Never get too wrapped up in the unhappinesses of others, that was one thing I never studied. Well hardly. I think I submitted one proposal for study once, and the topics too intense anyways to be studied through any academic institution specifically anyways, some things are best left unsaid or memorialized for that matter. It can mean something different for someone else looking at you, wondering what youre studying, or why you are studying what you are studying, and why should anything of that manner bother you, what stands out to you. A simple exam you take as a child looking at pictures, shown a drawing, and asked whether you see a butterfly or a mask I think is what it looks like now, and Im not sure what that was for anyways. But I graduated with honors and a merit pin in 6th grade and received an award in basketball. I guess everything looks different now about me, a different lens, a different track record, and there may be nothing I can do about it. When you have a perfect track record, or if you are outgrowing a loss you have endured in life, whether that be job loss, home loss, or car loss, you eventually spread you wings again, and maybe not on the same system of freedoms you experienced then, but under a different guise of pressure, which is to do what is right, to stay out of trouble, not necessarily be first to anything in life, not even when it comes to thinking, I think we all have time to think about life, and some of the best things in life you simply look at, like beauty in others, or happiness, and that’s a blessing all in itself, not to be toiled with. So I was thinking of removing "war terminology” from my last piece. Ive never been overtly obsessed about wars or traumas for that matter, which don’t spike you with terror until you are made to remember things in a different way, even things occurring before your time, so take a gander, read up on history, but don’t enliven the spirit of the wrongdoers in life, simply because you cant explain another period in time, when so many reminders of what has passed have come to light, that’s history, it happened, what can you do now for others and yourself to enjoy life as you are, if we have made it this far, what is stopping you now, your thoughts? The thoughts of others? Actions? Your own misbehaviors? What has been done to you? What has been done to others? There are so many painful ways of looking at things, but reliving trauma is by far the worst circumstance you can put anyone through for that matter, made to think about things, not as they were, peaceful, instead made to describe life, as it is now, which is anything less than peaceful. Whos an expert at making peace? Maybe the same people who are experts at making love and kids for that matter, but Im sure married people aren’t strong enough to pay attention to any of these issues anyways, as they have come to terms with most probably everything, and found happiness in one another. So lets not make no one person a Cold War vet sounds silly to mention especially not after a war you only realize after you grow up if it didn’t hit you in a scary way then it shouldn’t now means it doesn’t involve you (why it occurred overseas instead of at home) so be careful what you mention in case it makes you seem like you just walked through life not alarmed or not thinking in a gamey way strong because of everything. I think I was born with a strong body like Justice Roberts who was in all the action but level headed normal then I think later in life we both got scared but he’s a happy person inside so it takes a lot for him to be upset in public so I’m sorry. I think he’s okay now only means it in a playful way to get us thinking in a problem solving way I think is what he meant by what I remembered he said. Reminding me to be courteous during a time of loss even if I’m trying to help prevent losses accept when my own life may have affected others who perceived me to be a cause for a loss and I’m sorry if things were not tidy on my end seemed a contributing factor or carelessness ever or by my own error allowed for people to control me forget who to love not random people I’m sorry. Pretty painful stuff I know, when life was so good, people went on stage and rapped! That’s how powerful we once were and Im sure things will be that way again, so long as everyone is more careful to blame less, complain less, be thankful more often than not, and to never assume that any one person has it better than the other, we all live on earth and earth loves us all, so lets agree to that much about life, and let the rest figure itself out in time, that’s something I was once told “time heals all wounds,” I probably didn’t understand it when I heard it, but now I see that to have been a meaningful remark to get me to think about life not only for myself but also for others. I can see now that through writing online, Im not the only one who has things to say not appropriate for school, therapy, or AA, probably too opinionated and not esoteric and vague enough to be regarded as a smart way of thinking about things or speaking about life in general. So that’s just whats painful today, Im sure not everyday will feel like this, and the goal is to not allow things to get to this point, of not feeling well is the main point, whenever was life ever meant to be this painful, if it were, then we would not have been born or grown to have jobs, friends, lovers, companions, bosses, etc etc, think about that much before you go on wondering too much about the past or even presently wonder if youre where you need to be in life, you are here now, and like any moment lost, needs to be maintained by you to keep feeling good and be in that moment of focus, that’s basic nothing warish about it, or sad, that’s life it gets painful the more you think less of others, and it gets more beautiful the more well you think of others. So that being said, Im sorry if I loved the wrong people, was made to trust the wrong people, was made to give money I was gifted by the government because I cannot afford to take care of myself, Im sorry for whoever gave up on me and who caring about became an expense to. Im sorry if I memorialized all the wrong things in life, and if people thought it was inappropriate for me to study any subjects not concerning me in my free time. And Im sorry if I was ever misunderstood to be mentally ill, or not a careful thinker, thoughtful, or treated as insensitive to whatever the issues were: mens issues, or womens issues, that much I cant take back, whoever was offended by my presence or confidence in life, who has all of that down perfect anyways, feeling good and making everyone around you feel good too, something you don’t pay attention to, what you look like, or what you sound like, but something everyone else notices about you. So be kind.
Re: Term used “clueless.” That’s my fault he thought that, and my job to explain. 12-07-20 Originally Posted Note: I dont actually know him well enough to know how hes feeling Im sure if I get scared its because of my own doing, Im not experinced enough to help myself, and with lack of experince you get scared, so what I meant was he has been a professional longer, so Im sure that something Im going through is nothing new to him, sorry.
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If you can make things better then do so, but never at the expense of others, try to better yourself or others, not taking everything into account, when it comes to the safety needs of others with respect to your story whether publicly known or privately known by details about you, blame you for sharing stories about your life, which were thought to be later used as the basis for attack upon others, by guns, that’s your identity as known, and that’s something only you know, and don’t know who else knows, not by your numbers, so building a website was to make things better, that was writing everyday for more than a year, not able to get a job, and barely able to finish my masters, no secreting of words to mean anything else other than the life I have lived, it is true that what is thought of you, is what you were thought to be, or treated as in lieu of not alluding to attacks created by others, they thought your identity was the cause for attack to begin with: (1) Jewish (temple), (2) Enamourment (shot love interest), or any other incident including (3) San Bernadino (where I have never stated is where Richard Roby was from who hit on me on Facebook too, who’s half-brother is Kenyan Martin a professional NBA player, I later found out). So this is information known to them, not connected to me, only upon stating looks like a communication from me to cause, or through a representation of my interests or the interests of others caused, to attack my credibility or story in life not shared at length. If I got sued, it is therefore not my place to continue to share my story, and that was the risk I took launching a website, when things were not going right, didn’t sit and watch everything go down, became proactive writing books, and trying to figure out for myself what made sense to say, when, mostly before anything bad happened, I don’t think anyone needs to be on board with you when you decide to share your mind in public, but I also think if you are made to feel like the enemy to anyones story, even your own, that’s something you talk to the police about who I have been calling since 2013, so don’t treat me like Im half gone, everyone thinking Im guilty or the cause, and not think that Im a team player having applied to the US Navy February 2009 before attending law school, because Im on meds, they could not take me. So that’s how I guess they typically decide for themselves whos an expense, or poses a risk of harm to others, based upon how present you are in the eyes, or mentally by speech, how quick you speak or think, to anyone observing you that determines how put together you are, or whether you are made to feel scared and have a knowledge of something you are not telling others. I don’t keep secrets Im always honest, I don’t talk about others, I only talk about myself, and I don’t misrepresent people, not if I am under attack, usually when you are well you go out of your way to help people, and at the expense should it continue, are tested to see whether its something you really care about and well versed on concepts you have been taught, or whether you are over-extending yourself into matters for political purposes in life just to be on the right team in life and not defend OJ, Im not an avoidant person, Im pretty straightforward in my language, how I think, and always manage to say the right thing in a natural way, not conclusive about anyone or anything trying to arriving to a solution in life, that’s called “being in the solution.” Maybe terminology not everyone is familiar with your odds for f-king up in life decreasing so long as you are doing everything right in life, which has included staying home, going to sleep at 8 every night, and staying in my room as my Dad shouted at me 2017, not to run at night, which was when they were filming a scary movie next door, I ran through set the sidewalked blocked, in the bright lights. That’s not me being provocative or inconsiderate of any profession I have supported since the beginning of my term blogging online 2013, and its only been made to be a serious endeavor 2020 (8 years later) when a value and ranking were placed on my website compared to all other websites online, and information centers available in the world by comparison, Im sure my website is very personal, and very traumatic, had I not been bipolar, I probably would have thought I was right more times than wrong, then where would I be, probably too confident, and put down the same in life, seems to always happen that way, the better off you are, the more you have to lose, the less you have the more you have gain, and the further away from the issues you venture, not of your own making, the longer it takes to get back to where you were: confident or happy for that matter. So Im sorry I was punished, that was probably everyones disagreement, with me having posted flyers, and probably for a campaign not affecting this state specifically, and with a risky subject matter chosen as course for alleviating whatever blames were boiling beneathe the surface but things no one ever thought to say out loud, like maybe that was the problem, you don’t really blame things going well, no wonder why so many dramatic changes took place in terms of our access to resources, when its time to slow down and when its time to speed up: book stores are back, means we are doing a good job, have time to relax, that’s not “cushion for the pushin” so to speak, that means the same odds are against you as a public speaker: (1) don’t offend anyone (2) you are only allowed to be helpless once (3) you have to restate recant or remove anything that’s not working in your mind about things probably wont work for someone else hearing from you (4) inform who you support of any changes being made in your life, and not subject them to similar attacks as though they are meant for everything related: mental health issues we can get covered minus all the over-usage of terms relating to “violence” where nothing need be stated, that hasn’t already suffered such as: music, and film, yes it was a job worth taking, they were victims. That doesn’t mean that if I help someone that I have guilt, there is no such thing as cover ups in life, when your up your up, if your down your down, and if you don’t report in you get lost, and if you cant speak no one speaks for you, and when you end up in jail you either stay there or you write an attorneys phone number on your arm so someone can get you out, that means the harm has already happened, and if you don’t know what harm was caused, means that you are someone who is not trusted or who is being put to blame for someone elses feelings in life disorientations or punished for speaking to subjects too large for your mind to grasp what graver risks are at stake for mentioning your viewpoints, without having the resume that supports your understanding of life in that way to which others can appreciate your opinion so stick to what your good at, so that’s an IMDb you may pass go and we will collect $200, basically, thank you. I always believe in the arts, because they are purveyors of feelings and masters at story-telling, they can make you cry, be scared, can cram a whole life into two hours in a memorable way, explain a generation of differences of opinion, and in a way that’s still funny now like a blue car in the move: Office Space, with a license plate I just noticed, if its been seen its been covered by them and then some, so there is no need to wonder why everyone that things are about are low key and why people who are representing everyone who things were made to be about referenced to characteristically are shining, they are shining for us it is their job to do so. I have auditioned once before for a “cereal commercial” in the “Henry Radio” building on Bundy, which we were later told I was not ready for, I don’t think performing was meant for someone like me, maybe not bright or mature enough for it, so don’t let one audition make or break you in life, you will apply to many jobs, you may have many short term jobs until you find the right job, and you may care about a lot of crazy things in life, but whats more important is to care about those who officially care like the US Navy, who Im sure blocked me at one point because I grew up on a street off of Bristol, 200 N. Rockingham, featured in the movie: Sideways I was told, in the background. So no never that famous, and Im sure whatever pride my family did have, as having a normal life, has been tainted by me becoming known and the opposite to have come true for me, that’s not leadership, that’s someone to pick on in life because I react, that’s not flipping out, that’s trying to “hold center” (for all the ballerina analogies thought to ever be remotely related to me or what I look like or what others look like, we were never compared, only told to be more like eachother, not different, and that’s why me and my best friends, all separated and became popularly independently of one another). I never want to be in a place in life where theyre not sure whether to respond or cant respond, means things are either not going well for me, or for them, and need to make things better for a start: here, before reaching out communication wise to anyone, in the middle of a down, that much they should be able to rise above in life, you either listen, and take the lead of your friends who are doing well, or you try to live life alone and focus on your studies and that was the biggest mistake of my life. Had I known that microscopic elements of any piece of my identity were ever used to uplift others from the ashes of “Rockingham Ave” as though it was a “sad home” or of “trees falling” we actually had trees with these pieces in brown that you could remove and let into the air and were little brown flakes. Unique, the Fikah trees were put on Wilshire, redesigned by Barack Obama with stimulus funds.
