At this point in time, my luck has run out, my options have become limited, and all progress lost, this is what losing feels like, and as the jokes pile up, and all your decisions made with regards to whether you have a dirty mind and think with a dirty mind, and have dirty needs, and if you are the type of person who attracts dirty people into your life, that must mean one is dirty, and if one is dirty, then one does not take good care of themselves, and if one does not take good care of themselves, gets sick without knowing why they feel dirty. There is love, and then there are conversations, sometimes having nothing to talk about is a good sign, its from the moment you don’t feel good, or become mentally ill, that you have done something wrong, and that no one wants to take responsibility for, having given love to you, and watch you get worked on the street hustled, that’s street life, you cannot make a positive ending out of shady experiences, just be grateful to be alive, and take everything with a grain of salt. Then theres the decision to enroll in Tinder, that was a mistake, and uneventful, I think that that’s not the best way to make friends in life, no matter how intriguing it may seem, its better to wait for the same guy for years, until hes ready to come around at peace with you, then to venture off course in life, and be known for having done someone you met on Tinder, who you were afraid to meet in the first place, because you told that fear, you both were scared to meet eachother, and that’s how telling another stories, gets re-lived through your own experiences in life. That’s not fantasy, that’s trying to understand whats going on on this app, and how things are going down on this app, and figure out what the temperature around is like, its thinking how to prevent by addressing a problem, and to illustrate that that’s not okay, and its also not okay to think about the trauma of others, as that puts others in fear, to think that way, or seem like someone who pays attentions to stories, and wonder what was it about a story that captured your attention, and whether you continued to support an organization in which something bad happened, if it’s a matchmaking system, then they should be able to tell who is trustworthy or not, and those things should not happen, if we as women don’t select without a full profile, that change I noticed, professional photos of the Men! Holy cow, the correct response, thank you! -Understand that as others watch you live life, you are the leader to your own story, and that’s something someone can’t help you with in life, direction, sometimes it’s not until someone feels lost, that their true colors shine, or we get to see a side of them, without them knowing it, whether that’s mental illness, poor mannerisms, poor hygiene, self-harm, and reactions, pain sets in, and that’s allowing yourself to be overcome with illness, and that’s how I lost Jay after waiting for him for many years, met January 2013, before the blow job, its been a heartbreaking experience knowing him, the moody techie, to the kiss on the cheek, found. When people are hyper around you and enthusiastic about you, jump out of grumpy mode. Being a soldier is about having fun in life, feeling good around people, not holing up techno style in the zone, that’s too intense for comfort, and maybe seemed too dramatic, like I was going places in life, or gearing up for an occasion, to be face animated social, never actually. What was the big deal, is that seeing Jay after the Superbowl Commercial my sister-in-law was in, was made known to me afterward, after Tinder, after Superbowl, after Jay = #syphallis.
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It doesn’t matter who you are in life, once you F up in life, that’s how life is. So appreciate the times when you were allowed to be experimental and make moves in life, and with understanding and compassion for others, have since chosen to stay home. That’s not a reflection of my experiences in life, and that doesn’t explain when I was able to stay well, and why I am not able to stay well now. Blogging is about your content. And if its not something Im comfortable sharing, then that must mean it hurts me to share, whether that part about what I have written is accepted about me, you can only live for the moment. And later in life you realize you will be known for moments in life memorable, stories about you disfavorable, and its up to you to move forward in life, or to bring everything up, and not be happy with where you are, and what you have worked hard toward achieving in life, a job. Blogging is not a platform, for experimenting with topics, not relevant, or experiences not had, I do not use my blog to give sex advice, give dating tips, or share any romance tips, and my condition now, means that I made the right decision, to post once a day, tweet in fun, and check my rank, and monitor my own wellness, manage my bipolar, voices if occurring, and respond to whoever needed me to respond, who was either unhappy with me, or trying to change my condition or lessen any respect paid toward me, lighten up the level of seriousness, about me, or my experiences, and that’s being categorize as a whore online, naked. Not what I wanted. But you have to take responsibility for your decisions in life, as the FBI replied “you sent photos.” Meaning it was my mistake to take photos and send photos, which later embarrassed me. Try not to make things worse than they seem, who cares if the Shining Twins are all jazzed up running on San Vicente (Example: This is a painful mention, and based upon my condition now, an unwanted mention, to attach people who dont read my blog to my blog. No one has to do anything in life, life exists with or without you :) be here now, thankful thats all I meant, I understand if Im not well others dont want to be connected to my condition now, Im always doing my best, I wish I was stronger physically, my energy is coming back slowly over the years getting back up to speed but it took working again full time typing to get going again, learn the disciplined practice of working full-time on good days and bad days -Edit Here: 10-30-20), they’re healthy and positive and that’s all that matters, about that. Do not complain about the built in home entertainment systems in your hood, appreciate that much about life, you get to live around wellness, be so so thankful, and with kindness to all, not share horror stories about the streets as though you ever felt at odds or different, dumb. Some situations you cant get out of in life, and that’s when another is taking lead to where you are, managing your time, using your time, doing a lot of things in a short amount of time, that’s life. He told me he “was from Texas, and has done really bad things,” while driving my car, passenger side, listening to him talk, and turned-off, and then he wanted to hook up, and declined when he got on my bed, that wasn’t because he never gave me coke, or had me go to the ATM two times. If its happened to you once, then don’t be surprised if it happens to you again in life, and remember its how you tell your story, that makes others feel bad for them, empathize with their reactions to you, to illustrate you lack warmth, or think coldly about life, or have obnoxious things to say online like “come and get me!” That means whoever heard that was offended to think that you think there is someone guilty lurking, and to be so dumb to not understand who did it, and growing up around someone everyone thought was guilty, he was found not guilty. And its by the things you say that stand out, to others, that gives them permissions to hold negative judgments of you, not comprehend your fears, not show compassion toward your condition, and that’s why you get left, and that’s how you get remembered, as though your condition is important, or assume someone else doesn’t care about your health, or acts without worry for your condition worsening, life should not be a live or lose situation, and if you feel like your dying, explains why I went to the hospital mentally ill. And that was not because of what I said became ill, because I relapsed on cocaine and then got mental illness, and then became difficult to connect to, instability caused by choices in life, and my words in life, why anothers life was memorialized highlighted by two neon signs, while I got bullied in life, shamed, and things have not worked out for me in life, why jobs are important, and how respect of you is lost, the minute you claim you feel a certain way because another has made you feel that way, that shows a connection or an attempt at blaming the others for being peculiar about you, or not in acceptances of the changes others go through in getting to know you. That’s just life, you have connections, then you have to give up bonds, for new ones, jobs. I blog, not to cause problems or to experience heartbreak or focus on things that have caused me illness, when your thoughts or interpretations are of your own making, doesn’t make sense.
