to love you, then you don’t have to wait for them either. And if you cant move on, then don’t go backwards expecting love from anyone in life either. Its been a tough lesson to learn, started dating late (in college), and then didn’t settle down soon enough (in my early twenties) get married. So that’s a risk you take focusing on your education, or whoever you move forward with, and that’s totally okay, if things don’t work out for you in life, you can always later consider them friends, and that’s a positive still being on talking terms with exes, no matter what mood changes or life changes they go through be supportive of them.
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AuthorLeslie Fischman Archives
July 2021
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