My Reverend’s company logo was a hand, we met at Interfaith March, I contacted her. Need work toward going back to work, thats something you dont need to explain to anyone, if you get the job, that means your doing well if you dont get the job, that means there is something wrong with you, so dont become a difficult decision, because you being faced with any pressures in life unrealted to acceptances by them, it is once you dont feel good, that you will not be considered or feel like the right choice for being hired. So dont overthink, remember HIPAA, let everyone feel smart, let them know when you feel hurt, and do your best to move forward, describing how you were hurt, only makes things worse not better, why to ask for help and block, if your feelings get hurt, then becomes a decision you made where someone else feelings were more important, but what happens if you get sick who can help you then, no one, so maybe its better for someone to consult a doctor or a professional, who is prepared for advances and experimentation in life, you shouldnt need to try that hard, no one actually needs sex that bad, or needs to see you body to have sex in life, there are so mnay willing bodies on earth who are comfortable with themselves, thats so degrading, thats not pride, thats ruining someones life, to make them seem like they were ever that way toward anyone in their life, I have never come on to anyone in my life, I get hit on, and it either works out, and they move on, or I focus on school and career, I only have one body and one face and one brain, so as important as anyones jokes seem to be, to present a smarter take about things that communicates that I "did something to myself" explains how a story about something I was told by an ex, got reversed by someone new, who also sees me to be mentally ill, well in the photos I was perfectly normal, way to ruin a happy spirit, not that my life was extra important anyways, its been 5 months, and talking about embarrassment, only causes me more mental health issues, so please stop checking on me, stop hurting me, stop threatening me, dont blame me for your smarts, if you are at peace, means I need to be alone, I cannot make anyones life better on an individual basis if I am not accepted by everyone, to me that was peace, so Im not sure what making me look late, or an outsider to everyones humor is supposed to feel like, but I dont feel apart of anything going good for me, and Im sure no one feels good hearing from someone who was hard on themsleves, because even after 5 months, still does not feel like how they were when they were proud of themsleves, means that I will have to set new goals, not call anything a "dream" and not have any relationship goals, family goals, not buy any pets, stay home, work if I can stay well, and not complain, be happy and stay well I have worked hard enough, so that was my best, everything now is not helpful talking about your problems to explain a problem as though everything is relatable or esxcusable, never dating for the rest of my life, and will not message anyone for the rest of my life until I am well again, and only report to anyone in emegency and get stable on a daily basis, not run the risk of not being helpful in life. Thinking about not blogging for the time being and work on staying healthy, if its not a posiitve outlet to me, it will not be viewed in the posiitve to anyone else.
Thank you for your understanding, witnessing my best, my worst, and I hope I was able to help when I could. Hope everyone has a good day, not complicate my life when things are going well, stay positive. #livelife Everything I worked on all night and this morning thinking, Im doing okay now, sometimes talking through things helps you to realize that you are able to feel better when you do not convince yourself that things are as bad as they are, and don't appreciate when things are good, not to allow for people to have a problem with you, if they have found peace, and understand they responded poorly to you, don't complain, be at peace, that means you are not fit to bond with anyone, not if someone is trying to destroy you, thats not a series of feelings you get used to ever, everyone on eggshells, you not doing okay, then everyone not made to feel better by you, that others being well without you, thats uncertainty on both ends, or requires more patience to get through illness even if you don't have photos and writings to prove yourself capable of appearing well, sometimes what we think or by what we hear, are made to worry often times when people hurt you its because they think you are strong or don't become mentally ill, well if anyone knows how the mind works its someone who thinks that they have the power to control your smarts and that: trust, #belovingtowhotrustsyou accept things as they are, and if you become difficult to care for on your own it will be difficult for anyone to later accept you as recovered giving up hurts everyone, thats not faith lost, thats everyone being okay and made to worry by a feeling your having or a fear, no one gets worried by until they are made not to trust you, and thats letting people down, different time periods, require more smarts, less complaining especially if everyone is getting to know eachother, the more you appreciate the less hard others are on you, so if blogging is not a career choice, I am so thankful that I was given 8 years to see how money can be made online, even they were just estimates and alexa rankings, it made me feel good, earned overtime, if I showed you how long it took to get somewhere in life, that must mean it requires the same quality, because they minute your off, thats necessary uncertainty for anyone new or who has known you, to become concerned for anyone who does not know how to take care of themselves be smart. Acknowledge that I do my best to stay well, and if that means others are doing well in life, thats because of how they think its not a person you meet or a school you attend or a club, thats being at peace, it rare, so no thats not fake happy people smiling through it all, thats them being positive in life, no one causes a bad feeling in someone who does not value someone who is happy, so I never wanted social media to be a place where anyone gets preyed upon, something to be avoided, so even if Im not an influencer, thats not to say that I am not okay that someone who was successful and happy is no longer here, no one deserves that in life, so it doesn't matter if Im a blogger, and thats not why it was brought up, its because people were hard on me when I was not 100%, and thats why I was running sprints running everyday when everyone felt spent, that means it smy job to not hurt people who did care and figure out how to help them live free of confusion resulting from people having mixed feelings about eachother, thats not as important to understand about ones face or health, as being notified that someone who was a public figure was attacked, so my experinces in life have nothing to do with anyone or any experience I have had in life, I talk to a detective, I take meds, so thats not being able to sleep at night, so everyone please be careful there is no code to stick to or code that gets attacked in life, that makes people more or less susceptible to standing out in a bad way. So now is a good time to think about what can be done to prevent a loss on social media, and how to protect ourselves from harm, why Im home, thats not a rejection of the people, its that people don't feel safe when Im out at night, why I stay home. #bekind Removed Posts: http://www.mymollydoll.com/removed-posts Keep in mind, I don't have an associated press membership, so technically not supported in that way by anyone who feels scared or not well especially if I don't feel good, so thats talking about things not having to do with what was going well for you, or what is helping others, to talk about something in the news is then subjecting me to having an opinion about a loss, not connected to me, until I discuss something then I am made to be thought about with regards to a loss mentioned by me, so thats not a situation that I can professionally managed causes for a loss, I am not immediately directed by, until I mention a loss, am I thought of with regards to a loss, and that doesn't help me or anyone feel safe, explains one example of being careful about what you talk about and how you are made to feel talking about something you have not studied or specialized in how something bad happens to you or others, reassurances are provided through reporting not by a person who sees the same news as you, I don't think anyone knows enough about life to be an expert on losses, always be respectful, life is not a crime show, nothing is a game, and no one wants to be involved in any thinking that causes you or others harm, so thats not being a positive outlet in life, which means if you are made to feel sick so will others be made to feel sick too, its by how you are you get treated in life, so don't talk about things you are not strong enough to talk about. Confidence is not being affected by anyone, when you allow people to affect you no one really pays attention to you unless you have something important to say or helpful, its easy for my audience to tell whether Im doing well or not, I take meds, so if Im off one day, it could be because, things cannot be better if I don't listen and stop blogging, thats said to you, with regards to those who are taking care of you, listen more, not only is what your doing in life not deemed to be working for you, its not working for someone who wants you to do other things in life, so its not that I don't care not a positive person, its when you are made to talk about yourself or your feelings that when things are good, you make yourself not feel good, so just block and skip inbox, whether or not anyone has the power to sue you, hurt you, whatever the causes for your mental illness, means you threatened someone else feelings who was cool with you, its only if you are tough with people, they scare you back, like my ex. Be patient, he told me to delete my blog, so if its not thought of as a job, then I have no purpose being somewhere online, that not one sees of value anyways, my mom told me not to believe my stats, she was right. We are here to defend the land, because you cant, thank you to who moved here, means back off subjects more. If respect is important to me, and if I cant photo and write and earn respect, means its not because of what I look like, its that others don't think Im doing well enough in life, I tried to be open and be in the positive and did my best to explain whatever battles were suffered, so when people start doing well means don't mention them, Im sorry. Theres nothing funny about trying hard in life, or trying to stay well, know your limits in life, it shouldn’t matter to anyone, exactly for how long you plan on being strong for, exactly when you get sick, why you ever feel sick, what has caused you sickness, and what will make you sick now, who is supposed to know that much about themselves anyways. I think its important for others to know how capable you are, how smart you are, and its always to the benefit of others that you are honest, lifes not a team sport, unless everyone has tried to coordinate your care to help you, if you don’t seem there, or not like yourself, that’s not your fault, that’s not anyones fault, try to stay on a schedule, staying up and thinking about life, alone time, is not an acceptable form of recovery, when no one knows where you are, no one knows what your doing, or why you are alone at night, and it doesn’t matter what your doing thinking, writing, working, it means stay home, its not normal to function or be high functioning alone, that looks like your not doing anything important with your life, means work on your computer, whatever is keeping you busy, may keep you going in life but there has got to be a more professional way of writing a book, we understand your need for control, but if you were robbed then everything you were working on if not backed up is in the phone, that you no longer have, so yes if in your possession means you know where something of value is at all times, but that’s not the smartest solution, to managing your work, a computer is just as efficient, left at home, always back up everything important to you, especially when it matters, and if you don’t know whats important to you, preserve what you have managed to save and its okay to put the rest in storage, that’s not a job that’s busy work, and it may be of value to you, but unless you are well, looks like a lot of paper, and you don’t need to print everything, that’s not perfecting your work skills, so I was never completely doing nothing in life, and I have some experiencing saving whats important to me in the event of a loss, keep track of what I am working on, and how to remember what it is Im working on, why my Instagram looks fun, and was assembled in many squares at a time, and no that wasn’t me being intense, that was sharing in a fun way, and sharing in a more intense way now, doesn’t make me sound smarter, and when talking cannot fix your problems that means see a doctor, everyone goes through their own circus of emotions, and usually if you say the right things or think the right things if things can be made to feel better, and if talking in writing is not making you feel good, that’s you body telling you that you don’t feel like writing, so talking yourself through your problems is okay for the iterim its not in a state of nervousness, its like having a conversation with someone you know, and actually being in sync with what they are saying, sometimes if you don’t appear to be a happy person, then no one wants to make you feel bad, about what you don’t understand in life, that will always be the part of you longing to be in sync with others, that’s people who are doing well in life, you see them you know them, but you would never talk about your problems with them, like any gathering only speak in the positive about self and others, work is work, talk about something that is normal, no one wants to know about how you got hurt and made to look stupid, not everyone knows you to be someone who is stupid, if everyone thought you were professional doing your best no one cares if you aren’t making any money, or aren’t social right now, capable of making friends in public out alone, that’s going from feeling good to not feeling good, everyone is different, so you will be affected by a lot of things in life, but if you don’t feel good, whatever you do don’t disappoint