Socialization Tip: Once you become threatened, its you that gets rejected in life. And if you get sick, that is because you got threatened, and that’s because they connected, that was new to me. Apparently that’s a problem I have, upon being connected, I get sick. Im sorry if I have ever made another woman feel threatened by me, or my presence, and never would I want what has happened to me, dating offline and online, to happen to anyone else as experiment. Once you lose respect in life, say something crazy, then that’s how you get treated as threat and put down in life, if Stassi could shout obscenities that was hot in her case, but not in yours. When you get sick, that’s your body telling you to stop what youre doing, and either think of something else, or choose a new profession, is how things look or appear, you cannot “win” so to speak “in reference to Charlie Sheen” if you are overreacting, or not representing yourself well in public and difficult to connect to in private, learn to believe in the concept of “less is more” that is when the odds are against you in life, everything becomes a gamble, whether not others can agree to anything, about anything, that’s not my speciality, addressing a problem, that I have no experience in micromanaging, I only know my odds for reaching those moments of peace, occur, when I am doing everything right, sleeping at night, on a schedule, never in my life have I ever felt compelled to push myself to extremes in life, and maybe its so a permanent condition doesn’t take hold, of those who have been well around me, and have done their best to welcome me back into their lives and trust me, upon being ready to work again, after finishing my law degree, I had to beg to finish, be paid for, that was over a period of many years, either not well to start, then took courses when well, then told to work, then wanted to finish my studies, and then had to work, and then finished my Law Degree, that’s being patient, and listening to others in terms of why its important to work and to continue applying for jobs, that is because the longer you wait, the more difficult it becomes to apply and get a job, that’s being connected in the wrong ways in life, once you fail in life, and that’s not a condition, that is workable in the workforce, or for dating for that matter, there will be glimmers of faith, hi, hellos, and sure lets hang out, and as you lose faith, watch your dreams dimmish, be careful who you are pleasing in life, and always ask yourself why you are where you are, and do your best to make due with how you feel, and where you are health wise, by your choices in life. Whenever I have voices I usually call the police, I used to be good at catching it before things got out of hand self-harming, because I have had one experience swallowing a bottle of kolonopin, not to glamourize that’s $hit, and definitlely not in a poignant way, to make anyone feel good about hearing that, or think up $hit like that in their minds, on a $hitty day in life. Listen, when people F up, that’s to everyones benefit to examine why, keep that confidence to yourself, thou shall not recite put into words or make permanent what feels good to everyone, expecially if everyone is on different $hit these days (meds) the pharmaceutical industry replies that’s to keep you guys f-king separate, so you don’t collide, its to let the good shine, and those we do not trust, at a slower altitude in life, that is noticeably stupid looking without thoughts. I have thoughts, I just don’t speak my mind, and I used to be animated, when I had friends. Do those entertainment skills matter, not if you cant cheer us up, then get the F away from us. I understand, I don’t think that others intend to cause the level of harm they do, that’s because everyone else is doing so well, that this one F up stands out too much, she must not be a person of faith, or of solid work ethic, she seems like she makes moves to make things look like, I couldn’t f-king orchestrate a political opinion toward me in life in the positive if I tried. Just know when you do lose faith, thats why your life turns to $hit, your hard to talk to, and everyone notices you, that’s not an exit strategy giving up in life, that’s being mistaken as a problem or thought of as someone drawn to problems who studies problems, likewise treated.
As a consequence of dislike, not only does your presence offend others, but everything you say hurts to hear from you, doesn’t make sense, doesn’t resolve whats going wrong, and whos insights are assumed to be admissions by you via, what stands out to you or affects you in life. As a consequence of dislike, you cannot undo that a condition in which you are forced to speak to an audience or with awareness of (like the Macbook camera) of being read in the negative, this is why what was okay to divulge in the past was helpful, but now you may feel more restricted in life, in terms of your tone, demeanor, and try less when it comes to your sense of pride, that’s allowing a distance to occur. I wish I understood writing better, or had attended the screenwriting course paid for, dedicated the attention to learning a skill I wanted to learn, take a professional writing course, I have not taken any. And that’s what makes the unwanted part about you, and that’s what makes another hurt in terms of acceptances to let in or talk to someone who people then wrongfully accuse the other of Rape or Sex Assault, while I am attached to a “Trump account” talking to him, that means what is private as known, becomes a condition about another, that’s causes the other to be attacked, for accepting my identity into their lives, and that was what was so heartbreaking about the Superbowl, if another Woman claims to have F someone you are recently enamored with, getting to know, don’t leave to establish that you would freely give your body to another without complaint, no matter what connections you inherited from that person, I am a homie, until Im tired, sometimes I put out. If I was the influencer beeeotch in his life, then I can take credit for “too many Asian deals” Im sorry. And if World Peace was not achieved, as evidenced by the Fires, [Im sorry I applied to an International Relations Graduate School Program to learn how to speak in a non-offensive way, sorry everyone, be gentle with my words, not hurt relationships], with no job and no pay. If its an issue about who they are connected to now, just send a memo: we don’t like her and now we don’t like you, and we think that her insights or issues, do not favor our best interests. Because she has sex, and gets sick, and doesn’t blame anyone, and reports too late, “was that the m-therf-ker” who changed my face, you wonder, but who really investigates that???? He was taking in an ex-Angel from Colorado, who lived on Pennsylvania Street, and because his accuser was wearing Orange on TV, I had a chat with his Attorney, called, and sent a Book. That book was supposed to build a special connection to a real human being, who would appreciate that effort, and understands given what Ive been through, hard to assemble, and make sense! Sometimes things that are easy to read, are assumed to have been written in one swoop, or in a creative thinking mode, not from the heart and with thought, and the mode when all the jokes get used up and played out, is the condition of “loser” so achieved, to send insults back in time.