others, always be nice, and never take anyones humor to heart, its about them not feeling good, and nothing to do with how you are, you are not the piece of them missing, sometimes we perfect others or ourselves, but its not the solution for understanding wellness and how to help people go by what they look like or sound like, I look like Im lost, or haven’t been hurt, I have a lot to say wrote many posts this year and submitted a copyright, so always assume that people have a lot going on, and even if its unnecessary to share, at least you let them know that you do think things through, you are aware of how others are feeling, you recognize when you don’t look well, and you get that others may view you to have problems intellectually or behavioral health wise, and not see you as a victim, that’s some being strong, that not them being mean, that them knowing better, and you being aloof, which is a tell tale sign, of not being prepared in life if you are not already happy exactly just the way you are, those are your neighbors, they have been through life so many times, that they never waste a minute worrying unless you let them down, then you are responsible for making sure to stay on good terms with people who never had a problem with you, who may later come to resent you, seeing you as not helping a situation, ro being the cause for any disillusionment faced by whoever has lived in your home before you, so that’s not the sober living home across the street, that’s your inability to make eye contact, stay put, be stable, and so long as you don’t have life figured out, no one can help you, and the more friends you have in life, the more promiscuous you seem, that’s not a normal life, you don’t need hugs, you deserve better, you are not a bad person, they are not pretending to be bad with you, b ut if you talk about your experiences with someone you love, who has a job, trust them when they suggest that you go to a seminar for career development, that to help you improve yourself, so that you can work, that’s working and them being proud, and when you are not working, wanting you to “think bigger,” you didn’t need to buy a bunch of books, that encouraging you to be more centered, thatw as someone who wanted to live with me who I was comfortable with you wanted to rent my home with his brother, but because no one knew him, and didn’t know he was a really nice guy, thought that he wasn’t worth it, he actually loves me, and didn’t give me any adderral for my work assignment in the valley with an attorney who messaged me on Linkedin, the job everyone wasn’t sure if I actually worked, he wanted me to work on a case I didn’t know enough about divorce, and assets, etc to write a motion, usually I was given an assignment, I would have to research, and write a professional motion with no prior experience putting together something in writing for review and payment hourly, I wanted a challenging job, I don’t know why I was so scattered, he supervises a professional paralegal who fills out forms for clients, I actually don’t know how to fill out forms, but I always report if something is not working out and if I get sick, so that the person who loved me is not affected by my issues, that not suing someone, that’s separating and letting the courts know that you should not be together, because I relapsed, or I got sick, and Im getting attacked like Im having sex with random people, and not well enough to be loving toward someone who doesn’t have a problem with me, and actually has friends, I wanted to date someone normal, but I guess I am not strong enough to be social, mingle, drink, or relapse, that’s exactly how you go from smart to not smart, totally unnecessary, and that burst of energy talking is you losing an ability in life you don’t recognize you have which is not made to be stronger or better by what you have asked for, why not to relapse, if youre feeling good means that you don’t need anything to feel good, so that was my mistake, you always need your brain, that’s what people like about you is that your talkative and have nice things to say about life, you are never that bad, and life is never that difficult, that being less smart will make anything better for you in the long run, that affects all trusts, and capabilities in life so don’t go on punishing yourself, just be honest, or go to the hospital, that’s hitting on you 5 times before you know he likes you and ready to like someone back again, and by then its too late, things get worse on your own, not better, when you don’t pay attention to everyone when everything is okay, that’s being viewed as too serious, in life, and no one wants to see that in public, everyone is smart, and no one writes that much, take you headphones off and stop offending the DJ, don’t write anything drinking its not smart important or thoughtful, and that’s everyone knowing you, its actually a slow process of being watched, and then not feeling good, and by the time you don’t feel good in public, that’s something they cannot fix, and especially not drinking, means you are not okay, and its not because anyone is not okay with you, its because you don’t feel good somewhere you were never made to not feel safe, that means you don’t belong, so don’t go back. Sober 2 years. Sorry for the drama, appreciate those I met out, but that’s not the solution to missing out in life being around people with lives they cant help you either if you become sick, that’s not what being social is about, your either well, and can afford to drink, or don’t go out at all, not cool. Anyways, sorry.
Afterthought: No they dont know your connected to someone famous, you just have mental health issues and you should not be drinking, in public, or in private, don't go back, however they did appreciate the apology, thats being respectful not get sick in public or be treated as sick in public, because you look well, or need help going through something difficult a breakup, so thats: ex is mad at you and you are not doing anything wrong, to now ex is mad at you and youre wrong, and thats why it doesnt work out, you can drive to yorba linda for a hug next time, everyone is gentle on the inside, you dont need to be nice to people for them to be okay with you, you actually lose power, and esteem. I actually launched a website good, write from home, you dont need our approvals #begood. - "Thats all in your head" everyone knows me now everyone hates me, dont let that happen to yourself in life give people a reason not to trust you or be disappointed in you, what may feel like a smart move on their part is not doing you any favors in life, to look easy, like you can just smile and be proud again, thats them feeling good, and you not feeling good, and when they have support and you are sick, means that you were that way when you met, no he wasnt that way when we met, he was tough then nice, then what causes the length of time to feel good good again why does that take so long, its when you are made to feel lost, or not confident about what you know, losing confidence to anyone who thinks theyre doing you any favors in life or for anyone else, Im a woman, I respect your confidence, please also respect my confidence, never going out for the rest of my life, never dating for the rest of my life, I dont need any friends, I dont need alcohol, or drugs ever again for the rest of my life, not getting married and no kids, not until I figure out why it took me so long to get back to smart, and what was the cause of me not being a strong law student when I was getting As, had one difficult semester Ive never not done every assignment participated in all discussion forums, thats the real world, you can be totally fine and put together at home, but that doesnt mean you are strong enough and will stay put together working somewhere else in life, with the only thing of value to you, your computer, you cant replace me or any work Ive completed, what was going well for me, maybe was something connected to me, those are documents, not things. That was 2013, after leaving the US Supreme Court, thats not their responsibility to make you special. When things are well, and people are not okay with you, maybe that just means they want to know what your up to in life, the more you keep to yourself, the more you seem as though you are being secretive and no one wants to be apart of anyones work ethic that hasnt been commmunictaed to the courts, I see that now, there is not place you can go in life and be treated as important if you are not normal, if you dont seem at ease happy, you will be considered to have problems that no one can help you with, so dont look "shady," and the police are not a cab company, that wasnt an arrest I called them because I didnt have money for a cab, they drove me home. Sorry. You should not need moments of doubt in life or interactions with people for you to know your limits in life, and if you have never been made to look stupid before in your whole life, then talking about an incident that you later identify as being an experince that made you look stupid, will not make you feel good now discussing out loud, thats your #righttoprivacy, your own defects of characters nothing to do with anyone else's smarts, be okay with yourself, and if someone is okay with you now and you have two people of the same name in your phone, one from IOP (with disability), and one from the bar, whoever replies and is nice to you is probably not the person who made you feel stupid nor the cause for your disabilties in life, if you have to question it, means that its not okay for you to be intimate with anyone, and if you dont feel smart, means its not okay for you to drink, and if you think that you are able enough to be experimental with your health, thats no ones fault but your own for thinking you were smart enough to be social, to date, or to drink, if being you was difficult already, drinking or being social will not be the solution to your problems of finishing law school applying to a new school and moving forwward in life, and especially not appropriate to talk about your experinces in life, its not normal to hook up, appreciate moments when people like you, its when you get sick no one likes you, and you seem like a problem, or put together as though you do people wrong in life who are good, and not a good person yourself, thats not being stable enough to have moved forward, thats confident enough to not allow someone to make you feel like your subjecting yourself to harm, and thats being strong, not thinking too much about life as it happens, and to not let life happen to you, so long as you are not smart or dont make others feel good, thats how ment hink appropriate to hurt you as though you ever intended to ever make anyone feel rejected by you simply because you couldnt stay well enough for their demans in life, thats not because of talking to the wrong people you get done in the wrong, thats if no one thinks you deserve to do well in life, and thinks that they have it harder in life thinks that you havent experienced enough life to understand when you do have it well not ever having been compassionate toward those who were made to feel good by you who later didnt need you, if all you wanted to know was whether I was damaged good or not, you should not need to see me stupid to recognize your smart and on track, getting to know someone in life is a special experience, dont ruin it for everyone else who wanted to get to know someone in the positive, who respected them and saw them as normal, that doesnt make me feel good, I would never ignore or set limits or stop talking to anyone on the basis of what they looked like, its when I recognize that something is off, it may have nothing to do with how someone else is feeling, but they will have wanted to know what you were like through all phases of your coming to be, and see whether they have the power to destroy all possibilities for you moving forward in life, it took 5 months to talk to someone new, and by then Ive been through too much, not an actress, so maybe that was unique to see someone light up, maybe thats because I allowed someone to love me when I didnt need that much love to feel good anyways, thank you, but I need to figure out life for myself, and appearing nice and then being trashed at all hours of the night on meds, doesnt tell a story as it was meant to be told, make happen in public how things ever were in the past, no one has ever been that experimental with me or ever treated me as not being good enough, thats 8 years of discipline in recovery not dating, to know that even if you are someone to be loved, if you dont stay well, thats how you get f-ked over in life, like you ever did anyone wrong in life, Im a human being, Im not an actress, so Im living for me, and I improved in spite of any taunting, and that was more reminder of anyone knowledge of events than me and Lebron and California combined needed, as though we havent all done our part to be stable and well, its me put together because everyone around me is put together, so destroying my sense of peace, may feel deserve din the moment, but taking away my ability to be loved or respected permanently is not deserved for the hours and all the times spent replying to someone, who I was never well enough for, and once I recovered, treated me as though I forgot how I got sick, I dont need help in life, I talk to the police, please dont hurt me, and dont hurt me in public, I hjave not done anyone wrong in life, rebelled, or been the cause of any spread of disaease, if someone is not well with you, or gets harmed elsewhere that doesnt mean one is a traitor or careless or connects to the wrong teams in life, that doesnt mean destroy me, it just means not to talk to anyone, I work hard, I dont have any money, I just got better, I barely graduated, I just bought new clothes, and like everything you earn and lose in life nothing can make things better for you in life, if you give up, not people things clothes or getting a look down. Everyone is smart no one is stupid, and we all try to think normal, but trust if I have been harmed thats not me being hurt like I deserve it that doesnt also give just anyone the permssion to hurt me more, like I can handle not doing anything in life, learn when to stop, I had to work harder, lose 30lbs, and this discussion doesn't make anything better, its only makes things worse, I said I was sorry, I don't have a phone, I don't talk to anyone, so stop making things about wellness, money and status, I have no connections that was me at my best staying positive for everyone, no one becomes famous by photo, thats how you offend others they lose respect for you and you look stupid, sex is so unimportant so is love, whats more important is your health and what people think of you there is always time to get jobs, make money, have friends, or meet new people, no need to be street with me. #besmart No one is high enough in any ranks in life to be immune from defamation and permanent damage to my reputation what others think or feel looking at me, and seeing me as less then, no book writing, or job, can undo that harm, all the progress I made doing everything right in life, lost, that’s being put down in life, because I allowed someone to hurt my life made good again, whats that for that’s not deserved and who are you acting on or behalf of, as though my stomach issues have anything to do with you, I go through a lot mental health wise, used to projectile vomit foam, my throat blew up into a ball and you don’t hear me complaining or blaming anyone for not feeling well, or crying on the bathroom floor hitting my head bleeding, encouraged to apply for a job, told that being sued is not a big deal, notified that I was being dramatic. So excuse me for a moment of weakness when I needed encouragement, never did I think for a minute when I did not need help from anyone and well on my way to getting likes and being 100% accepted as someone easy to know, did my life take a turn for the worst, and so will history have it lives were lost and put in harms way, that’s not only being declared a loser etc, but purposeful to result in a risk of loss to your own life caused by embarrassment, size you up in life to amount to nothing, so much public support that I did not need, nice, but not something I shunned as that would be insulting, if I am made to feel sick, that’s because he was not the President and someone else, nothing to do with your face so don’t publish a bunch of rotten photos of me online and subject me to jail or institution and then say you were overreacting, I never looked better than anyone, and yes everyone will always be doing better than me in life, Ive never been competitive with women my whole life, nor have I ever excluded anyone, who was ever down and out, or didn’t have many friends, at odds with anyone in life, Ive never made anyone feel different, I accept all people, and I don’t need connections, I don’t need money, and I don’t need help getting into schools or getting a job, be given courtesies in life or benefits of doubts based upon who I know as though that’s to explain whatever later behavior transpired as being an experience to cause me to speak on behalf of others who willingly had sex in a way publishable, in a format created professionally by someone for sale, money paid for its keeping, that was then, I defended them every step of my way in life, have never bothered them, nor ever influenced them to think of themselves as any less, and if you think its funny to treat me as wealthy or popular Im not, so who are you teaching a lesson to in life that I have not already learned on my own. And if you don’t believe me then Im applying for basic training and going off all my medications and run like Im in rehab at dana pointe everyday, what I was told basic training is like, you run a lot. So don’t accuse me of being a fraud, I went to law school and combined with every other mental health issue I later came to suffer as a result of drinking or misunderstanding distance to me, made that my focus in life instead school, and even if finishing law school was my dream, losing $7000 and made to take photos nude demanded from me, will not cause me suicide, but it does create a permanent image of me that cannot be removed from the minds of others, something grose, not in a respectful way published about someone who has suffered enough on meds, abiding by every treatment of me, never standing up for myself, listening, and accepting others the way they are. So be strong for what, its for me, because I was made to slam my head into a door, that’s having come so far in life, then someone making me out to be some sexual offender, as though that’s not what is basic to acceptances from a man for love, attraction to see what you look like, no nudity is required, you can go online a find a professional who is not known by mind, face, and name online, so everywhere I go people look at me like a reason to “dethrown USA,” that’s not my fault that I was made to pose nude, I was not well known respected 2015 October 31 by hook-up Marchello, known well enough to have been “spied” on or be treated as a disappointment to anyone looking through my photos or records and claim that I was ever performing to a private audience or in an offensive was performing to a private audience in my phone, by photos deleted not sent, that’s treating me like every form of saving my life, was not done so in a safe record-keeping way, every photo beautiful even a cell phone stolen living in Westwood (and tires popped not by me, car in the garage in westwood gated), -bathing suit photos, then my body changed in Santa Monica (stocky) (and my first Porsche backup hard drive went missing stored in my desk it was silver with all my Twitter posts from 2013 everything saved and dated), so excuse me for not ever being alarmed and simply doing my best to keep my body in shape, why is that important to anyone anyways what I look like that’s not my fault, what happens to the bodies of others, not if my head is big and my body petitie, means that I studied hard, and took good care of myself, no matter what breakups I went through lost weight the right way, so rearrange my face, and change my body all you want, but its not okay to trash me by photo, or after all I have been through control me and treat me was stupid as though I did not grow up with learning disability myself and never took medications for it until college, that’s defamation, your heart breaks and you try harder in life, still your positive self, but not social, studying for 5 hours a day in cubicles, that’s not being a political figure in school and that’s not being a problem to others, or trying to make myself well known, in a town where a princess was already well known to have passed: a princess. So yes that was a job, that was on internships.com the website I used to get jobs from, who actually interviewed and hired me, usually on other websites none reply, probably not good enough as an applicant with enough work experience, and once said maybe it was because I don’t speak Spanish, that’s not racism. I understand now that everything as it looks is a make it or break it moment for others, and gets used as a justified caused for attacking me, as though I have the energy to fight with people who don’t like me, if you don’t like me and I don’t represent you or your cares in the world, then its not necessary for anyone to read my website for that matter, its only for the purposes of not allowing harms to continue where something can be said, that can help others to make better sense respect wise for us: and what “Freedom of Assembly” is for, even if it takes us (2009-2020) to finally get things down, and trust whos up top, rather than treat anyone without work experience credible to be considered the voice of reason to whom at this point, whoever is attacking me, who no longer is, that took 5 months of hard work to get back to smart again, there is no tunnel labeled for you in life to exit a fight that’s being made to be about you, those are beliefs held to be about you you cant change, so don’t punish me in anyones good name in life not even your own, my life was not worth trashing online, and no ones life was worth trashing online, who did not symbolize what it means to be a girl/or a woman in todays day in age, if youre a man, then we are not for your experiment, not by the time we are all getting along and made to feel safe again, don’t treat me like a traitor, and don’t put me down in life to serve as an example of another book published by someone more famous to me, “to not take things personally,” a book recommended by Bauer in one of my more lost moments in life, bought, an editor later contacting me on Twitter offering to edit for me, if I could afford the fee, I paid some. The money I received from the government was to go toward book writing, pay for my website update and move, and for editing fees to publish and be distributed become known in mainstream media a professional Author, how dare you hurt my ability to earn a wage in life, creating a job for myself, because you think things are about you, what about President Trump, who probably needed light and messages more than anyone who ever though I was something created in evil, a mistake, or some bastard of a child, if I was born, I was born, and meant to be here, who made you the purveyor of human beings for duplication, Im not Eminem. Leave me alone! Don’t destroy myself, don’t teach me a lesson, don’t situate me to get me to talk about how other people see the world, and treat me like I don’t understand what the public is like, very loving, not mean at all, never in my life, and why start now. That’s being “nude” treated like a homewrecker, well do you want to take this to Texas, I will call right now, I tried calling your DA but the line was busy, so figure that much out in life, and don’t call me a “schizoid” and hang me from a tree in life, like I haven’t served my country long enough or worked hard enough to shelter anyone from feeling like the world is coming to an end, its not, that’s just when leadership is taking a back seat in observance to see how we are dealing with our issues, and what can be handled on an individual basis and not out loud, then take the rest of my edd.gov $6000 and he declined, still emailing me. I don’t have this persons name so I cannot take this person to court, never again in my life make a “no means no joke” about me or my company or identity, why I was slamming my head into the door repeatedly 5 months later, but that harm cannot be done, being treated like an offender by showing my body half nude, and those are people who will never be forgiving of you, those who have lost respect for you, or those who feel harmed by you. So not its not okay to hurt me, set me up to be some Stormy Daniels joke, like I wasn’t assigned to work for a film company to which she was a client, an obvious conflict of interest, don’t treat me as trying to be famous, that’s not how you become famous, and certainly by not putting me jail in front of 17 million people does that make you a hero or apart of any of my success in life here forward, that’s not how to help someone, that how people get lost and burn out in life, that’s unnecessary fighting, just as you cannot be perfected by anything I have to say, nothing that you have done to me on Facebook can take back the times I have been punching my head and slamming my head into doors, when respect of me was lost, you don’t know what I looked liked, what I went through, in order to be pretty again, you don’t know the half of it. So don’t make a mymollydollfan.com website, and make jokes about me, and treat me like a shame or mentally ill, and put me on mental health hashtags making fun of me, youre not my doctor, I don’t have to respond to you, you did not care about me, you did not love me, and I am doing everything in my power to take you to court, even if it means sending every email to a detective and the US Supreme Court for review, among those who were harmed, when I was made to look stupid, money to meet Leonardo Dicaprio, and talked to Joaquin Phoenix, that’s being nice to people, that has nothing to do with sex and love, and if Im not into someone who is not 100% into me, that means that its not a match, so when someone becomes disinterested in you, and you start talking to someone else, that’s them not needing you, so don’t treat me as the problem, its your problem with me, is the reason Im not going anywhere in life, then take all the money what the F do I care, and leave me the F alone. I don’t want a fan site. I don’t want to be famous, and I audition for NBC’s “The Voice” I can choose another career don’t put me down in life and treat me as a cheater, if theyre not into me theyre into someone else, and that’s why Im not married, so leave things alone, and stop criticizing my humanity, or cause me to talk ab out anything you think is the “kernel: secret” something not said that equals “or amounts to everything later said, as though that’s a special effect in writing, to know something and then apply everything that has been written to mean about without saying then analyze every word to see if its trying to secret a meaning only known to a few, I write as clear as possible, theres no beauty intended in that. That’s being professional. So don’t treat me as a “starfucker” or wannabe in life, who gets f-ked or does others wrong as though I know who famous people are in college or what their story is beyond what is published about them in permanent form by film, movie, or song, recognize any patterns, Im sure just by looking at me, taking life seriously, one wonder what Im like having fun, if I wanted to drink and snort an 8 ball of cocaine I would a lose all my smarts be hearing voices, and numb in bed, crying upon wakening up, windows sealed shut by the steam heaters, not able to move when I wake up, and be made fun of for it by Whoopi Goldberg, who described having a life changing experience using similar to my own experience with cocaine addiction, immobile, disconnected, no friends, in my room, asleep all day, not going to class, not functioning, that’s addiction: not being able to perform and not knowing what things are not going right for you in life, that’s you giving up on yourself, that’s not because of friends or lovers, that means no one loves you, no one stays, and your not presentable enough to sit in a club booth to a club that was taken over by someone I was dating who I saw upon walking in standing there, left home on weekend in my bed crying. So when is your life like “Truman Show” the minute you have no one, do you become mentally ill, do you get paranoid, do you get love, do you scare others, are you inappropriate, probably, why Joaquin Phoenix was filmed walking into the back of a bar, I took photos on my computer in at the bar over their fire place, and now I look old, and now my face is not tight, and now I don’t shine, and now no one thinks Im pretty, and now my body is trashed, where to go from here, well if the worst hasn’t happened yet, not make things worse for me or others, trying to prove like I was ever a good example in life of someone who took good care of themselves no matter who stayed.