In addition, Im sorry if my tone, was ever off, or too as a matter of fact, and did not bear resemblance to anything of value organized, why my computer is broken and cant find anything, and explains why I dont feel good looking for a document, that elaborated on why I said #hateleslie, and removed. That has nothing to do with a strategy to communicate any obsession or all about something else in life. I dont think that was the case, but if you say that, then I should not be surprised as treated in that way by others, as though that was the script to follow in life, treat the same as, and view everything said as unapologetic, or intended to insult an sect or denomination of intelligence, it was a term I have been called my whole life "retarded" and now we can add to that list "pervert" which was first heard by auditory delusion as a runner on Ocean Ave, texted to my friend, who was positive and hopeful of my return to a normal life, and that is the voice that populated, and happened to me. Thought deserved, and treated as Gay, I dont think that Bipolar is a diagnosis or serves as code for making $hit up to make things look like is about this this or that, and I dont think a term I have been called, should offend anyone, or cause them to treat me like I deserve in life, a poor influence on others. I think you are either solid in life, dont cause problems, or you inherit problems from your own past, as shared publicly in your 4th Spirit, the free spirit years, before notified to be single for a year. NOTICE: Im not feeling well, so chances are what I am saying may not be the solution to not feeling well, and has caused me pain to discuss, it must be something explained just in case that was thought or cause for treating me like a traitor, or someone who turns on people they love, no I dont expose people I love to hurt, I say things nicely, its when things are not said well, and are imperfect, that tampering has occurred, and although that hurts, its also not to be explained as the cause for me feeling ill now, that must be that I am not saying things right, and what I have to say is causing me mental illness, and difficulty sleeping at night, thats being left alone in life, as a reminder, as soon as something happens, it is you that gets examined, and then it gets determined whether to hurt me, as helping to provide solution away from illness. Lesson: Focus on illness is causing me illness, just leave those behind who gravitate toward illness, and provide positive insights, dont reinforce illness. Thats someone seeing you, and in a playful way, examining you, and talking to you, to get you to open up and what about, chit chats, and has you watch a monitor of colors, with ear clips to show that your thinking and your thoughts can be read internally with this monitor, whats your point? Thats someone for example trying to tell you how it is, be treated as the lost misguided one, who misguided others, I always do my best to go to rehabs or hospital, and have done my best to be smart, And Im sorry if I did not appreciate all the strength in numbers when life was happening. Thats the spirit of America, mental health issues are like a 5% portion of the American Population on anti-psychotics, why a Psychiatrist costs $250, and $1000 and three appointments for Geodone needed. For anyone convinced that you have done wrong in life, why you have not been included in any equations for wellness in life, is intended to keep you separate until you realize your self-worth, and become happy and proud about who you are and the life you have lived. You only get one chance at life, and its certainly not all about: (1) rising to occasions (2) proving others wrong (3) making your mark or (4) addressing the needs of others by instinct. There is a such thing as actually living life, believe it or not, without being a desk reference to other social ills in life, not to be assumed to have occurred as a direct reflection of your life as lived. If my life was not good enough then, then it will not be viewed as better now, and that’s a sad fact about life I have come to accept. There is pressure and there is pressure past the point of accumulating guilt in life, or after having been found guilty, for reasons not clearly made to you, but made known to all on public record via the courts and I cried. Ive visited them more than once, and what “probation” meant was described to me “as not breaking any laws, while on probation.” To me, lawsuits are a tool, used to inform you that you have done something wrong, and because you have done something wrong, do not make another person feel good. That’s absent minded your 4th Step, and anyone from your life, who you have so chosen to be separate from. That’s treating you as though you have done wrong, whether knowingly or not, were told you have done something wrong by another, and that is what the Justice System is for, informing you, not necessarily responsible for explaining to you what you have done wrong and why. All that matters is that what you were doing an action “texting” was “unwanted” and because you texted were believed to be “delusional” and because you were delusion, evidenced by the fact that one was slamming their head into a wall bleeding (hearing voices), means that “one has done something wrong, which has been communicated to another party, who does not wish to be involved.” That’s is self-harm, self-harm, means that you do not feel good about yourself, and its your responsibility to figure out why you do not feel good about yourself, or why you do not feel like yourself. It doesn’t then matter what other people think of you, and don’t expect them to be watching you or waiting for you to get well in life, that you have to figure out all for yourself. It should not be until you self-harm, that others are notified of how weak you are, and whether or not you can tolerate being made fun of in life, and no I do not think that a Lawsuit, is to give others the go ahead in life, when it comes to capitalizing on the loss of identity endured, when someone is forced to go to Court, for not attending a Civil Hearing, be given directions or notifications of what is allowed, not allowed, and the consequences for not abiding by that Order. That’s if you cannot get a hold of your Attorney, and do not attend by yourself. That’s not because I wouldn’t know what to say, or because I have too much say, or because of what I have to say would be inappropriate to discuss with a Judge, too much information to indicate Guilt present, or too much information to explain mental health condition, or weight loss. The last time I was called “delusional” was in a UCLA Medical EMR Record, in which it recorded that “patient says shes going to Law School” “patient is delusional.” And then went to Law School. Because of drinking, and arguing with a friend, that made things uncomfortable for me to date my then Boyfriend of 4 years, and because I had a drink, when I got to my car, my boyfriend