#stopsuicide (Dont worry everything important has been forwarded to the US Supreme Court, and not subject myself to being in the wrong ever again in life, not connect with anyone, no dating no friends, stay home). www.mymollydoll.com/removed-posts/in-a-help-or-get-hurt-world I don't get away with anything in life, and someone doing me wrong in life, doesnt do anything to help me. No one can keep you out of harms way by putting you in harms way, thats knowing you, and by how they feel after knowing you even if it online, attacking you like youre "done," or havent waited been good, thats letting someone who you come to trust on a social level talking to, who makes an executive decision to see if you die suicidal, and thats too much power to give to any one person, who does not need to cover for me, or hold any secrets for me, I dont need any favors in life, and Im sorry if when well that was enough for someone to accept me, not push me over any edges in like Im a burn out a failure or the cause for any bad luck suffered by anyone, I keep to myself and will continue to keep to myself, Im sorry for ever being well enough for love and Im tired of being punished in life thats not doing anyone any favors in life, thats the police's job, the courts job, to punish people, not your job, if there was ever anything wrong with me, I dont force myself to connect with anyone Im not well enough to connect with, and if I am made to connect past the point of feeling sick or tired, whereever that disappintment is coming from, you dont need to finish me off, if Im not going up, I will NEVER be famous, and that was NEVER my goal. Once a judgment of you has been passed seems to be a free pass in life for others all except for you, to see the issues presented, that’s them being done with you, having moved on in life, trust that process, where you may feel lost, has possibly been a place in life already revisited and thought about someone who’s life was directly impacted, and she was told by her therapist that she had an eating disorder because she was skinny played volleyball all the guys like her, including my crushes, because she ate small bowls of iceberg lettuce salads with Taiko dressing they eventually sold. Its you that needs to believe in yourself, when you are insecure and don’t present yourself in the best way possible, that’s others not seeing the beauty in you it doesn’t matter how hard you work some not willing to move forward. If you can make things better, do so, and leave it at that.
The best friend that got on her knees and cried, then read Johnny Cochrans website, called all her friends, hung red hot chili pepper lights from her balcony, that was it, minus me describing running down Santa Monica Blvd in my brown trench coat by Theory, drawing on paper napkins, and Im not sure but think I saw a retired US Supreme Court Justice playing billiards, with a wrist band, her face looked familiar, but I don't know where from. = #usnavy (2009). Sincerely, Leslie Fischman About My Name: Writer for mymollydoll.com working on her copyright, while applying for jobs. A moment of silence for our beautiful night sky, a perfect dome of scattered clouds the type of reaction from earth that reminds us of how things were, no matter the turn of events, we created that reaction above, its in response to us, maybe not directly reflecting how hard everyone has worked to be here, stay here, and make here happen, its your time on earth, so spend your time wisely, no key sky key lighting bolt required, the times are dark, but not as dark as you think. Whats the main lesson? Whos important to you? Are your feelings more important to you than the stability of others, and that’s when selflessless comes into play, and when selfishness is dishonored as a viable attribute of anyone in any recommended leadership positions in life, whos usually untouchable, hard to get through to, who you don’t feel close to, and who is more solid than you, that’s typical leadership, no bats in a cave stir crazy like someone new with more energy than enthusiasm behooved, means your maybe where you shouldn’t be in life, that’s your timing off, not the timing of others, so you have two choices: settle down, or rehash the past, which everytime you will be punished for (says the DA and CHP, who put me in once, and will put me in again, that’s when someone complains about you or what you have to say, to which you will always be found at fault, you cant argue yourself out of situation where you are outnumbered or when a harm results that either has not happened to you or not happened to you yet be reminded of how short your life could be and how little time anyone has to veer of course, that’s you affecting the positive direction of someone who means well, not living life in fear, so own that feeling, that’s for being alone for too long, and for trusting men as friends, why it took you 8 years to be around women, and not be scared of a single one of them, let them down and no one will be on your side in life, that’s love). When enough answers and solutions to problems then have not already been provided for those here in the now to thrive cohesively without fear for whos lagging behind or too far ahead, doesn’t matter, the same spot people find themselves where others have passed through above and beyond expectation of them, were never meant to be lost being themselves anyways, so lets leave it at that, and one shark turned around, one brave surfer saved. I can understand if anyone was ever insulted by me, that’s their position of leadership taken, everyone does their best, we only have the ABCs and few words to work with here, so be thankful for each word spoken and published that’s not easy to do, to share what you think or how you feel and put into words a side taken, accept that much about life, its not a nightmare afterall, to be “removed of all your defects of character,” to enter a new chapter in life, and then as you had feared and once stated, wouldn’t that be weird, if you disclosed all your memories, and for some reason when you returned back to normal punished again expect in real life, so that your future or next chapter doesn’t happen for you, I can see everyones obsession with “Alice in Wonderland” thinking I entered the arena a stranger to life, or mad at people, or thinking things were about me, I read the Iliad in 7th Grade and was late to class everyday and once automatically locked in the car, because I did not get out of the car, before my brother got out of the car and locked the car, banging on the window, can someone get my brother Im locked in the car, and that’s one morning before school. Life happens that fast if your not careful I think is the main lesson, and as intense as I get its not tolerable and I can understand that overwhelming feeling of should’ve coudlve would’ves, you cant plan ahead in life, and sometimes you don’t show up on time, and sometimes whats needed to be said in time, or in the right way, is something you are not comfortable sharing, and as a result what is said is not good enough, therefore any later showing of everything thought to share cannot undo the harm already caused or change a mind that briefly turned on you, I don’t know what that expectation is. We are not fountains of love, everyones minds wander, we all get social, however today people are quicker than you think, and before you know it they are standing in your shoes in life, as though you let them down, and wait for a reaction from you to see how you feel when made to look small minded, whether you get scared or become violent, become a product of what you claim to provide assistance with, helping organizations that seek to prevent violence, not spread mental illness is what I think was thought of a public speaker, maybe its something to do with proof of all your angles in life, I think the two million word website did its part, no matter who was given love to and later made fun of for it, that’s a life lost because one is not mean or intending to insult, only being mindful of who is supported by them, entertained, that’s entertainment, whos awake and whos not, who to include, and who to exclude, that’s how priorities get set issue wise, and if your not in tune, the better, thats not purposefully being aloof and later offense taken to then refer to at a later point in time as that having been of issue to you then or overcome in life, credit no one for such losses, including my own disallusionment, had I been tougher then I would have known what was coming, and that’s when things don’t make sense to you, and when whats funny to others is not funny to you, not processing, means your not on the same wavelength of expectations in life: (ie) “dick in a box,” and youtube: “two girls and one cup,” shown to me by my then boyfriend, it was grose, I maybe threw up, and obviously did not get the joke, this was circa 2008, 2009 was when I applied to the US Navy, after the Grammys, I was a Bieber fan, so that explains why some were made to take life seriously under a different series of pressures in life, people first to jokes, before a joke was made in response: “a knife put in a box” (2010, living in Marina del Rey, taken before the move from Leonard to Anita, stored in my closet on the left side shelf above my clothing rack, no one has ever been in my apartment long enough to search my home or closet, other than during a move I was too tired to put together myself and box everything up, bedroom adjacent to the stairs, view of the water looking out left between the pool and a tennis court 200 yards away from the water), -kept in a hole puncher box in my “Lesley bag” gifted to me by an English nanny to the Correias, who lived off the same street as the Bauer’s, who eventually moved. So when your friends stick up for you, and take on leadership positions in entertainment, no of course they were not bothered by others overt expressions of opinion, that’s for their entertainment to figure out, what communicates best a feeling, which was probably not excitement, and more she absolutely has no idea what shes doing, just like Justin Timberlake, absolutely didn’t care who he was making fun of, to what time period, fair enough, so Im sorry for my “Sliding Glass Doors” movie reference reaction in my apartment in West Hollywood, threw a chair into my sliding glass door that shattered, I had one emotional night in the rain, in a tank top, shivering, and smoking, that was as Eastwood as it got, that was the first time I didn’t feel good and then put myself out in public for anyone to see that I was not feeling good, usually you stay home and rest you don’t go looking for whos watching you, thats not the solution, to ever think that people are watching you, you are either a “Panther” or youre not, and depending on what town youre in they all have their own duties to protect the integrity of their neighbors, not call negative attentions to themselves or others, or end up on any teams in life, or the wrong teams in life, sometimes that’s not your choice or decided by you, picking people out, but its by who picks you out in life, when you are alone, and talks to you when you feel most gone, that’s you not scared of them and that’s them not scared of you, which isn’t a bad reaction, until you later describe those brief moments with strangers, in which you appear to be the disillusioned one, as though they were nice to you and you were not nice to them, I think when I stopped having sex, not only did I not need sex, but sex also didn’t happen to me, eventually you get old enough that people want you to want them, and when you are able to get along with someone, and don’t also want to have sex with them, that can viewed as insulting to someone who was cool with you, thinking you think you are better or deserve better, that’s already having been done in life, that’s not the solution for making and maintaining friendships street, online, or anywhere, it’s the quickest route to: insult, that’s you being tough, them feeling insulted, and then you being uncomfortable, losing your marbles trying to understand whats with everyone and why you don’t feel good, and that’s because you shared out loud, why someone wanted to have sex with you and told you about the passing of others one you knew and one you did not befriend back after seeing him at “The Dime” with your friends, someone who got head in a phone booth at the Riviera Country Club, so that’s being a law student, your not flying a plane, that’s you in a position of trust, that when “someone reaches out a hand” for friendship or to talk, you respond and take 5 minutes of your time to have a conversation especially if you have any friends in common, that’s why they are cool with you, so that much hurts in life, as though what was known about someone ever convinced me not to talk to people, or ever headed somewhere above anyone in life that I didn’t have the time for friendship, when your busy, you don’t have any free time so that disinterest you later experience is like a “karma badge” to make you feel like someone who is no longer here, as though you did not empathize with them based upon their sex life, and since you did not attend their memorial, told about by someone who played on the co-ed soccer team, is why when “Robert Downey Jr.” was present for your 90 day chip after rehab, and you looked at your friends, one from Malibu the other from High School if they were going to wait in line to shake his hand and meet him, they said no, so I didn’t too: insult (who is now going to be a speaker at this years Webby Awards: that’s respect, someone who does a better job, on focusing what they have in life, not what they’ve been through, sorry everyone).
Solution: So I can accept that people do things in confidence and it may have nothing to do with you, and more about how they feel or who they come to love or admire in life, "men come and go," so thats not your fault, if someone can do a better job at pleasing your man, take your myspace spy glasses off, yes your car will be keyed back, you don't need proof why he left, all you needed was the text "to see other people," and them "moaning, oh yeah baby, and hear a slap," means that you were outside his window, and got the proof you needed, that turned you into a cokehead eventually, and then no one wanted you, and you missed a Windward Reunion in Hollywood, at the Roosevelt Hotel, so always go by your speed in life, if your ever made to slow down in life, maybe thats someone who is not interested in something you are interested in, and why the valet did not hook you guys up and took $200 dollars, why she left and you stayed, three in a bed, with a medicine bottle custom made by the hotel full of m&ms. Who later became a company, messages me, married and with child! Yay #beproud! Which explains all the "Refresh" commercials, it was sold at the schools pharmacy, where Id get checked. I technically keyed his "managers car" which I assumed to be the lincoln he drove instead of my car, and also forced me to describe another interaction, when a huge gallon size tub of "honey" was on his desk, and made to drop off something he left at my apartment, left walking down the hall and someone walking up the hall, and when in my car getting the car started, the same woman from the hallway at my window to tell me "she's been in my car before." If you were his manager, and if that was your lincoln, then Im sorry I keyed your car, and thats why I was left smelly, or did cocaine, and everyone lost respect for me, and not mentally fit to date, hearing voices, not cool. So don't write four final papers two written for him he asked for which he got As on and you didn't. Follow-Up: So Ive been in my room for four years, and I plan on staying here, and when well do my best to apply, and when its time be accepted to whoever understands my story well enough to understand when I was not well, how I was affected by breakups, and not physically trained for those types of losses in life, thats dating, your on board or your not, and when you do your best, pay for flights to NY to visit family in Brooklyn, and your Father does not approve of him dating him, that is why he had to move out of your apartment he lived in for free one summer, so thats trust, my only experience cohabitating with someone I loved and cooked for, who messaged me while dating someone 2013-2014 who I replied to, the men from your life come back into your life, they are not the ones who harmed you, its what you did with your life afterward, that someone new either expects you to have outgrown or moved forward from, and if you cannot provide the types of insights or conversation for long term potential, means to appreciate your time spent with someone new, understand someone old wanted to talk to you again, and always be mindful that someone new in your life will always leave you if you talk to someone old, thats dating there are no directions for who comes back into your life, or why people leave your life, that much you have to come to accept, that you're either well enough and presentable or not going to make it, so stay well, value who you are now, theres not need to make a worse life out of a good life, because of how you have described your life to be, not difficult, or make yourself sound tougher than you are, just appreciate when things are good, and do your best not to question what everyone else is about in life, and don't react to anyone or anything, or be nosey, or wonder, or ever feel rejected when someone would rather do someone else than you, thats them clicking better with someone their speed in life, having outgrown you, or by your communications to them, not having been a solid enough representation of someone who fully understand the world as it looks from the outside looking in, some things they don't tell you in life, you figure out for yourself in life, and not by advices in life do you become a better lover, or a wiser soul, who you walk in the room and the teacher respects your boyfriend more than you surrounded by friends in "Violence Against Women and Girls," is why you asked him to give you your keys back to your car and apartment in a "Juvenile Delinquency" course. Where we were made to watch a documentary tape, that wasn't the movie: "my girl," but was about "kid violence" to which I replied "its the parents fault," for some reason was not even sitting next to my then boyfriend, I once left crying on the steps, and someone who plays for the NBA now walked by, thats when people are reading you for reactions, wording, or insights to know more about you or your family, or your thinking, whether you were drawn to "Boulder" or whether it was a school recommended to you, it was recommended by my "college counselor at Windward: "Molly." I think I have been through enough, no I don't think I am going to date or hook up with anyone again for the rest of my life, you are only given so many chances for love, and eventually you have to choose, to live your life, whether or not anyone forgives you for not having the same headgear on in life, some mature faster than most. So be it. I don't think it excuses reacting, at all, and later talking about it in private, I now understand anything you talk about in private, by diary, or phone, to be used as something to hold against you in life to scare you, I think we all get made to feel scared in life, if we feel like we are being accused of having done anyone wrong in life, so its no wonder an ex my first boyfriend I got a missed call from a number I recall seeing on my phone I haven't had for three months, my mom took my phone away, I use my computer now, up out of bed, so Im not usually this frozen, but again, if you have overreacted, and seem like someone who attacks people or gets jealous or loses their cool thats letting them win, and you seem like a poor representation of whoever you come from in life, to them they will always be the bigger person, not really caring if you get sick, or end up in the wrong places in life, so thats others being allowed to be experimental with you, and you being left behind in life which is very painful to now say out loud, as though that memory of that person, was so significant that it ever held me down in life traumatized by, you move on in life, and just like they grow to love others, you will always find someone better in life, hopefully more prepared, not regressing, more mature, and more aware of whats at stake and being studied, you in the negative (the negative influence affecting those being supported by others knowing they know you), or you being supported and becoming the person who is into all the wrong things in life and made to appear nuts or not smart. So sorry for ever being concerned about anyone taking care of anyone, as though any subject or attack thereof of a subject was important then, blame me as having criticized any schooling, I saved in a manila envelope, I made folders, for all the random stuff in the family desk left out, thats being a nice sister, not paranoid. I think a website cannot cure where things are coming from in life, especially if everyone wants to know where a negative is coming from, just accept that much, people will known of you, and not see you as having the potential to light the way for anyone in need of inspiration, not your job, not picked then, and at no later point to represent others, so be a team player in those respects, where someone has done a good job of communicating to everyone how they feel is not your place to become concerned with the depressions of others, thats their life. No one wants to be treated likesome gay pervert steve-o joke, who is inappropriate or annoying to others, unwanted, who wants to live that life anyways, in disgust. And it just so happens that that is what was done to me, at my lowest point in life, trying to establish a career for myself through writing, which no one thought was advantageous, it doesn’t seem to be important to prove your importance later on in life, and that’s whats done to you, to make who feel better about themselves. That’s not the life I want to live, mischaracterized and suicidal and that is not the life I am going to live, treated as unwanted, for all I care I don’t have to talk to a single person for the rest of my life, ever again, and don’t have to have sex for that matter, Ive never asked for love from anyone, its something gifted to you upon doing well in life. So please don’t hang me from from a tree online, and treat me like Im trashy, Ive never treated anyone that way in my life, and I don’t expect anyone to treat me that way either. I have been nothing but loving to others, honest, open, and helpful, I don’t make my life difficult on purpose, and I would never make anyones life difficult for that matter. To get me where it hurts just to see where I stand in the grand scheme of things, lets not build up a shot to begin with, and try to label me post defamation, as being your MLK, Im not white enough or black enough for that anyways, so what the F are you talking about making things about something I am not. How would I be able to preach equality to anyone, who doesn’t treat me as an equal, or a victim, like Im something stronger than a human being who can manage taunting, ridicule, rejection, defamation, and be made to feel suicidal. I don’t deserve any of that in life. So in order to make a better life for myself, that means that I have to stay level headed, and sometimes in taking yourself seriously in life, others don’t, and that’s just them nothing to do with you, so no its not too late to be nice to me, or for me not to be at odds with anyone, maybe that means to expect less, and see the beauty in life, and not put people down in life based upon nationalities, like Im supposed to die of COVID too, and be another dead body in the total body count. Have a heart. It makes no sense to me, why someone would hurt me to get everyone to think less of me, like Im a bad decision maker, then explain to me what the F Ive been doing for 8 years writing online, and stop treating me like Im some selfish secretive person up to no good, not informative, Ive been calling 911 since 2013, I tell them everything, I see doctors, I took night meds, I stopped talking to friends, I don’t overwhelm people, and stop treating me like I have problems when I don’t, or when Im beginning to recover from being shamed online, expect me to speak for someone who has harmed me who thought I could take a hit in life, or manage embarrassment, and put me down and stick up for everyone else, make me the enemy to anyone else’s understandings in life, I was mortified, that those pictures were taken, I was obese 192 lbs, and as a result have been slamming my head into doors suicidal, and don’t seem to be making anyone else feel better who barely trusted me anyways, to get my life back on track, why put me through that, why put my family through that, who are you to cost me my own life, like you know my story or why I committed suicide 2009, whats it to you? If Ive made it this far alive, then why try to recreate a year when no one was attached and no one knew eachother, make things about you and how you are feeling, what about me, and how Im feeling, and if I don’t matter to you, then that doesn’t mean that you don’t matter to me, that’s called being selfish, willing to die for your own Country to protect them from harm, that’s why I applied to the US Navy 2009, because I didn’t want to be on any teams in life, stay neutral. So if you don’t understand my condition, then have some empathy, and if I want to work, let me work, and if I want to move forward in life allow me to move forward in life, and if its not your problem, then its not your problem, and means that its my life to live absent minded you or your problem with me. There is nothing wrong with blogging, allow for people to get well, and be forgiving if someone committed suicide 2009, maybe that just means it’s a condition treated by medications and not having to do with anyone for that matter. As you get older you lose support, and that can cause one suicide, to have nothing, to have no one, to have no life, to not have a job, and to be suffering financially, not able to take care of ones self, and there is no need to overwhelm me for the purposes of putting me down in life, like Im not a team player, I never cared what anything was about, so don’t treat me like Im a let down or disappointment, especially if I don’t even know you, simply because you sympathize with everyone else except me in life, and see my suffering as a result of my own misunderstandings in life, maybe that was the case, and please allow me now to move forward and not have to discuss my diagnose, my condition, my sexuality, my place of employment, my hospitalizations, is none of anyones business, so long as I get better, I don’t have to live through all of that again, and neither do you. It would be a shame to give up now, simply because someone doesn’t want me to move forward in life, and that’s by studying my past, and what has happened trying to make the same happen again for me in life, that’s seeing me or hearing from me and being turned off in life, I don’t have to please anyone for that matter, I can be alone.