standing outside my door, was punching my head, then drove off, that was the first time I recall punching my head, and the first time I have punched my head in front of someone, and got into a Car Accident on the way home, things did not work out, and upon things not working out, committed suicide 2009. It then doesn’t matter what I wrote, who I donated to, or what I was like at work prior to suicide, all that matters is that because I drank, I argued, and because I argued I left and punched my head, and because I punched my head, got into a car accident. Which is information asked for because in 2013, because I drank alone, I was texted, and because I was texted I punched my head, and because I punched my head suicidal, I drove on the 405 freeway, and changed lanes without a blinker, until I got pulled over by the CHP. Sometimes to make things go right for you in life, you have to step down, and that’s exactly what I did, stepped down to accusations by my then Boyfriend of three years, we were in the middle of a breakup, writing in my phone, when I was bothered by another Law Student from UCLA, made to give head until I threw up, and that was the incident, occurring, after accusations by text occurred, and after arriving home from DC and visiting the US Supreme Court. And that’s how you get treated in the Street, if youre not sharp enough, or quick witted, to understand that someone who comes into your life, then becomes apart of your story. Which explains why I stay home, and don’t go out. That’s others moving on without you in life. And that’s how you get played in life to look like a schmuck, or someone who doesn’t know their own worth, or the value of their time spent, around those of worth. In defense of institutions, I feel like I was liked, because it told their version of events, or how they wanted my story to be told, to include, an anecdote, of someone sucking dick who attended a School, that Petrocelli went to, and a Hospital, my Moms ex-boyfriend worked for as a Nurse. And that is why I think my story is being told by others, who know me, then give meaning to their lives, as though I impacted their lives then, or had a meaningful story to begin with about anyone. And because Boston occurred after I was emailing myself, a Marathon cut short by bombs, that is why I get attacked upon completion of Law School, or at any juncture of well being fought. That is to treat me as a bombing victim, as though I did not do my best, to communicate to everyone my condition then, or in private, give my password to the US ARMY who I applied to via application online, when a song was made, that I did not agree with, deleted my inbox. Don’t then treat me, as though I was an open Inbox to intruders, or as though my mental health issues, whether shared by me posted to a closed Twitter account, are my responsibility to discern how powerful of an impact my identity, is on someone who does not know me, or argue that I am responsible for my condition as I am now, as though my condition upsets others, or motivates others to cause harm to others, that’s treating me as a shock to know, without me having said anything, and after I shared in a nice way on Twitter, try to line everything up, to say that those acts were in communication to my identity, as though my identity communicates or motivates others to do wrong, and that is how I was treated, not based upon what information I provided, not based upon the quality of writing provided, but treated by how things look, she enters the equation, her identity is known, and then say this this or that happened because her identity is known, then claim that my identity or my position in life, is not with acceptance of others, or once known and made clear with approvals by me, that’s to make things appear as though upon finding out things could’ve been with reference to me, got upset, and it’s the upset that is the feeling wanted to be generated, to say that I got upset when I found out this was about me, to say that he got upset then, like he found out things were about me. -I can do my best moving forward to stay well, but that cannot fix the fact that I have mental health issues now, and do not feel well, and cannot change the treatment of me, as offender, that is something I will have to live with for the rest of my life, why I stay home and continue to write, if I didn’t care, I would let everyone kill me, and put me down in life, but I haven’t the heart to give up in life, and let negativity win, or add fuel to the fire of inference, of things being about me, then, and things not going right by whom, and then watch as things are not going right now, and say it was because I wrote, things then became about me. This is why with all confidence Justice Ginsberg was pictured with two middle fingers in the air, a picture I kept, just like the guy in jail with two middle fingers in the air at the camera in the corner, who bombed a Marathon. I started running to Century City and back, before the Marathon bombing took place, and now I cannot run to Century City and back, because there are Military homeless tents stationed on that running course. -To me being watched for Guilt, is observing until everything calculates to what is had in mind, and that is how what is thought of you controls how you feel, and what you speak to, its someone with a thought, negative, that you then feel offended by or sick by, and do not know what the causes are for that feeling. Just like sharing a video or a picture shared between two, to everyone on Instagram, I immediate become sick, drained, or feel suicidal, that is something that I have said in private, shared to all, not feel well. I do not think that its justified for people to commit acts and hurt the faith of everyone as a whole, and even if disbelief in one is caused, that still shouldn’t matter, whether or not I die, get sick, suicidal, or go to Jail, for whatever offenses are found to have been committed. Registering as a Corporation, is not a risk to the health of others, and is not fraud, that’s called taking accountability for my life, my identity, and for my influence, be factored in legally. What is a manifestation of my output, private or public, and be exact about the judgements made of me, to pin point, from where insult was derived, from where trust has been lost, and for what reasons now, I am not well, as connected to whom, and figure out whats in my control. This cannot change the condition of Bipolar, which I did not have in college, but got Voices, upon doing Cocaine, after moving to a new apartment, I grew extremely paranoid in, with steam heaters, windows sealed shut, and could barely move upon awakening. That maybe then was a a product of being known to all, and then after having been viewed as a disappointment, and underperformer in life, not all jazzed up about life in my Macbook, or Film Course, write. Ive always been really enthusiastic about my Academics, I am good at School, that’s my strength.
And while living on 13th Street, a poster was put in my shed garage, a space was in the Lease. On a bad day such as today, everything you say, can easily be read into as insult, no matter who your talking to, the side of who you are speaking to, not feel well about you, or attack you as though you are a source of pain or mental illness treat you in life. This is when talking about the past is not helpful, and only makes you look like you are looking back on life in the negative or trying to use your memory or your life, to defend your condition now as normal when its not. Your past life cant save you from a later condition you get placed in in life, based upon what you talk about online, or talking about in front of others, and that’s your loss, if you give up on yourself, and don’t stay well in public, that’s really heartbreaking to give up on yourself and cause others to give up on your too, that’s a very painful disconnect to experience in life, when no one can help you, and when you cannot solve your own problems on your own. Then there is the saying don’t wait until its too late, and then that saying gets paired with taking things too far, that’s you being an example of someone who has written a lot, then experiences mental illness and self-harm, minding your own business in life at peace, that is to situate you among the sick, to see how you respond sickly or dying, or in illness, if your living conditions made worse, your ability to be social or date hampered, and that’s what dying feels like, when you have nothing to live for, and you have worked hard all your life to get a job, or to work, and find something that your good at blogging, and do well, and then get forced to talk about mental illness, that doesn’t make me feel good and Im sure that doesn’t help anyone else. You can only help by how well you are in life, even if you can only post once a day, I don’t think that more is the solution to writing, not if what you have to say is not helpful, maybe important standing up for others reservations toward you, but that is not “winning” in life, or living life in the positive, that’s saying things in support of those differences with you thought existing, and then something you thought happening to you in life, in real life, that’s saying your fears outloud. It doesn’t necessarily prevent bad things from happening to you, and cant stop you from not feeling well or going into mental illness in life. For everything that was going well for you in life, those are the bases for attacking you: (1) to speak as a recovered patient, (2) a top 100 blogger in personal development and self-improvement (3) graduated from law school (4) etc. Its by what is known about you that stands out to others, becomes the basis for experimentation with your health to disprove you are any of those things in life, and cause you mental illness, without taking responsibility for pushing me too hard in life embarrassment wise, and expect me to come out a stronger person, or expect me to live a healthy life, I don’t want to die, and I do not think I deserve to be treated as dying or gone, when I worked hard to have a second chance at living life, and was able to stay well after staying home and resting, why am I in a painful condition now, when nothing can be said to make things better, and if saying things to make things better hurts, then that means what I have to say will not help and cannot help speaking.
Posted: 6-6 Theres a point of being too shocking, that’s whats said under your breathe, and later spoken to, not coming as a shock to anyone, but now serves as a source of disempowerment. That’s when trust has been built, and illness takes over between two Countries that did not have problems with eachother, and now do, over disease (COVID) and now via commentary integrated insights from me, which cannot take back the lives lost, and cannot prove whether misunderstandings if stated now, if stated then could have prevented losses now. I think you live life then you see things, based upon where you are in life and what you have been through speak to. Most people don’t care, care but not affected, that’s life, being strong, and not being easily affected by others, watching the news happen, as it goes on in the lunchroom in Law School, like the ship sinking in Italy, the Italian Ship that sunk when the Shipmaster “Captain” was having sex and not watching his Boat. Then there is God watching everyone, who generally wants to see everyone well, not affected by individual interests, misunderstandings, or micro-cosims about life, be mislead or easily misdirected upon closer inspection, that’s if you are stupid, and under the influence of feeling good, or basking in the glow of peace, or high on a feeling of gotta get $hit done commuting to and from work everyday, no one really sits down and concentrates on these things in life, and that’s the shock, or what hits hard “close to home” its like you cant breathe, shocking, that’s things not having been good enough, or what we were on that was making us feel good in life, not good enough, or not strong enough to keep us going now, that’s when a Country’s identity has been hurt, that’s when what represents us, and the foundations from which others feel good, gets called into question, like they are supposed to care about specific people doing well or not doing well in life, and that’s the headache, to hear from someone, Im certain, everyone was convinced was a disappointment, and that’s losing trust in life, working for the Government, then getting sick, and committing suicide, over who touched your boyfriends arm while they were shucking oysters and punched your own car put a dent in it, that’s overreacting. Lets not sit a little closer, I can see that $hit from here, your knees are like two inches away from eachother, and then we fell asleep on the beach in Santa Barbara, with a train running by every hour we decided to pass, and left where we were sleeping because our legs got wet by the ocean, while everyone was safe inside a tent, that was God telling us, wake the F up, or Im taking you with me. That was my first approved boyfriend, my second public boyfriend, and only boyfriend with friends in common, that was love, and not by name, that didn’t strike my mind as the hot factor about him, we are both comedians at heart. We dated for 4 years, then someone kissed me hanging out with another friend, and that’s why I had to leave that relationship, because an Attorney kissed me with a 4 year long boyfriend, who was saving up to buy me a ring, and who today encourages me to believe in myself, and understands that I have mental health issues, most likely because of doing Cocaine in college, I blew my first line Spring 2006, that was while applying to Boulder DA to work as a Victim Advocate, in training, made it to one training session, and while blowing my nose in my Supervisors Office let her know that I do not think I am fit to work this job, and apologized. I had friends who were neighbors, who I never did Cocaine with, it was around me, offered to me once, but never tried it with them, then met an Upperclassman on Facebook, who messaged me, she was Lesbian and a Dance Major, her Father later passed away, its no ones fault, that there was a blackout in Boulder, and no they didn’t make t-shirts like they do in NYC when it happens, which John Sifton reported in one of his Democracy Now bits “rolling blackouts” I then remembered the blackout in Boulder, and no my condition was not unwanted or a source of embarrassment at the time Michael E. Debakey passed away, and that’s not why I visited the US Supreme Court, to bypass anyone, I sat outside Barack Obamas house for an hour, then walked away in the snow alone, living in Boulder CO, God snowed us in, snow up to my waist.