11-29-20
Its easy to get side tracked when things are not okay. One quality about my blog I once stated is that its written once through without editing, that’s coming from me, without a later review modified to sound any differently than the words immediately coming to mind, upon responding to any series of pressures, or misunderstandings. I cant name a time in my life when I was ever not cool with anyone, but Im sure that there were times maybe when others were not cool with me, or thought of me as a poor example of someone with a positive upbringing shining their light in life, or not for good reason, thought a manufactured importance by homicide, not someone with a big heart, known because someone else was murdered, then after viewing where you come from or who youre friends with, see you as out of touch with reality, only doing things to make yourself feel good, which is the risk you take in helping others, viewed as a know it all, and that’s a difference you cant bypass in life, when you look good based off of what you are doing in life, and others don’t think you deserve respect, or see someone else who can do better than spend time with someone, who doesn’t appear to be all together there present, that’s not being in the social scene, you mature late, and maybe to ones own detriment, not a party girl. Everyone has fun, that’s tolerable, so just let things be, and not be too hard on those who thought it a good time to have fun with you, when you felt it was a good time to focus on career, no one takes you that seriously if you come from money, not even if you’ve never asked for money from anyone your entire life, just worked hard anyways, not a begger or a chooser in life, whos made to look and feel better then and why? Racism. I think its when you no longer represent someone who is nice to everyone and loveable, that your own likings get brought into question, as though you have ever held reservations to any kind, creed, or nationality for that matter, my first boyfriend was Mexican, we made out at Century City mall, and watched a movie together, he gifted me a necklace, with a rose glued to it, I still have in my jewelry box, so don’t treat me as someone who doesn’t know that a street name was named after him “Figueroa” street or the other way around, keep those insights in mind, whenever the identiy of those to be remembered is remembered in a way public, like a street being named “Cochran” that’s to inform everyone that no matter what the state of affairs were, the city is on the side of those who went out of their way to help people in life, whether they were made apart of that ultimate happiness in knowing that everyone is doing well, and that a later memory of them shared would be geared in the positive or for positive reasons shared, we all have our preferences in life, so don’t be too hard on yourself if your multi-racial, Im sure Im not the only one who used to be proud of my heritage, and later come realize the significance of those unions, and probably served as the basis for my “world peace motion” with all confidence, not necessarily all the facts to build a beautiful story quite yet, who assembles that, maybe if it mattered to those who remember a time when it wasn’t about connecting the dots, spelled out for you in life, maybe was a better period in life to go by when it comes to how things should feel, not so small, not so narrow, and not so unnecessary, when a later discussion becomes hurtful that’s assuming where others are coming from, and the more you assume, the worse you are made to look, like someone who thinks anyone is out to get them, and that just makes you another paranoid bug on the windshield of success, annoying, removeable, and forgotten, but if you keep landing on the same windshields, maybe that just means that your attracted to things in life not meant for you, better suited for others, who were doing a swell job at representing a case, that you were only later referenced to, had I not gone through mental health issues because of drinking, drug use, and dating, then maybe I wouldn’t be viewed as someone who engages, gets hurt, and complains, like anyone is supposed to be looking out for them in life, if you matter to you, then prove that you matter would be my first bit of advice when overcoming shame and embarrassment, and if you condition was really bad, then in a few words explain, I used to be very ill, not functioning, in bed all day, reading books, sometimes self-harming, feeling an irreversible pain, that irreversible pain is to accept what you have done wrong, and see what is left for you option wise to do right in the world, all valiant efforts aside, flyers, I think at the time, no guilt had processed, then after reflecting on being sent to TMS for depression, to wake my brain up by a Harvard Neurologist, meant something else to anyone not knowing me, thinking I messed up any games in life, when it comes to respect and outlook, that much you never see when you fall ill, just no one there to support you, and if they are supporting you, theyre upset with why you are not doing well, and no one can really support anyone who is not wanted in life, that becomes a chore, to take care of someone who has done wrong in life, drink, drug use, and cant even get the Doctors to be less strict with someone, who when they talk back, all respect is lost, that’s not being thankful for when things are going well, remember those glazed over eyes of pride and happiness for you, those are your parents, who would never put up with any amount of controversy when it comes to looks, displayed issues, or associations, be beaten up again, like the 90s never happened or lawsuits, it used to be the higher they rise, the lower they fall, that’s when it comes to people vying for things in life to benefit themselves in a way that if talked about publicly would make them look stupid, like dating, sex life, friends, why you don’t talk about your family, who may be beautiful people to you, but in the reverse is not a beauty recognized with respect, that’s when everyone who was there for you gets let down, special to know, painful to be viewed as knowing it all, no one can know what anyone knows looking at me, without even hearing me speak, which is maybe how a blog happened, that’s putting my best foot forward, when maybe in conversation I didn’t sound the smartest, and maybe in dress, didn’t look the most sophisticated, it’s a sad fact of life, when everyone is sharper than you are, and that’s something you just have to live with, allow the people to be empowered, just don’t say anything to cause anyone to turn on you, or those you love, as though they were supposed to be in on some guilt, later derived from my pen name, which was thought to communicate a big idea about life, which Im assuming did not bring others peace of mind, you know people lived their lives without going there once, so I don’t think trying to go there, when many of them or no longer here, really makes a difference, when it comes to who was punished and why, don’t line me up with them, and compare my life as lived the same, I have no money, no power, no connections, get every job on my own, went back to school to improve my hireability rate, and still work internships, because I need to practice working before committing to a full time system of care in which you get paid or fired on the basis of your own wellness, which was not a situation I wanted to live through myself or be in competitions about. So don’t believe everything you hear. No ones ever not been cool with me, that’s only later in life as a law student, I think if youre there, youre someone people look at, and decide for themselves, whether or not to respect you, and sometimes that includes insulting you, like telling me “you dance like a typical white girl,” whatever that meant, no I took a hip hop class in college and got an A, those moves were taught to me, the same guy who asked to see my outline, its like they wee your work, they want to bond, you are not available to meet at Panera, they hook up with someone else, then leave law school and overheard applied to the Peace Corps. More power to them, you tend to outgrow situations you find yourself alone in, when no one is supporting you doing what your doing can cause one to feel out of place, and its mostly by your own doing that others become distant, not necessarily having anything to do with your attitude toward a specific person, who they think thinks she is smart but isn’t smart or who looks like school is easy, and thinks she thinks she is going places, but in reality doesn’t look like anyone worth being sensitive to. Just don’t leave my body in his driveway, because Im sure that’s not what was meant by that, just a case of she seems black, she dated black, and that must mean she loves black, or this specific black person, and if this black person gets made fun of, we shall make fun of her too, because she knows this black person, so she deserves to be treated like someone who is black, who was successful, a cross-professional, this was before Will Smith, who Im sure took over for everyone, and led a very meaningful career, in spite of who he dated, Nia Long, whos house I have been to in Hollywood, distant connections in time, we don’t know eachother, she only knows one mode, and sometimes in sharing mode, she shares things that were meant to be held secret between her and those who trusted her to live a private life, and that’s where the simplicity, in knowing of someone, and shining light to others without someone, becomes painful to incorporate later as having ever had a relationship to anyones career moves in life which was all him, and probably nothing to do with me. So how did I manage not to go under, shamed, or blamed for the sufferings of others, usually on time, but at this point, not quick enough, and like the one swoop style of writing and composition declared, a different interpretation was thought meant by that style of writing, as though to infer guilt, or trying to help with knowledge of a prior occurrence of being watched, and then communications getting back to those cared for or noticed as standing out, blind, so that’s me being overprotective of unassuming, so maybe that was his way of incorporating me into his life shaking hands with my Ex a grassroots hat company, on Facebook, he photo me holding one of his hats sitting in a bungalow at Chateau Marmont, he wanted to get back together with me, but I think I was dating someone else by then, the life I could’ve lived popular, men who liked me, I passed up in life, not understanding the significance of dating someone who everyone knows and loves, there were a lot of pluses to dating someone mutually loved by you and others, you learn this later in life, usually men who love, are loved, just like women were intended to be loved, and be able to love, and sometimes we fall off course in life, mislabeled as someone who dates for status, or by name, and that’s the exact direction or reply sought to think that one was codey in the mind, or privately but never shared any insights privately with anyone, I was never that paranoid, to actually think that hard about any system of thought professionally made, question it, who does that anyways, film and music or book, that’s their expertise, respect it or move on or don’t free read, I think I respected those systems, and if I ever had any good ideas, for respecting those systems of judgement better, then I would have never made a pen name that demonstrated a connection to an incident, with lettering symbolic of something else, that much I didn’t forsee, something that was made by an established companies system of acceptance dolls in all nationalities, not sized skinny, expensive, unique, and with very unique amenities, miniature desk, pens, hangers, to me that was cool, but too expensive. Had I not tested for a rating from IMDb which was what Alexa was for me, I probably would not have photographed, but if you have an audience the least you can do is show your face, perform somewhat, in your makeshift life, on your makeshift stage, with your makeshift dreams, and your makeshift voice, and your makeshift books, and your makeshift signs, which means someone else should represent the purpose behind the “Hollywood” sign on a mountain, Ive hiked a few times for 2 hours, on Provigil, without ADHD meds, I guess Ive been observed under all conditions medication wise, exactly how smart are you, and if you are not smart without your meds, well then that’s something no one can fix about you, the decisions you make and impression made, not on your meds, which doesn’t explain why sleeping of not performing, I guess that’s something you later figure out in life, whats coming from you, and whats a manifestation of an issue coming from another, directed purposefully or not intentionally toward you, not impressed by you, that’s the briefing reading off a paper, and being interrupted by a student who participated more, and held my finger up to finish what I was saying probably thinking I haven’t gotten to any main points yet, maybe something he was trying to highlight before I said anything important, that’s maybe why my IOP friends hiked with me to “Amir’s Garden” twice for two hours, the year the letters were taped, and on social media parking beams were covered in duck tape to memorialize “Hollyweed” which was funny maybe to them, but coming from me scary to hear, its my life Ive lived it, avoiding being dodged at, calling the police, and then walking up the hill and hitching a ride home, just means get everything done before the night is over and your phone dies, that texting with no replies, three arrests the same night not related to you, and a drawing I made misidentifying me as the offender for hitching a ride, and a Russian fingered me DJ-ing then showed me his D-k, walked around to my right, and then told my Ex about it, seems to be the equation, someone looks like they did me, then talked about, then whos doing me offended, so that’s looking like a slut, someone who does others wrong, or cheats, and is grose on their own merits, I don’t think bad things happen to you in life knowingly, you usually get sent out into the world, without them thinking anything bad will happen to you, and then as talked about you are made to look bad, the side of the person who no longer wants you taken, like how could I do that to someone who loved me, I invited him to my Brother’s wedding, I had a boyfriend at the time. I put the picture on Facebook, that’s being comfortable with your friends, and sharing what a crazy night out in Hollywood looks like, so when my Ex-Boss decided to move, I took down all his signs, then they asked