Posted: 3-6 It is tiring for me to speak, and with a light sense of humor trying to share, because it is that painful to speak, without being dramatic, took night meds at 12pm, because I was in so much pain, that’s after photo-ing well, and my peace disturbed by voices, aggravated until I started punching my head repeatedly, and filmed it, for whoever wanted to see me suffer, as proof that I do self-harm, and upon insult punch my own head, that’s questioning or to shed light upon a fight off medications placed in rehab for two months, in which my Brother called me “an embarrassment to the family” and then went nuts punching my head, and then slammed my head into the wall of the Persian house we were renting, which was a cement wall. Suicide is not a communication of guilt not stated, as though I am knowingly responsible for the failed conditions of others, if I was well enough to be a source of comfort then, my condition now is not that, a different condition now, where no one talks to me, and I do not feel well. If this is about racism, I would say it only exists so long as you use examples of people from your life, who you have not held any judgments toward as being of lesser importance to you in life, based upon where their heritage is from, or based upon their condition, not cared for someone, I think we all care about those who we have lost, who are not here today, and now is no easier, not to say that then things were knowingly difficult to understand or comprehend and needed improvements to resonate with those who come from wealth or who drink or suffered from depression, make what they went through then about what Im going through now. That’s to treat me as the same as someone who is no longer here, to see if I suffer in the same way they suffered or if what I have been through in life, explains why they are no longer here treat me. As though I have lived a reckless life, without care for others, or as though my story is painful, or creates painful misunderstandings about life as told, as though Im drawn to populations of people only in need of emergency care, as though I was once not well enough to support those who were going through something I had not yet gone through in life, only beginning to have sex in college, my first boyfriend a 33 year old, I met when I was 17 in boxing class, he used to watch me from Spin Class, I punched much harder with my entire bodies force into the punch in my soccer t-shirts and adidas sweatpants, not at the gym to get laid or be looked at, told him “Im moving to Colorado” when he put his face up to my bag to talk to me. He was the hottest guy at the gym, my best friend at the time, had to escort me to our first date sat on the couch, and called me out when she was ready to go, wore an orange tank undie set from Ron Herman gifted to me by the ex-friend in the tent, who I convinced to go to nursing school because one of my babysitters went to nursing school and is successful, she babysat me and my Brother’s first girlfriend, whos Mother interviewed me at Southwestern, and advised me about how to write my Personal Statement, and explained to me what the Addendum was for, I had my Personal Statement reviewed by two Attorneys at the LA City Attorneys Office, and one told me standing at his door “your way ahead of the game, maybe one day you can run for President.”
Posted: 4-6 If its not until something bad happens to you or others, that others feel reassured in life, then that’s basing their own wellness or sense of comfort upon your discomforts in life. There is trust, there is knowing people, and then there is viewing people as they live their lives, not trusting someone. Trust is lost, whenever you make someone uncomfortable, or when what you have to say overpowers the general senses of others, as described. That’s when your condition threatens the conditions of others as described, that’s when your look or appearance looked into, despecializes you in life, makes you unspecial to others, and makes those who appear composed and sure of themselves, you the obvious unhappy one, not centered. Then what you have to say is not taken with a grain of salt, seems abrasive, or counterproductive to the peace reached by others in life, not a party to your life, your life as lived, or what youre going through now, not feel represented by at peace with themselves but not with you. No understanding can be reached, whenever you fail to come across as understanding or with compassion for the feelings of others, commentary devoid of empathy, shows a lack of concern for the well being of others, if you reach a point of wellness, upon illness to your own Country. That took 8 years of writing everyday in public and in private, reporting to LAPD, my Attorney, and the Courts (got a phone call back notified I built a website for permissions) to finally launch a website that took off by summer, that was writing everyday, and as punished waiting 4 years on probation, to take full bloom, and graduate finish my masters. Whether or not you care how long it took for me to get well, or why I was hospitalized 9x, comatose asleep for 14 days at a time off day meds, does not seem to ring a bell, to anyone who does not care about what Ive been through, and also doesn’t care if Im a victim of homicide, as though that’s excuse for getting in trouble, or presenting poorly in front of others, in my not well years, in and out of the hospital, and later self-harming a new condition as of 2017, and 2019, punching my head as hard as I can repeatedly, putting dents in my head, and lose my neck, and my head shrinks, to a smaller size, that’s to meet what negative judgements about me, to have a large body and a small head, why Im losing 50lbs again (that’s not a threat that’s a challenge for me no longer in running shape strong enough, light on my feet without a head injury, and difficult to run with a head injury), I used to have a big head and a petite body when I lost weight, was a positive person on the inside, whether or not anyone agreed with my lifestyle choices, friend associations few, and no girl friends at the time in LA, I was obviously not in an acceptable condition to do business with at the time, and was not taken seriously as a person with an idea for a company, or what style of company, as presented. It has now later come to my attention, that maybe when I was on Twitter, everything looked like a Charlie Sheen, Luke Skywalker, Gay, Prostitute, MLK, Kim Kardashian joke, someone trying to be known being like someone who is known, not unique of and to themselves worth knowing, understanding, or being heard, and I believe it is those attitudes in life that made someone think that a plane disappearing represented what OJ’s case was about “memorabilia” or to serve as a reminder of planes, notably used to carry out terrorist attacks on 9/11, that upon introduction to the world was seen as a member of his defense, or trying to be like Johnny Cochran, or another Attorney whos life was lost while representing OJ, acquired Cancer, much like me and my Dad, who have suffered once in 2009 in tandem, and later 2017 upon getting Syphallis after Carcinoma Cancer, given a Penacillin shot. That’s the painful association to a point of controversy its not by treatment of one disfavored by the Court system, and lack of representation in life a product of, but also a condition of illness that occurs upon being misrepresented or associated to people who others dislike. And that’s how I was treated as stupid in life, it just so happens that sometimes you are too slow to figure out what everything is all about or what life is all about until life happens to you in life. And