for them back, he lived in the neighborhood, the same Boss I think everyone thought I was dressing up for in bandage skirts, just in photo, and upon loving someone who I could not be with by age gap and physically too old for eachother, a younger professional was doing him, while I got to be in the office all day, that’s being screamed at like your doing your Boss, that’s your Parents wanting a better life for you, at this point I think everyone has fun until you get in trouble, when he interviewed me again told me “that was just a one time thing.” I think that’s other people saying things to see whether I relate what is being said to me, as being about me, or about me in terms of any moments when Ive had a one night stand, which Im sure others were critical of me, its always with friends, a guy likes me non-stop talking to me, making conversation, then low and behold, they end up f-king me, and who looks bad, me, not them, and if I mention it, I seem insensitive, like I was insulted above them socio-economic wise, its actually the fact that Im not attracted to you, so the basis for your attraction to me is thinking my reputation can handle being done by two guys from the same gym, where the hickie was from he saw, so its whatever, I was in rehab at the time for cocaine addiction short lived, no one really seems to care when Im taking life seriously to better myself, its actually a real struggle to be assessed in a room, mostly people there by court order, you being there voluntarily, and then be treated as someone who had done someone wrong why you were there, and that’s how once every story form your life is shared, any change looks like in response to something bad happening, listen if you wait until something bad has happened to care, or to better yourself, your too late, and if you don’t listen to who does care about you and loves you, means that you don’t understand where they are coming from, its never too late for them to care even if you have already been harmed and being rejected as not being bright, sexy, put together, and sharp, you know one day you will, no matter how many times you have to listen and get hurt, because the fast life was just not meant for some people, who cannot afford to be left on their own in life, or treated like they deserved to have been done wrong in life, on their way out anyways, no Im here. I havent had a cell phone for about two months now, just got it back was getting texts from Exes, one of whom is George who I met when I was 17, he was 33, he's Puerto Rican, and was declared "the hottest guy at the gym," Liked me. I dont have a record of that text in my iPod, or cell phone, but I remember the number, replied, "Who is this?" 11-29-20
Before there were protests, there were celebrations, maybe premature for us, but one poster stood out to me, I think the lettering in support of SCOTUS with a circle around it, overseas, when another Country was freed, Im not sure if we are fans of, or which Jews built what, and why I was introduced to Tiesto in the Engineering Quad by a friend who climbs, and is Russian, went to an International High School in Egypt, anyways, who then moved above the Deli many years later and was introduced to Yo La Tengo. Tiesto's bebo song is no where to be found, saved in college, mix stolen, probably along with all my other CD's, thats not my social security number, which happened this year, same old, fancier ways of being hurt in life, that get out of control, so Im sorry, how I got hurt and my family got hurt, with no money, people asking for money, received from edd.gov, so apart of me not completely sharp coherent yet, thats the embarrassing part of disability, I would never slow anyone down to meals and goodnights, thats too slow. But I hear the sense in seeing if I recognize the difference between normal conversation, the pen pal life, its odd, Im sorry, I usually dont talk to anyone, to to be sized up as dumber than I was trying to appear online, is okay just not to who has been supporting me, not convince them Im the cause for their sufferings, as not having done a good enough job sticking up for myself when needed, and letting everything slide, while I was made to look like someone making $hit up, or complaining, about the type of life and interactions I had, probably someone who was making fun of my quotes campaign, as an unnecessary reference to someone who died, seeing me as taking his place, I read his website before I committed suicide, why the F do you think Im still alive, because I dont say $hit, move forward in life, thats not sizing up anyone paranoid, which you learn in Rehab or by Ferguie, the make believe gov't agents spying on you, which if is anything, they dont do much these days other than slow me down, or send voices, which could be someone trying to see whether I communicate with strangers, once in front of my friends house called at night, someone came up to my car, then I was put in jail, he got pulled into an SUV by the world police, I drove him to Heroine detox weekly, in exchange for an adderrall, sober prescribed 5 adderralls already, a runner, skinny, fit. And once walking home from a march to Westwood and back, in front of the bank building with a planter and a missing window, someone random appeared, I saw behind me, so thats when youre alone, people showing up, means that you either appear in need, or someone who needs help not being helped, or not on the right meds at home, while on Provigil walking for 2 hours everyday and on night meds, just to lose 10 lbs, thats why I was trying so hard, really nothing to do with the meetings, if I video myself on my remade Instagram mymollydoll1985, which if Im not well in public after meeting those with normal lives, then I dont look like I appreciated how special that was everyone there and in positive spirits, means thats when I returned not acknowledged was intended to make me seem like I relapsed because I threw away a cocaine baggie (one left with), after the move to the new house, which made me look trashy, and because I dont throw out my trash, makes it seem like it was found, and I was told on, and then put on ambien and in the hospital I stayed Spring 2011, when I drew a fact pattern in crayon, a girl sitting under a tree, and a truck accident on the freeway, which maybe is known to them, watching TV of the riots, not a story I have told, but the entire hospital is painted now, and I found a cricket in my bed, the nurse's name is Leslie I think I wouldve remembered that, I dont really participate socialize, I requested smoking, so was sent to a hospital in Chino, if I start talking to myself in my hospital bed, telling jokes, noticing the family drawn on the arm pump, and talking to the plug, means Im delusional, because thats not code, or is that funny only to maybe them, real to me, stands out, means I probably am too paranoid, and communications are not that sophisticated for building trust, but should anyone gather evidence of you having fun in public and not made scared by strangers than that is how you becom not trusted, and if you try to help others, they think is because both sides know you, which is also scary to think about. Which is why being famous is not fun, I need to get a masters in international negotiations, and without an attorney to advise me, on how to get my life back on track, just listen, and will disclose in the future if there are any strangers perched around me, and not be out at night, which is why I ahve been home going to bed at 8pm every night, and was arrested by the police, once in front of a school, because I stayed in my car all night, so thats others talking to the police, and because of how you have behaved, so threatened your own families wishes to stay in your room, something I talked about by video to my iPod, in front of the Roosevelt, my Dad shouting at me to stay in my room, I went running one night they were filming, a gang in orange kept popping up on my street one in shorts, and I ran through a movie set, they were filming a scary movie, we were notified by flyer, I used to hit my head talking to myself outside my house, I think Ive come along way, trust wise, just today lost my face again, because I slammed my head into a door, so not strong mentally or physically, Im sorry, will do my best not to be scary, and stay healthy, even though a lot has happened to me in life, thats no excuse, for hurting your family, for being out at night, that not only makes you look bad, but serves as an excuse for everyone to treat you as mentally ill like your on drugs, happened twice, takling exactly as prescribed, if I miss a night of sleep, punished, saying Im overdosing when Im not, so the last year I have not been stable running out of meds, taken off meds for two weeks slept at home did not go to the hospital saw a Psychiatrist who told me that I dont have ADHD, and prescribed me Vyvanse, this was March, which is okay, they're the doctor, so if I tell them what works for me, that gets interpreted as me telling them, so if you have disability, and self-harm, just let them know, so they know what meds to take you off of if youre coming across as unruly or too strong to anyone for that matter, allow people to second guess you, its by their decisions in life, you were given a life to live, so no at no other point in time do you know better, or is your timing in life important for anyone for that matter other than yourself, to lose weight, which isnt that important of a goal, being accepted as normal, and not be treated as a truant, drug addict, or "derilic" talking to yourself on your way to jail, Id prefer not please. Writing is a much better form of communication than going nuts with nothing to do, and no job, which I think was the joke, someone smart with nothing to do, so anticipating that posted "Ron Give Me My Job Back." Because thats exactly where you guys are going when you take it all the way back, which is why NYC supports all "never forget." Was that a "never" as in Michael Jackson? As in Neverland? Shes been to the ranch, got in a car accident in a golf cart listening to Michael Jackson in the mini Lincoln, and they lost their driving privileges, and had to take the train, so that was being gifted a Yellow Jeep Boombox, and a box of CDs, the card is probably gone by now, never were gifts viewed by me to be internal communications, but afterward when you share, makes you seem like someone who is given clues in life and misled by things you see or hear or know or come to believe in people who are later found to have harmed others, on the wrong teams in life, if by experience, you were not harmed during your experience, explains why the age demographics wanted to be known, and seeing Facebook is a younger demographic, half nude photos were shown of me, so no me auditioning for NBC's "The Voice" is not it, the blog is. So I hear your war conspiracies of me saying one thing and thinking Im connecting to other teams in life, I get how thats alarming, it alarms me too, Los Angeles is complicated enough as it is, no fighting required, chill, at peace, so the unwanted tourism, is not by my demonstrations to an audience being watched by someone bad, its Wordpress has my domain, Im not sharp enough to get it back but we are still in talks, I told them I hired someone, and ICANN blocks moves now, prohibits moves, so I couldnt figure it out anyways, put a message on my WHO IS to everyone. So I recognize that case, and I dont think that nude photos should have been asked beyond what I normally take, actually naked as though that was going to stop someone from hurting me who wouldnt stop being intense toward me, yes I felt responsible to calm this person down, he called my Mom, had it not been for the lawsuit, then the same steps wouldnt have been repeated to make me look like I was intense at the time I was sued in need or upset by anything that any person I was talking to was responsible for, that means its out of the hands of the person you are talking to, why people who are already getting F over and dont know why, is difficult to permit to speak, because it looks like someone was getting hurt, and didnt say anything because one has guilt, and thats not how life works. Maybe everyone tips eachother off, to maintain some comradere over whos who, but its not until no one feels sorry for you, or does not empathize with you, and sees you as lesbian who sleeps all day, and sees their mom as having to do my laundry, as though she should not be taking care of me, well I started cleaning my own room, you can have the treadmill, it was for me, prime exmaple of moms advice working on others, but cant fix me, not their fault, thats just how I am, everyone connected except me, then everyone angered by me, let me know when Im the leader, and let me know when to take the lead of others, and let me know when Im being out of line, I almost got kicked out of my own house, means I just F-d up, and these are not issues that my parents can handle, why my Dad told me to stop blogging, and showed me a picture of the LA Times Building, back in the day, they got attacked, I see what you guys think, so writing isnt surviving in lieu of being bullied, it is not better of a life, but at least Im speaking, so that doesnt mean I was ever suicidal, everyone just knows my quirks now, so its easy to get under my skin and hurt my head, and thats not intentional, thats just me now keeping my distance, and thats okay, painful for no reason, occurs when things are at peace, and everyone is fine, then someone who seems well because others are not doing well is rising to a some version of king kong online celebrity status, which is a gift back for something youve done well, not because of something youve done wrong, and even if its someone doing you wrong, you cant go back if you were the one who got made to look bad, and a President you finally got to be in sync with through all the action this time, got sick, means that is why Im being blamed, because it looks like post "impeachment" I reached out to talk to someone, who I didnt have a problem with, who didnt know me, then as I got sick expecting me to do better, then once able to stand, knocked me out completely from any running respect wise, looking like I assaulted the President and sent him nude photos, past Hemingway, you know I didnt advise him to go to The Philippines, but I still took responsibility for all his coverage of the Asian States (Countries), not like they dont care, or dont have excellent systems for belief making already pre-established, if only they could fix their sky, California did awesome in that respect! So proud! |
AuthorLeslie Fischman Archives
July 2021
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