that’s just how life is, people care about you for as long as you can stay well and be in the lives of others, and once you have done wrong, or have made yourself look stupid, too difficult to talk to, too complicate to understand, and not intelligible enough to hear from, not what others want to hear, and a later showing of intelligence, or actions post terrorist attacks, only serves to empower a thinker who does not think you have done the right thing hurt you in life. That’s having had an easier life, not having had to work without pay, or go to two law schools just to finish a masters, or build a website to feel good again, gets treated, like someone who is “lying” or not well, or who “lies about their condition” to not take responsibility for lives lost, who does not pay attention to lives lost, or who is trying to act strong in spite of lives being lost, and seems like an unwanted show of character, or performance that others are not inspired by. That is how I got treated, as though I was someone to make fun of, someone who was not smart, someone who others felt the necessity to make look stupid, or to react in response to others, as though my volunteer job as a hotline counselor was known to everyone, and then served as a motivation to do things in life to cause me to respond, to say that in lieu of hate, death, or gun violence, I came to be, or spoke, or these connections now are a result of them. That is when those who cause harm to others try to be God, or to cause others to react and respond in response to them, that’s being controlled by negatives in life, and losing your sense of agency in life. Should I have run a flyer campaign, and flipped a bench after Malaysia, yes. Do I regret flipping a bench and running a flyer campaign with no record no, did the police see me posting flyers in front of the Mann Chinese theater, yes, did they stop me, no, they smiled. So I don’t care what problems China has, they are not Malaysia, its not their Airline, therefore not their guilt, therefore not the guilt carried that caused illness within a population as connected, that caused an illness to spread and then spread overseas by airplanes, as though we are never to forget China, its not our problem, if your Country cannot stay well, and be on top rich, that is not our problem if your Country cannot make money, or is not viewed as important to others, I am not the half Asian that is responsible for your problems, I support Japan. And yes flyers “pieces of paper” were thrown on Westwood boulevard during the year I drove in circles and two BMWs died due to mileage, that was time spent thinking, away from everyone. I was maybe the only one who watched CNN everyday my then boyfriend replied “don’t you think that’s a bit much, theyre making a big deal of things, hes from Chicago.” When you react, it looks like offense was taken, and that at the time you reacted understood what was offensive about a plane going missing in Malaysia, I just knew that things were not okay, if someone with lives in their hands, decided to make a plane go missing, and all that was found was a piece of paper by a ship from China, I saw that shared live on TV, watched everyday, and the Olympics, during the time I lost 50lbs, and built a website with my best work on display.
Posted: 5-6 What is the gift of communication? To me it means making sense. Although I am someone who does not feel good, self-harms, and may not make sense to anyone who does not think highly of me, that is something similarly I cannot change about them, what sounds smart to them, or what makes sense to them, or what feels good to them. I do not know the causes for what causes other people to act on good or bad feelings in life, or what causes a good feeling to be had. Some things are hard to hear. And this is where speaking to negatives matters. It is a condition that is sought, played out loud, or a visual representation created that you speak about, that causes a bad feeling to be had, that’s speaking to negatives. It doesn’t matter therefore whether something is easy to read or understand, if something wrong is said, that can be felt by the reader, something off, or something that doesn’t make sense, or something incomplete sounding. A writer arrives to a well thought, that is if the writing is comprised of good thoughts, a later piece of mind, makes sense that either ties together the writing as a whole, or gives a deeper insight to the piece of writing as stated. And sometimes things don’t add up or make sense, its all about what you are thinking, while you are reading, and what is being said, and what is causing you to think thoughts about a writing, that I cannot control, what is thought prior to me writing, and what is thought after me writing. And this is when writings get judged in timing, what is said, and how the next piece is written, whether that’s my condition changed, or whether that’s with expectation of what is thought having written what was wrote, stated in a way to create a condition now of slow, of course I would not say things to cause myself to be slow, or to have a headache, or to lose my train of thought, and write with gaps in my writing, or not feel good as written. That must mean I have said something wrong, or said too much of something, with assumption of what was done or what the thinking was behind what was done to me, as though I deserved to be treated that way in public. And this is where pain sets in, its having addressed a concern, and then speaking to that concern, without solution provided, as though what was already being said was beating around the bush, or purposefully not calling attentions to issues, that mattered to me, and need not be publicly stated, pinned against in life, the mind of someone who causes harms to others. I don’t think that punching my head is the solution to my problems, and I understand that my head will hurt whether or not I punch my head, once Ive had enough in life, that is “inner turmoil” also known as “chemical imbalance” which causes me to self-harm, which is neither the product of my surroundings, nor serves as a reflection of who is in my life, watched by me or others, stalking for connection, or change to my surroundings or to the people in my life, lose light. No one can walk you through the pain of misunderstanding and back, by the time you arrive to a weller state of mind, or to a weller condition of people around you, it will have been too late by then to talk to everyone, that is when you become a source of pain to the lives of others difficult to talk to. That is a condition that no one understands or comprehends in hurting you, changing you from that moment on, living life, not returning back to the condition you were in, not assuming anyone was hurting you, not anticipating why you were being hurt, and not understanding why you were being hurt and for what reasons embarrassed in public. There is a such thing as unwanted attentions in life, that is for people to be drawn to you based upon a necessity to feel good or to see clear, without you being able to achieve the same for yourself. And that is the condition I was placed in, while others may be feeling good, I don’t feel good. And that’s a forced set of circumstances, someone who comes into your life, who just wants to be written about from their perspective through your body and through your mind and words. And that is how an unwanted connection occurs, something changed about you, that causes others to question you or become silent to you, and not be able to look at you, that’s something that has changed about you, that makes it uncomfortable for others to be around you. That’s looking at you, and not knowing you, or being a stranger to people you know. That means that something bad has happened to you, why you are difficult to look at, and everyone acts like a stranger to you. Past the point of acceptance, a changed and noticeable condition may occur, when something is obviously wrong and its possible that you don’t know what is wrong. That is when others are more well than you, looking at you, can tell that there is something wrong with you, a noticeable rejection, or ignoring you. When the mind stops, that’s when it hurts the head to think about, when something you’ve done or said does not make sense, when intuitively your words do not process or register with another, if not in tune with what another is thinking or looking for, and if you experience difficulty communicating what you are trying to say, and cannot reach a point of cohesion or make sense yourself while speaking, that’s forgetting a good thought, or thinking something and not remembering what was thought upon reflecting on what was written, and that’s how thoughts are lost. And that’s how later thoughts are stated, that do not make better sense of what has been said, and that’s running on a good feeling, once you start talking again, and let go of what was lost in your train of thought, or thought about, and don’t return back to thinking about, that’s thinking a new thought. New thoughts occur sometimes, such as now, when you depart from what was being said that was difficult to communicate, and then the sense you were able to make by communicating, allows you to achieve a better mindset afterward, that’s having read what was written, and to the best of your ability communicated what was said, and no more thoughts come to mind to better articulate what it is you are saying, that doesn’t mean that you have done a good job saying what was needed to be said, and that’s how the voice of your opposition speaks through you, the clarity they arrived to having harmed you, and with expectation of you arriving to a moment of clarity, and sharing that clarity with them, called peace. Who is the creator of that clarity in your life, is it people? Who is the creator of your feelings of safety and wellness? You. Who affects your ability to think clearly? Others. No, you control your clarity of thoughts, regardless of what is thought about you, and regardless of what comes to mind in another upon looking at you, those are their thoughts about you, and so long as you turn a blind eye to others watching you for reaction to see if they can be heard through you, that is how you empower the voice of another to be heard through you. That is not how a speaker is made, that is not how an interpreter is made, that is not how a listener is made, that is not how a lawyer is made, that is not how an advocate is made, and that is not how a victim is made, and that is not how an offender is made, via the loss of stability in ones life, the loss of positivity in feeling apart of, or due to the loss in respect to a family caused by a loss of respect to me, that has affected everyone, with or without me knowing it or seeing it. And that’s when things have been taken too far, that’s creating a problem in understanding, that’s creating problems in comprehension, and that’s creating problems where non existed. And here we are again, at a headache, not feeling good, with no solution, and not making sense. This is both a caused condition of not feeling good, and a negative result of allowing someone into my life who did not love me, and only wanted to be written about. As though I have anything negative to say about anyone, as though I run on negatives, or as though Im supposed to rise to a grander occasion in life, and expected to feel good as pronounced. This is how unwanted impressions are made, that is composites of what you think over my mind as communicated through me, or trying to blow up insights in others upon seeing me, expect me to speak to, as though I am not intelligent, and make me a product of other peoples thoughts or what they have to see, to challenge me as to whether I am able to speak on behalf of my audience, who respectfully does not want to see me nude, and doesn’t care to see me nude. And that is challenging the basis for attraction, whether its my face, my mind, my body, or my identity that causes Men to have liked me present or past, and then hurt my condition, by hurting my image online, then cause me to punch my head, so that no one is attracted to me. This presents a source of discomfort, that is me not feeling good, and he probably feeling uncomfortably better about himself, having done this to me, watching me over the past 8 years suffer, lose 50lbs, then become obese, after having been punished slept on concrete for 14 hours in jail, for text messaging past a court order default judgment I did not attend on meds, because I called my Attorneys Office and no one responded to represent me in a Civil Matter. I was the person who people were just waiting for an excuse to attack, like being served at McDonalds a white envelop thrown in my car window into my lap, like I deserve it. If you don’t want to respond to Gun Violence, then don’t, and if that is why I was sued, then don’t now situate me in a fight, to be a fight about something that happened 2016, no one cared to talk to me about, no one cared to help me with, and no one cared to respond to me, as though Im supposed to figure things out on my own, and this is where there is no shared sense of pride. Like Im working for those who ignored me, or those who rejected me, or those who did not want to help me, and that then presents a source of discomfort to them and to all, presented by someone who treated me aggressively, put me down in life, and said things to me, to watch me then F up in life, or say things to cause me to F up in life, and insult me and my family, like they are expected to fight to these issues that others had with me, not their responsibility. Its not a fight, Gun Violence advocacy is not a fight, and fighting me does not cause Gun Violence, and if that what was being tested for, putting lives in jeopardy, then that explains why I am writing so much now, and why Gun Violence stopped, maybe I wasn’t saying enough, and wasn’t taking it far enough, and wasn’t saying exactly what was feared, or needed to be said.
Follow-up: I am not doing well now in a lot of pain, I understand not to fantasize about people, or to have an idealized view of a match, to either match in real life, or to not match at all, stay home. I think talking about the past is not helpful, and only subjects me to harm, that is not proper, or the right thing to do, to talk about the past at this point in time. Im sorry for liking someone, who did not like me, and Im sorry for anything I have written that has caused for others to lose respect for me. I understand that I am not strong enough to combat hate, if I cannot even stay well mental health wise, that must mean that I am not fit to be an influencer, or someone in pain who cannot help others. (10-12-20) I am sorry. I understand now, having been proven sick, that self-harm and suicide is not the correct response to being made fun of in public, I understand that if I choose to live life I can live life, but not if I am self-harming, that will only make things worse. I have done my best, and I am sorry if I do not sound well now, or do not sound smart, and am not doing a good job speaking, called 911. Obviously things are not going well for me mental health wise, and not strong enough for a fight. Posted: 2-6 |
AuthorLeslie Fischman Archives
July 2021
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